Animal Humor Quotes & Sayings

I'm working! What are you doing? Besides being...
Being what?
Wait a minute...
Sarcastic? Unfeeling? British?
It's an animal.
Where?
No, the word!
Still you have to admit, I am... very British. I don't say hard R's.
You know what I like? Brown sauce. What's it made of? Science doesn't know!
It's made of brown.
Brown. Mined from the earth by the hardscrabble brown miners of North Brownderton.
Oh, my God. I find lentils completely incomprehensible. What the sun-dappled hell is Echo doing at Fremont?
That's got nothing to do with the drug, which means our problems are huge and indomitable.
Ooh. I could eat that word. Or a crisp. Do you have any crisps?
You haven't seen my drawer of inappropriate starches? C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
Oh my god, I'm having such a terrible day. — Joss Whedon

He likes you," Miss Dove said, sounding surprised.
"Yes," Harry answered with an unhappy sigh. He had long ago accepted the fact that cats adored him. The reason, of course, was because both God and cats had the same perverse sense of humor. When the animal buried its claws in his thigh and began to knead with happy abandon, he set his jaw and bore it. "Mr. Pigeon? Rather fitting for you to choose that name, Miss Dove. Both birds, you know. — Laura Lee Guhrke

I read the paragraph again. A peculiar feeling it gave me. I don't know if you have ever experienced the sensation of seeing the announcement of the engagement of a pal of yours to a girl whom you were only saved from marrying yourself by the skin of your teeth. It induces a sort of
well, it's difficult to describe it exactly; but I should imagine a fellow would feel much the same if he happened to be strolling through the jungle with a boyhood chum and met a tigress or a jaguar, or what not, and managed to shin up a tree and looked down and saw the friend of his youth vanishing into the undergrowth in the animal's slavering jaws. A sort of profound, prayerful relief, if you know what I mean, blended at the same time with a pang of pity. What I'm driving at is that, thankful as I was that I hadn't had to marry Honoria myself, I was sorry to see a real good chap like old Biffy copping it. I sucked down a spot of tea and began brooding over the business. — P.G. Wodehouse

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a Pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk ... becomes a double hawk. — Demetri Martin

This 'web of discourses' as Robyn called it...is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of Homo Sapiens almost every niche inhabited by that species.An illustrated encyclopedia of zoology should no more picture Homo Sapiens naked than it should picture Ursus arctus-the black bear- wearing a clown suit and riding a bicycle. — Daniel C. Dennett

Don't needlessly draw attention to yourself. If you're twerking on the beach, a circling pteracuda could mistake you for a wounded animal. — Andrew Shaffer

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are. — Oliver Markus

What the hell is going on?" demanded Kami's dad, advancing with his black eyes snapping. Jared blurted, "My intentions are honourable."
Kami sat up straight in her bed and stared in Jared's direction. "Are you completely crazy?" she wanted to know. "This isn't the eighteenth century. How do you think that's going to help?"
"Well, I mean," Jared said, back against the wall like a cornered animal. "When we're older. I mean-"
"Please shut up," Kami begged.
"I agree with Kami," said Dad. "When you're in an abyss-like hole, quit digging. — Sarah Rees Brennan

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too. — Mitch Hedberg

Mars and my own stupidity keep trying to kill me. — Andy Weir

The Mole recollected that animal-etiquette forbade any sort of comment on the sudden disappearance of one's friends at any moment, for any reason or no reason whatever. — Kenneth Grahame

Some people like milk, but I would never drink anything you have to stroke out of an animal. — Jonas Eriksson

If a dog doesn't put you first where are you both? In what relation? A dog needs God. It lives by your glances, your wishes. It even shares your humor. This happens about the fifth year. If it doesn't happen you are only keeping an animal. — Enid Bagnold

Oral Roberts is a greed-crazed white-trash lunatic who should have been hung upside down from a telephone pole on the outskirts of Tulsa 44 years ago, before he somehow transmogrified into the money-sucking animal that he became when he discovered television. — Hunter S. Thompson

And we're back where we started. Beginning to feel like I'm riding a hamster wheel. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

{Rogers} sexual aim is "to convert a creature who is cool, dry, calm, articulate, independent, purposeful into a creature who is the opposite of these: to demonstrate to an animal which is pretending not to be an animal that it is an animal. — Kingsley Amis

Elizabeth Rothra's excellent biography of Charles Torrey Simpson restates his philosophies about the intrinsic value of natural ecosystems like the Everglades. No one knew better than he the history of the plants and animals of South Florida or conveyed it with more humor and enthusiasm. — Marjory Stoneman Douglas

The first domesticated animal was the scapegoat. — Yanko Tsvetkov

I am Trella the victorious leader of the Force of Sheep rebellion. Yes the name sounds ridiculous, and I still can't believe we named a major life changing event after livestock - or actually a stuffed animal - but it made sense at the time. — Maria V. Snyder

In the National Geographic movie of my twisted mind, the lion had just leaped on the gazelle, pinned it to the ground and mounted it from behind. Apparently, the devouring could wait. I should point out that these little flights of fancy on my part often involved extremely improbable animal pairings. I blamed cartoons. — Delphine Dryden

My Family and Other Saints echoes Gerald Durrell's classic memoir, My Family and Other Animals, not only in its title, but in its wonderful humor and lyrical prose. Like Durrell, Kirin Narayan takes the reader to a fascinating world far from our own, and brings to life its myriad sights, sounds and smells, while revealing the profound cultural beliefs of its people. India is just the most complex character among a cast of characters-family members, gurus, hippies, and neighbors-all of whom I now count as old friends. — Judith Barrington

I'm a great admirer of Primo Levi's work. It's always mind-boggling, the idea of how much pain people can endure and still come back from the edge with a sense of humor, with this tremendous animal desire we have to get on with life. — Allan Gurganus

'He'll probably end up angling for a threesome. Then I'll have to get my animal name so I can be a part of the group. So Native American of you white boys. I'll probably go for something like Falcon. Or Wolf.'
'Jackass suits you better,' Anna intones. — T.J. Klune

Victor eyed the glistening tubes in the tray around Dibbler's neck. They smelled appetizing. They always did. And then you bit into them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for bits of an animal that the animal didn't know it had got. Dibbler had worked out that with enough fried onions and mustard people would eat anything. — Terry Pratchett

Think of the cafeteria as a road map to where you belong." Danielle pointed to the beautiful people in one corner. "Princesses and Princes over here. Then you have Heroes - leading ladies and gents that aren't royalty - Sidekicks, Villains, Pirates, Faeries, Future Animal Friends, and the ones scattered are extras - not too important but important enough to be here. Like I said, everyone sticks to their own kind."
"Who are you?"
"Cinderella of course," Danielle giggled. — Angela Parkhurst

The newest animal Route 5 had used up, it seemed, was my daughter's beloved pet. We buried Smucky in the pet sematary. My daughter made the grave marker, which read Smucky: He was obediant. (Smucky wasn't in the least obedient, of course; he was a cat, for heaven's sake.) — Stephen King

The first rule of snooping is to come at it sideways
when you began writing me dizzy letters about Alexander, I didn't ask if you were in love with him, I asked what his favorite animal was. And your answer told me everything I needed to know about him
how many men would admit that they loved ducks? — Annie Barrows

If, in our day, you should see a polar bear in a Norwegian street, especially in the dead of night, you should tentatively say to the animal: "Good evening?" If the polar bear answers, "Shutyourbigmouth!" or something that sounds like this, in all likelihood, this is not a polar bear but a Norwegian on his way home from a party. — Odd Borretzen

I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.' — Adam Ferrara

There is no animal more invincible than a woman, — Loretta Chase

There was a girl Josh liked who only liked Josh when he was bipedal. Josh does not like always being bipedal and found this news disappointing. There was a boy Josh liked who liked Josh when he was a cute animal. Josh always likes being a cute animal, but Josh's subjective sense of the word cute was different than the boy's. This was another disappointment for Josh, and also for the boy, who did not find giant centipedes cute at all. — Joseph Fink

Only someone who'd never been an animal would put up a sign saying not to feed them ... — Jonathan Safran Foer

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere. — Groucho Marx

She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. "Yum," she croaks.
Mrs. Wong looks pleased. "It's made with tofu."
I can't resist. "Free-range tofu?"
My mother looks over at me sharply.
Mrs. Wong takes the bait. "Now, Cassidy, tofu isn't an animal," she chides. "It's soy bean curd. Soy bean curd doesn't need to roam free."
On the floor below me, Emma lets out a little snort. I nudge her again with my foot. We're both grinning at the thought of a corral somewhere with little cubes of tofu wandering around. "Home, home on the range," I sing to her under my breath. "Where the deer and the tofu roam free ... — Heather Vogel Frederick

That creature's staying?' It figured. Her daughter-in-law transforming into an animal? No problem. Having to take care of a cat? Crisis. (Sydney Sage-Ivashkov) — Richelle Mead

I am always incorrigibly interested in the behaviour of the 'human animal', and look forward to perusing divers effusions of your lively pen. — Kingsley Amis

There were events that stuck in my mind. One, for example, was the case of the missing palace seal at the beginning of winter.'

'Oh the poor animal,' she cried out, 'they're such beautiful creatures.'

'I'm speaking of the royal seal placed on correspondence, as you would know,' he said. — Melina Marchetta

Among animals, one has a sense of humor. Humor saves a few steps, it saves years. — Marianne Moore

When she saw me, my mother stood up and started to come toward me, but then stopped. I think maybe Cat Poop had told her not to make any sudden movements because they might scare me, like I'm a wild animal or something, because she kept looking at him and then at me. Finally she just said, "Hello, Jeff," and sat down again next to my father. — Michael Thomas Ford

Gradually my whole concept of time changed until I thought of a month as having twenty-five days of humanness and five others when I might just as well have been an animal in a steel trap. — Florence King

I'd like to think they're staring at me because of my white-hot animal magnetism, but I'm not Elvis. I'm Lobster Boy, hear me roar. — Richard Kadrey

Annwyl?" Ragnar repeated, suddenly remembering that Keita had said the same name before they'd
burst out of the woods. "This is Annwyl?" Ragnar looked the woman over, from her absurdly large feet
to the top of her unkempt head. "This?"
This human who had more muscles than seemed necessary for any royal and watched him and his kin
with what he could only term as the mad eyes of a diseased animal. — G.A. Aiken

Reality - Dreams = Animal Being Reality + Dreams = A Heart-Ache (usually called Idealism) Reality + Humor = Realism (also called Conservatism) Dreams - Humor = Fanaticism Dreams + Humor = Fantasy Reality + Dreams + Humor = Wisdom — Lin Yutang

At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins. — Mark Lawrence

You were torturing a cat," she says. "With a freaking prod."
"A prod I built myself in metal shop," he says. "But of course you never mention that. — George Saunders

As the van door starts to close, Brad suddenly realizes that the instant the doors close completely, the van interior will become the terrifying bland gray space he's heard about all his life, the place one goes when one has been Written Out.
The van interior becomes the bland gray space.
From the front yard TV comes the brash martial music that indicates UrgentUpdateNewsMinute.
Animal rights activists have expressed concern over the recent trend of spraying live Canadian geese with a styrene coating which instantaneously kills them while leaving them extremely malleable, so it then becomes easy to shape them into comical positions and write funny sayings in DryErase cartoon balloons emanating from their beaks, which, apparently, is the new trend for outdoor summer parties.
— George Saunders

Homo Sapiens evolved to think of people as divided into us and them. 'Us' was the group immediately around you, whoever you were, and 'them' was everyone else. In fact, no social animal is ever guided by the interests of the entire species to which it belongs. No chimpanzee cares about the interests of the chimpanzee species, no snail will lift a tentacle for the global snail community, no lion alpha male makes a bid for becoming the king of all lions, and at the entrance of no beehive can one find the slogan: 'Worker bees of the world - unite! — Yuval Noah Harari

With very good reason, my favorite animal is the turtle. — Kathy Carmichael

Live like a man, fuck like an animal and die like a plant. — Claire Amber

You freaking bit me," I said, my voice hoarse. "You're lucky I don't call animal control. — Jayde Scott

Eww! That's gross, Gramps. You just picked that stick up off the grass. Who knows what animal has done sick things to it. Probably chipmunks I bet; they're always doing devious stuff when you're not looking. — Joel T. McGrath

The people knew then that Greg wasn't a monster, just a hungry animal. — KayeC Jones

Not evil. Moronic, which isn't quite the same thing. Evil presupposes a moral decision, intention, and some forethought. A moron or a lout, however, doesn't stop to think or reason. He acts on instinct, like a stable animal, convinced he's doing good, that he's always right, and sanctimoniously proud to go around f***ing up ... anyone he perceives to be different from himself, be it because of skin color, creed, language, nationality, or ... leisure habits. What the world needs is more thoroughly evil people and fewer borderline pigheads. — Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Cult Mother- Now what does your spirit animal say to you?
Thugs- Uhm...Uh...
-King Shark smashes through the roof-
King Shark- Hi. My name is Trixie. I like to party. — Adam Glass

New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, "Don't be hatin' on my cape, bitch." Sorry, but Popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they've been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years
almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace ... Those aren't just symbols of the Papacy, they are the Papacy. The day the Pope shows up on the balcony in a pair of jeans and polo shirt is the day a billion Catholics go, "What the hell were we thinking? — Bill Maher

The fact is that camels are far more intelligent than dolphins. They are so much brighter that they soon realised that the most prudent thing any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendants not to spend a lot of time on a slab with electrodes clamped to their brains or sticking mines on the bottom of ships or being patronized rigid by zoologists, is to make bloody certain humans don't find out about it. So they long ago plumped for a lifestyle that, in return for a certain amount of porterage and being prodded with sticks, allowed them adequate food and grooming and the chance to spit in a human's eye and get away with it. — Terry Pratchett

Go! Go! Go! Go!' said that officer, with an expression as though he considered our Cap an individual of the animal kingdom whom neither Buffon nor any other natural philosopher had ever classified, and who, as a creature of unknown habits, might sometimes be dangerous. — E.D.E.N. Southworth

It seems only fair," Matthew continued. "A bit of karma, if you will." He twirled the stake again. "Shall we see how long you scream?"
"Are you ever going to shut up?" I snapped, fear and irritation filling me in equal measures. "This isn't your monologue, Hamlet. It's the battle scene, in case you've forgotten."
His eyes narrowed so fast they nearly sparked. They were the color of honey on fire. One of the others growled like an animal, low in his throat. It made all the hairs on my arms stand straight up.
I was going to die for making fun of Shakespeare.
My English Lit professor would be so proud. — Alyxandra Harvey

Animal rights is a serious subject, but I do my best to find humor where I can, and I have some great help: there are almost two hundred cartoons included in the book, including dozens from the brilliant Bizarro strip. — Karen Dawn

This "who's on top" banter continues until one wrestler (who has slyly gone to hide behind a chair) leaps upon his rival with an animal cry. The pair then proceeds to create a series of tableaux that appear to be from the Kama Sutra, Vatsyayana's ancient Indian textbook of carnal satisfaction. Occasionally, the tension is broken by a wrestler who picks up a large object, such as a table, to throw on the other's head, as if suddenly disgusted by his forbidden love. — A.C. Kemp

A certain excess of animal spirits with thoughtless good-humor will often make more enemies than the most deliberate spite and ill-nature, which is on its guard, and strikes with caution and safety. — William Hazlitt

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.
How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee? — John Green

Man is a clothed animal; almost. — Ahmed Mostafa

A towel, [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. — Douglas Adams

You would never do anything like that, would you?" my wife asked him. "You would never hurt animals."
Our son shook his head, looking offended by the question. He might have been lying, but my knowledge of his belief system, composed of equal parts off-kilter Far Side animal-centrism and a dark Captain Nemoesque contempt for humanity, inclined me to think he was telling the truth. Gigantic fish pulling the limbs from cruel little boys, that might be something you could get him to sign on for. — Michael Chabon

Scientists say that these things evolved this way over millions of years." He shook his head. "That's a bunch of bunk. I don't think an animal can just all-of-a-sudden decide it wants to make light grow out it's butt. What kind of nonsense is that? Animals don't make light." He pointed to the stars. "God does that. I don't know why or how, but I'm pretty sure it's not chance. It's not some haphazard thing he does in his spare time."
He looked at me, and his expression changed from one of wonder to seriousness, to absolute convicton. "Chase, I don't believe in chance." He held up the jar. "This is not chance, neither are the stars." ... "And neither are you. So, if your mind is telling you that God slipped up and might have made one giant mistake when it comes to you, you remember the firefly's butt. — Charles Martin

I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli's new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog was supposed to wear the backpack, but it turned out the person wore the backpack with the dog in it. — Claire Cook

An older, inebriated Scot who looked like he'd been sitting on his barstool all day looked me up and down, then smelled the air. "Heh, neebr, goat a deid an'mal in yer bac'pac, or iz it ye tha' bloody stinks?"
My brain took a moment to translate. "Actually, yes, there is a dead animal in my backpack, but I probably stink, too. — Steve Alten

If there is any animal in the whole category of four-legged creatures that more thoroughly deserves to be called a pig than the pig, I don't know what it is. He looks like a pig, he behaves like a pig, and he eats like a pig - in fact he is a pig, and Adam never did anything better than when he invented that name and applied it. — John Kendrick Bangs

I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end. — Jeff Kinney

Valkyrie walked to the back door, which hadn't been closed properly, shut it and locked it. There was now a baby in the house, after all. She couldn't take the chance that a wild animal might wander in and make off with Alice, like those dingoes in Australia. She was probably being unfair to both dingoes and Australia, but she couldn't risk it. Locked doors kept the dingoes out, and that's all there was to it, even if she didn't know what a dingo actually was. She took out her phone, searched the Internet, found a picture of a baby dingo and now she really wanted a baby dingo for a pet. — Derek Landy

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. — Ellen DeGeneres

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! — Demetri Martin

Are you a vegetarian?' I ask, based on the evidence in front of me.
She nods.
'Why?'
'Because I have this theory that when we die, every animal that we've eaten has a chance at eating us back. So if you're a carnivore and you add up all the animals you've eaten
well, that's a long time in purgatory, being chewed.'
'Really?'
She laughs. 'No. I'm just sick of the question. I mean, I'm a vegetarian because I think it's wrong to eat other sentient creatures. And it sucks for the environment. — David Levithan

Walking alongside his apprentice's horse, Sethil Longmere, magus of the Third Circle, Magi Master of Dormir's army, and a man who had seen more years than most men could count, did his best to keep his apprentice Rousche from falling off his gelding. The dun horse had a sure foot and a good temper, but it seemed unlikely the animal was used to a grown man lying face first in its mane, legs sprawled behind, dangling with each step. — Clifton Hill

Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch. By taking a more positive, heartwarming approach to animal rescue, I've been able to engage people and keep them engaged for years. Instead of selling the agony and misery - and sadly, there is no shortage of that - I start with the happy endings. I work backwards so the first message they get is joy and success due to their involvement. Opening the mind with humor and joy gets the rescue message in that much deeper. — Elayne Boosler

After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference. — Charlotte Gray

Being a hero to someone, even if it is a dog, is a feeling like no other. Though it can be frustrating, it can be the most rewarding thing to give someone a second chance at a happy life. — Elizabeth Parker

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes. — Mark Twain

Left wing, whacko groups like animal rights activists and right-to-lifers were easy targets for my humor. I enjoyed poking fun at these closed-minded groups. — Bill Bernico

A lamb was a young animal which was legendary for sleeping well on the planet Earth. — Kurt Vonnegut

Forty dollars for one adult nonrefundable ticket. You're in luck - your bus leaves in a half hour. But there's no dogs, unless that's a service animal."
"Oh, yeah," Call said, with a quick look down at Havoc. "He's totally a service dog. He was in the service - the navy, actually."
The woman's eyebrows went up.
"He saved a man," Call said, trying out the story as he counted the cash and pushed it through the slot. "From drowning. And sharks. Well, just the one shark, but it was a pretty big one. He's got a medal and everything. — Cassandra Clare

Noah shifted on the bed, and the oddest crunching sound came underneath him. I looked, really looked, at the bed for the first time.
"What," I asked slowly, as I eyed the animal crackers strewn all over it, "the hell?"
"You were convinced they were your pets," Noah said, not even trying to suppress his laughter. "You wouldn't let me touch them. — Michelle Hodkin

So he said to young Sam: if you lose your cow you should report this to the Watch under Demonic & Farmyard Animals (Lost) Act of 1804. They will swing into action with keenness and speed. Your cow will be found. If it has been impersonating other animals, it may be arrested. If you are a stupid person, do not look for your cow yourself. Never try to milk a chicken. It hardly ever works. — Terry Pratchett

My main regret in life is that there is no MacArthur Fellowship awarded in the field of Panda Satire. — Anne Belov

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch. — Bill Maher

Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight. — Dave Barry

So, I was looking through websites about animal sacrifice on the Internet," Kami announced to distract herself. "Apparently it's a feature in Satanic rituals."
"Wow," Rusty remarked, his voice slightly muffled. "I sure hope this conversation continues over dinner."
"Wait," Angela said, expertly twisting Rusty's arm. "I thought we were dealing with kids? Are we talking about twelve-year-old Satanists?" She paused. "Actually, that makes a lot of sense. I suspect those kids from the cricket club. — Sarah Rees Brennan

You are pregnant, with child, in the family way. People, some of whom you hardly know, will begin to comment on your belly size. They might even give it a rub, like you have strapped an animal of some kind in your front side and given total strangers permission to pet you at their leisure. — Amy E. Spiegel

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still. — Bill Bailey

Out last chance is a cat's magic sight. We are doomed. — Laurell K. Hamilton

Another Thing I'm Sick of Hearing:
If I started that gay rights group,
I must be gay.
So if i start an animal rights group,
what does that make me?
A giraffe? — James Howe

Gaiety is to good-humor as animal perfumes to vegetable fragrance. The one overpowers weak spirits, the other recreates and revives them. Gaiety seldom fails to give some pain; good-humor boasts no faculties which every one does not believe in his own power, and pleases principally by not offending. — Samuel Johnson

They didn't tell Miles what their destination was. He only knew they traveled south, and he'd as soon have done so on a mode of transportation other than the camel.
The creatures bore heavy inanimate burdens calmly enough. But his showed a marked aversion to being ridden. The camel made insulting noises as Miles circled it, looking for a place to get on. The animal complained loudly and cursed him bitterly in camel language when he was finally seated. It snarled and growled and turned around to give him venomous looks. Then, as you'd expect, it flatly refused to obey him. When Miles tried to turn its head, it tried to bite his feet. When he snapped at the animal to behave, it promptly lay down. When at last the humor seized it to get up, it made sure to throw Miles back and forth violently in the process. — Loretta Chase

They got a manure machine in there," Keller said. He went up to the barn and peeked through a hole between tow boards. "On wheels. It's fun to ride sometimes, when you don't care how you smell. — Sandra Neil Wallace

Just a little pointer, Indy, girl to girl, if you want that week with Lee to last into two. He likes it
when you go down on him in the morning. He's a fucking animal in bed but give him a morning BJ,
he'll return the favor and rock your world."
Every muscle in my body froze solid.
"What did she just say?" Stevie asked.
"She did not just say that in front of me," Kitty Sue said.
"Holy crap," Dolores said.
"Oh ... my ... gawd," Tod said.
"You fucking bitch," Ally said.
"This is more like it," Tex said. — Kristen Ashley

There was one field in which man was unsurpassed; he showed unlimited ingenuity in devising bigger and more efficient ways to kill off, enslave, harass, and in all ways make an unbearable nuisance of himself to himself. Man was his own grimmest joke on himself. The very bedrock of humor was - Man is the animal who laughs, — Robert A. Heinlein

Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. — Ambrose Bierce

Ly-di-ah! I sit beneath your window, laaaass, singing 'cause I loooove your a - "
"For the love of St. Francis of Assisi, someone call a vet. There is an injured animal screaming in pain outside," Charlotte interrupted the flow of music in ill-humor. — Michelle M. Pillow

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. — Mitch Hedberg