Ansari Aziz Quotes & Sayings

Today, if you own a smartphone, you're carrying a 24-7 singles bar in your pocket. — Aziz Ansari

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.' — Aziz Ansari

In this era, we have more choice than any group of people ever. When you are out at night, anyone in the universe can contact you instantly. Think about how crazy that is compared to even a few decades ago. — Aziz Ansari

With stand-up, I can have an idea, go down the street to a comedy club and work on it, flesh it out, book a venue, people will come, then film it. I do all that myself; I never have to answer to anybody. — Aziz Ansari

The most influential thing was the two Chris Rock specials that came out when I was in high school. I was obsessed with that stuff. — Aziz Ansari

I played myself in an Aziz Ansari comedy, and that was funny to see how they saw me ... flowing scarves and a flourish of pink! Eek! — Colin Salmon

So you're going to horrible places and meeting horrible people and you're complaining about it? Live your life like a decent person. Go to the grocery store, buy your own food, take care of yourself. If you live a responsible life, you'll run into responsible people," he said. — Aziz Ansari

Emily told us. "I would never go on a first date somewhere in my town because I know all the waiters. I know all the bartenders. I know everybody. — Aziz Ansari

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true. — Aziz Ansari

(On a side note, I would give pretty much anything to have been in the room where the guy said, "I've got it! We'll call it . . . Soapland!") — Aziz Ansari

For example, in a topic we'll revisit in more depth later, breaking up with someone via text seems pretty brutal to people of my generation, but when we interviewed younger people, several said their breakups happened exclusively by text. For younger generations, who knows what texts lie ahead? THE — Aziz Ansari

There's lots of competition for attractive women, and women get much higher hit rates than men. Granted. But in the midst of this he also said something incredible: "I got approximately 350 matches in 5 months." That's seventy people a month. Twenty years ago, if you met a guy who said he'd met seventy women who'd expressed — Aziz Ansari

that younger people are so used to text-based communications, where they have time to gather their thoughts and precisely plan what they are going to say, that they are losing their ability to have spontaneous conversation. She argues that the muscles in our brain that help us with spontaneous conversation are getting less exercise in the text-filled world, so our skills are declining. When we did the large focus group where we split the room by generation - kids on the left, parents on the right - a strange thing happened. Before the show started, we noticed that the parents' side of the room was full of chatter. People were talking to one another and asking how they had ended up at the event and getting to know people. On the kids' side, everyone was buried in their phones and not talking to anyone around them. — Aziz Ansari

Acting is a plum gig, and then animation is an even more plum gig. — Aziz Ansari

between 2005 and 2012 more than one third of couples who got married in the United States met through an online dating site. Online dating was the single biggest way people met their spouses. Bigger than work, friends, and school combined. — Aziz Ansari

Want to know what's filling up the phones of nearly every single woman? It's this: "Hey," "Hey!" Heyyy!!" "Hey what's going?" "Wsup," "Wsup!" "What's going on?" "Whatcha up to? — Aziz Ansari

Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired. — Aziz Ansari

one text can change the whole dynamic of a budding relationship. In a certain context, even just saying something as innocuous as "Hey, let's hang out sometime" or spelling errors or punctuation choices can irritate someone. When I spoke with Sherry Turkle about this, she said that texting, unlike an in-person conversation, is not a forgiving medium for mistakes. — Aziz Ansari

The whole idea of love is scary - so is being with someone for the rest of your life and being happy with them for the rest of your life. There's lots of research to suggest that, actually, love's not really that simple. — Aziz Ansari

leaving, like, "Tanya, you're a very charming lady . . ." She said, "Aziz, you're a pretty charming guy too. — Aziz Ansari

But this whole idea of marrying for happiness and love is relatively new. For — Aziz Ansari

After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it'll flop. And that's when I really take a hard look at myself and say: 'Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it's talking about.' — Aziz Ansari

Myself, Eric Wareheim, and Jason Woliner decided to start a Food Club where the three of us go to restaurants with a couple of other people. The three of us are the captains of the Food Club, so we have to wear the captains' hats. — Aziz Ansari

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings. — Aziz Ansari

Among the older lovers, brain regions associated with anxiety were no longer active; instead, there was activity in the areas associated with calmness."1 Neurologically it's similar to the kind of love you feel for an old friend or a family member. — Aziz Ansari

In the United States there's an optimistic expectation that most people will remain faithful to their partner, but actual data show great numbers of people will not. — Aziz Ansari

Monroe is about sixty miles outside of New York City. It's home to approximately eight thousand people. It's a small community where most everyone knows one another. There's nothing but strip malls and second-tier grocery chains you never see elsewhere. If you click on the "Attractions" tab on TripAdvisor's Monroe page, it brings up a message that says, "I'm sorry, you must have clicked here by mistake. No one could possibly be planning a trip to Monroe to see its 'Attractions.' I have a feeling about why you'd want to go to Monroe. Here, let me redirect you to a suicide-prevention site. — Aziz Ansari

One of the problems with the first date is that you know very little about a person, so you overweight those few things that you do know,' the anthropologist and dating guru Helen Fisher told me. 'And suddenly you see they've got brown shoes, and you don't like brown shoes, so they're out. Or they don't like your haircut, so they're out. But if you were to get to know each other more, those particular characteristics might begin to recede in importance, as you also found that they had a great sense of humor or they'd love to go fishing in the Caribbean with you. — Aziz Ansari

Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians? — Aziz Ansari

Other than friends and family, my favorite things are New York and stand-up. I love doing comedy in New York - I can do way more stand-up here than in Los Angeles. — Aziz Ansari

If your job was remotely interesting, there would be a show on A&E about it. — Aziz Ansari

Initially, we are attracted to people by their physical appearance and traits we can quickly recognize. But the things that really make us fall for someone are their deeper, more unique qualities, and usually those only come out during sustained interactions. — Aziz Ansari

Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare. — Aziz Ansari

You want what you can't have. And if someone's being shitty to you, just move on. If someone's being shitty to you, no matter how great they are, that's shitty, and you don't want be with someone who treats you shitty. — Aziz Ansari

Being a rapper is about being cool, but being a comedian, you're not supposed to be the coolest guy. — Aziz Ansari

To be honest, I tend to romanticize the past, and though I appreciate all the conveniences of modern life, sometimes I yearn for simpler times. — Aziz Ansari

Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. — Aziz Ansari

In 2014 a survey conducted by a nonprofit organization called Stop Street Harassment revealed that more than 60 percent of women in Buenos Aires had experienced intimidation from men who catcalled them.18 To a lot of men in Buenos Aires, women's concern came as a surprise. When asked about the survey, Buenos Aires's mayor, Mauricio Macri, dismissed it as inaccurate and proceeded to explain why women couldn't possibly have a problem with being shouted at by strangers. "All women like to be told compliments," he said. "Those who say they're offended are lying. Even though you'll say something rude, like 'What a cute ass you have' . . . it's all good. There is nothing more beautiful than the beauty of women, right? It's almost the reason that men breathe. — Aziz Ansari

When asked about the survey, Buenos Aires's mayor, Mauricio Macri, dismissed it as inaccurate and proceeded to explain why women couldn't possibly have a problem with being shouted at by strangers. "All women like to be told compliments," he said. "Those who say they're offended are lying. Even though you'll say something rude, like 'What a cute ass you have'...it's all good. There is nothing more beautiful than the beauty of women, right? It's almost the reason that men breathe." To be clear, this is the mayor. Upon reading this quote, I investigated, and can confirm that at the time of this interview he was not wearing one of those helmets that holds beers and has straws that go into your mouth. — Aziz Ansari

The 'good-enough marriage' is definitely not good enough for today's singles. We're not content to marry someone who happens to live down the street and gets along okay with our parents. — Aziz Ansari

too many people spend way too much time doing the online part of online dating, not the dating part. — Aziz Ansari

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage. — Aziz Ansari

It was brutal to read. After two years the relationship was ended with a ":/," not even a fully fleshed-out emoji. There — Aziz Ansari

Online dating is just a vehicle to meet more people," she says. "It's not the place to actually date." For — Aziz Ansari

...social media and the internet are introducing all kinds of new options into social and romantic life. And while it's exciting, sometimes even exhilarating, to have more choices, it's not necessarily making life easier. — Aziz Ansari

Oh, I'm sure he's much more intelligent and thoughtful in person. This is just his "lazy phone persona. — Aziz Ansari

So love goes from feeling like I'm doing cocaine to feeling how I feel about my uncle? I don't want to make companionate love sound like a bummer. It is love, just less intense and more stable. There is still passion, but it's balanced with trust, stability, and an understanding of each other's flaws. — Aziz Ansari

At certain times, though, this "I need the best" mentality can be debilitating. — Aziz Ansari

Everyone, including the women who said they were happily married, said they wanted their daughters and granddaughters to approach marriage differently from how they had. — Aziz Ansari

This experiment has made it very clear that the majority of my day is spent on my phone or laptop, trying to figure out both where, and with whom, I am dining. And now, I'm reading my book on an iPad for an audio recording, so you, you lazy piece of shit, could listen to me, instead of reading the book yourself. — Aziz Ansari

If you look up feminist in the dictionary, it just means someone who believes men and women have equal rights ... — Aziz Ansari

When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses. — Aziz Ansari

I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape sh*t with it. — Aziz Ansari

Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot. — Aziz Ansari

Maybe we are trying to meet every single person in order to be sure we have the best. Maybe we have it all wrong. — Aziz Ansari

Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession. — Aziz Ansari

One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind. — Aziz Ansari

There's something uniquely valuable in everyone, and we'll be much happier and better off if we invest the time and energy it takes to find it. But seriously, if the person doesn't clip their toenails or wear clean socks, look elsewhere. There are plenty of options. — Aziz Ansari

Schwartz is an encyclopedia of psychological research on choice problems. If asked to give a quote about him for the back of a book cover, I would say, "This motherfucker knows choice." As — Aziz Ansari

She felt HORRIBLE. It was the greatest Valentine's Day gift I've ever received. — Aziz Ansari

As we see more and more people online, it can get difficult to remember that behind every text message, OkCupid profile, and Tinder picture there's an actual living, breathing, complex person, just like you. — Aziz Ansari

Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life. — Aziz Ansari

You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play. — Aziz Ansari

people have been cheating on each other for as long as they've made promises to be monogamous — Aziz Ansari

Come on, man, I got a full beard! — Aziz Ansari

For guys and girls equally . . . there's just so many people. And there's someone around the corner or uptown or downtown who you might like just a fraction better than the person who's across from you right now. — Aziz Ansari

Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are ... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase. — Aziz Ansari

It's hard to really get that excited about movies. Think about it like this: how many good comedy movies come out a year? Maybe one or two? And then, in those movies, what are the chances that there's a character that I'm the best fit to play? It's really small! — Aziz Ansari

It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing. — Aziz Ansari

How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone's window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps "All My Life" by K-Ci & JoJo? — Aziz Ansari

I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road. — Aziz Ansari

I have found that she is as kind and caring a person as she is hilarious. Simply put, Amy Poehler is my hero. — Aziz Ansari

Another poll, from Gallup, found that infidelity is more universally disapproved of than polygamy, animal cloning, and suicide.11 So if there were two guys at a bar, one cheating on his wife and another with a cloned pig named Bootsie, it would be the cheater, not Bootsie the pig, getting more disapproving looks. — Aziz Ansari

You've got to be pretty confident that you're good. If I do a show and for whatever reason no one laughs, I'll be like, 'Wow, those people are weird'. — Aziz Ansari

I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen. — Aziz Ansari

Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship. But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide: Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge. Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. And we think it's a given, and toys and lingerie are going to save us with that. Ideally, though, we're lucky, and we find our soul mate and enjoy that life-changing mother lode of happiness. But a soul mate is a very hard thing to find. — Aziz Ansari

Another idea from social psychology that goes into our texting games is the scarcity principle. Basically, we see something as more desirable when it is less available. When you are texting someone less frequently, you are, in effect, creating a scarcity of you and making yourself more attractive. — Aziz Ansari

What's cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn't be able to joke about in stand-up. — Aziz Ansari

Our romantic options are unprecedented and our tools to sort and communicate with them are staggering. And that raises the question: Why are so many people frustrated? — Aziz Ansari

For the first time in history, the typical American now spends more years single than married. What — Aziz Ansari

If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work. — Aziz Ansari

Like with 'Parks and Recreation,' it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had. — Aziz Ansari

Do I call? Do I text? Do I send a Facebook message? Do I send up a smoke signal? How does one do that? Will I set my rented house on fire? How embarrassed will I be when I have to tell the home's owner, actor James Earl Jones, that I burned his house down trying to send a smoke signal? — Aziz Ansari

This gets into a fundamental change in how marriage is viewed. Today we see getting married as finding a life partner. Someone we love. But this whole idea of marrying for happiness and love is relatively new. — Aziz Ansari

Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday. — Aziz Ansari

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice. — Aziz Ansari

I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it. — Aziz Ansari

I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment. — Aziz Ansari

Even if you say you "don't play games," that is a type of game - it is the "I don't play games" game. — Aziz Ansari

I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs.. — Aziz Ansari

When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing. — Aziz Ansari

We each sit alone, staring at this black screen with a whole range of emotions. But in a strange way, we are all doing it together, and we should take solace in the fact that no one has a clue what's going on. I — Aziz Ansari

what stranger can compete with a video that documents the budding friendship of two baby hippopotamuses? No one, that's who. — Aziz Ansari

Making sure the person shared your interest in sushi and Wes Anderson movies and made you get a boner anytime you touched her hair would seem far too picky. Of course, people did get married because they loved each other, but their expectations about what love would bring were different from those we hold today. — Aziz Ansari

One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack. — Aziz Ansari

I guess after college, I just got really into food. I also think going on the road doing stand-up makes you more into food. Because when you travel like that, one of the things to do is find really good places to eat. — Aziz Ansari

The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone. — Aziz Ansari

If you are in a big city or on an online dating site, you are flooded with options. Seeing all these options, like the people in the job example, are we now comparing our potential partners not to other potential partners but rather to an idealized person whom no one could measure up to? — Aziz Ansari

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice. — Aziz Ansari

Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say. — Aziz Ansari