Amusing Short Quotes & Sayings

Liberal Doctrine: it is not children who misbehave, but parents. — Mason Cooley

Long story short: I don't know shit about whatever dancing monkey of the moment is amusing the plebes. — Antonio Garcia Martinez

That would be me," I said. "Good afternoon, gentlemen. Is this a joke?" "I beg your pardon?" the older fellow inquired politely, a faint smile on his narrow face. He sounded like an English butler. "You know, a tall priest and a short rabbi walk into a pagan bookstore ... " "What?" He looked down at his companion, seeming to realize for the first time that he was quite a bit shorter and in fact of a different religious order than he. "Oh, gracious, I suppose it must seem amusing at that." He didn't seem amused, though. — Kevin Hearne

But nobody yet had been able to dig down to what was most captivating about her: this was the mysterious ability of her soul to apprehend in life only that which had once attracted and tormented her in childhood, the time when the soul's instinct is infallible; to seek out the amusing and the touching: to feel constantly an intolerable, tender pity for the creature whose life is helpless and unhappy; to feel across hundreds of miles that somewhere in Sicily a thin-legged little donkey with a shaggy belly is being brutally beaten. Whenever she did come across a creature that was being hurt, she experienced a kind of legendary eclipse - when inexplicable night comes down and ash flies and blood appears on the walls - and it seemed that if at once, at once, she did not help, did not cut short another's torture (the existence of which it was absolutely impossible to explain in a world so conducive to happiness), her heart would not stand it, and she would die. — Vladimir Nabokov

I am a compromiser and maneuverer. I try to get something. That's the way our system works. — Lyndon B. Johnson

Assuming mother's absence is only for a short time, don't be too concerned if you find yourself being more relaxed than she is over what the children eat. It is far better to maintain harmony and let mother cope with the problem later. You can use the excuse "You are only having this because Mummy's in hospital!". — Nursing Mothers' Association Of Australia

Ridicule, nominally amusing but really an expression of hostility, was the favourite weapon - the worst possible, short of actual cruelty, in dealing with young people. — Bertrand Russell

On the whole, and providing one is in good spirits and feeling reasonably bright, it is not hard to converse for a short space of time on subjects about which one knows little, and it is indeed often amusing to see how cunningly one can steer the conversational barque, hoisting and lowering her sails, tacking this way and that to avoid reefs, and finally racing feverishly for home with the outboard engine making a loud and cheerful noise. — Virginia Graham

He vividly recalled those old doubts and perplexities, and it seemed to him that it was no mere chance that he recalled them now. It struck him as strange and grotesque, that he should have stopped at the same spot as before, as though he actually imagined he could think the same thoughts, be interested in the same theories and pictures that had interested him ... so short a time ago. He felt it almost amusing, and yet it wrung his heart. ...It seemed to him, he had cut himself off from everyone and from everything at that moment. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

The liberal party said, or rather allowed it to be understood, that religion is only a curb to keep in check the barbarous classes of the people; and Stepan Arkadyevitch could not get through even a short service without his legs aching from standing up, and could never make out what was the object of all the terrible and high-flown language about another world when life might be so very amusing in this world. — Leo Tolstoy

I should also give some space to Amotz Zahavi's idea that altruistic donation might be a 'Potlatch' style of dominance signal: see how superior to you I am, I can afford to make a donation to you! — Richard Dawkins

But I am not sure it would contain any short stories. For the short story is a minor art, and it must content itself with moving, exciting and amusing the reader ... I do not think that there is any (short story) that will give the reader that thrill, that rapture, that fruitful energy which great art can produce. — W. Somerset Maugham

To open his lips is crime in a plain citizen. — Quintus Ennius

It is a very great mistake, common to counsel, and especially to young counsel, to consider that a decision of any court must necessarily command the respect of another. — Samuel Freeman Miller

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch — Keisha Keenleyside

A St. Trinian's girl would be sadistic, cunning, dissolute, crooked, sordid, lacking morals of any sort and capable of any excess. She would also be well-spoken, even well-mannered and polite. Sardonic, witty and very amusing. She would be good company. In short: typically human and, despite everything, endearing. — Ronald Searle