Artemis Fowl Humor Quotes & Sayings

I don't know why it is, Captain Short, but whenever you start agreeing with me, I get decidedly nervous. — Eoin Colfer

You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually. — Eoin Colfer

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
-Artemis Fowl — Eoin Colfer

You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.
This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by. — Eoin Colfer

Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over — Eoin Colfer

Stand still for a while
Our blood entered this soil
But we straightened up again — Miroslav Florian

I don't read music or anything, so when I produce, I go basically by ear. — Erykah Badu

I don't like lollipops. — Eoin Colfer

Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares! — Eoin Colfer

Orion brightened. "I have an idea."
"Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.
"Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other. — Eoin Colfer

Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said. — Eoin Colfer

Waitress: "And to drink?"
Artemis: "Spring water. Irish, if you have it. And no ice, please. As your ice is no doubt made from tap water, which rather defeats the purpose of spring water. — Eoin Colfer

I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile."
" ... Where's all the loot?"
"That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart."
Artemis put two and two together and arrived at a very unpleasant four.
"You were here to rob me!"
"No, I wasn't. How dare you?! — Eoin Colfer

Just what we need," moaned Holly. "Artemis Fowl with magical powers. — Eoin Colfer

Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"
Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity. — Eoin Colfer

Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this.
At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later? — Eoin Colfer

Lincoln had a tremendous capacity for personal growth - more than any other American President. — Henry Louis Gates

Love is going to replace life and from then on it's all smooth sailing. Love will replace life. — Marita Golden

Nobody's death is impending."
... "Well technically everyone's death is impending. — Eoin Colfer

In building the helping relationship, encouragement - via positive reinforcement - certainly seems appropriate. But if it is not sensitively handled, such encouragement can quickly become patronizing and insulting. My — Edgar H Schein

You need to stop thinking with your head, Mud Boy, and start thinking with your heart.
Artemis sighed. The heart was an organ for pumping oxygen-rich blood to the cells. It could no more think than an apple could tap-dance. — Eoin Colfer

She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.'
'That will be her undoing,' Artemis gasped, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. 'Artemis Fowl will never be secondary.'
'I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?' said Holly. — Eoin Colfer

Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks? — Eoin Colfer

How was she created? I'm not sure if you realize this, but it was in God's image. How can anybody dare to speak ill of something which bears such a noble imprint? — Christine De Pizan

Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP will send a crack Retrieval team to get back what has been lost.. You have done so. Excuse me while I titter. Crack team? Honestly. A Cub-Scout patrol armed with water pistols could have defeated them. — Eoin Colfer

Earth," he began, ignoring the impulse to open his notes folder and count the words. He knew this lecture by heart.
"Our home. She feeds us, she shelters us. Her gravity prevents us from flying off into space and freezing, before thawing out again and being crisped by the sun, none of which really matters, as we would have long since asphyxiated." Artemis paused for laughter and was surprised when it did not arrive. "That was a little joke. I read in a presentation manual that a joke often serves to break the ice. And I actually worked icebreaking into the joke, so there were layers to my humor. — Eoin Colfer

For me, liberalism simply means, live and let live. This is a splendid slogan — Raif Badawi

For prayers to be efficacious, they must be in harmony with the plan of heaven. The prayer of faith bears fruit when such harmony exists, and this harmony exists when prayers are inspired by the Holy Spirit. — Keith B. McMullin

Businesses always have opportunities to improve service, product lines, manufacturing techniques, and the like, and obviously these opportunities should be seized. But a business that constantly encounters major change also encounters many chances for major error — Warren Buffett

Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle."
Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?"
Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll."
"Really?" Argon was interested now.
"No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters."
Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual. — Eoin Colfer