Adult Humour Quotes & Sayings

Being amongst rough lives and confusion does not make you less, it only makes your beauty shine out more clearly. — Sharon Sant

The human body is the best work of art. — Jess C. Scott

He continued to attack the gate. His arm started to ache. The hammer was designed for neither brute nor force.
"Are you all right up there?" asked Eleanor. "Want me to go see if I can find a small child to give you a lift?"
"Maybe if we swapped positions and you condescended at the gate, we'd get through faster? — Gary Meehan

Y-naga: "That's the thing ... It's like trying to find a guy who's a kid at heart but still a responsible adult, so he can be counted on when I find myself in a pinch, somebody who's a little wild at times but normally lets me have my way even when I'm being selfish and just says, "well, if you insist," a guy who's not too full of himself but understands what clothes suit his body type best ... "
S-hara: "What I'm saying is the pretty ones are stupid! The ones who have it all together are all so, so stubborn that they never do things my way! — Fumi Yoshinaga

Mother Goose!
I have never much cared for flippant remarks, especially when others make them, and in particular, I don't give a frog's fundament for them when they come from an adult. — Alan Bradley

Clearly, she hadn't heard of the two words 'social' and 'life'. — Adele Rose

You were lookin' at me like you wanted to kiss me."
I force a laugh. "Yeah, right," I say sarcastically.
"Nobody's watchin' if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I'm somewhat of an expert. — Simone Elkeles

I guess I like things that take time and attention. More worthwhile that way. — Huntley Fitzpatrick

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain. — Jefferson Smith

Jacob glanced across at the woman. 'She'd have you for breakfast, mate.'
'Yeah,' Luca countered, 'maybe I want to be had for breakfast. — Sharon Sant

But a cock does not enter a hen ... it enters a ... meow-meow! — Faraaz Kazi

And he had been very badly treated by a girl too. He had thought her a really civilised and adult personality, and then she had unexpectedly revealed that she was a mass of bourgeois prejudices and monogamic instincts. — C.S. Lewis

Would you like me to put you out of your misery, before I put you out of your misery? — Paul Cude

Your king is SUPPOSED to explode? What kind of government system is that? — Jefferson Smith

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet. — Jefferson Smith

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa. — Ricky Gervais

That's enough!" Holly scrambled out of her seat, too. "My three-year-old behaves better than all of you." She looked down at LJ, who was trying to stuff a fry up his nostril. "And that's not saying a whole lot. — Nicole Williams

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard? — Jefferson Smith

Sadie gave her head an exaggerated scratch. 'Don't come too close if you know what's good for you, these nits are on steroids. — Sharon Sant

Hecate smelt the odour of death as clearly as she might smell the wonderful, scented fragrance of blooming flowers in springtime or the delicious smell of dinner wafting down the hallway. — Adele Rose

What are you boys doing?" she asks, as if we're still little kids messing around.
"Arguin'," Carlos says matter-of-factly. — Simone Elkeles

You look like a hot tamale."
"That's not really a compliment. — Simone Elkeles

Grandma's house had the atmosphere of a Tupperware box left out in the sun. Like a tropical flower, she had to be kept warm and moist at all times, or she would wilt and die. — Matthew Crow

But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and then I had to press the whole shirt again to get out the creases I'd pressed into it. — Jennifer Echols

I had shaved my beard for her-a huge disappointment, because I'd enjoyed my three weeks looking like a bank robber. — Jennifer Echols

Rotten, dirty, back-slapping, wine-quaffing, haemorrhoid-hosting, goat-shagging, fart-sniffing, Crispin-loving, gold-snatching bastards!!! — Aaron D'Este

Look,' said Cyrus, raising his knife again and pointing it at her. 'Give me one reason why we shouldn't kill your boyfriend over there. Come on. The dark scowling face is reason enough in my book.'
She could have sworn she heard the sound of Lucas's eyes narrowing to slits.
'Come on, just one reason,' Cyrus repeated, 'and it better not include the words love, eternal or soul. — Sarah Alderson

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven't done in years - barnyard sounds. — Simone Elkeles

Right. Because if you have trouble putting ketchup and mustard on a hot dog, you should totally move on to saving lives. — Huntley Fitzpatrick

A text pops up on the screen. It's from Luis. I can't help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message.
Luis: Hey — Simone Elkeles

Boys don't gossip."
"Pah! You don't know us as well as you think."
This was a disturbing prospect. — Jennifer Echols

When I turn back to Jase, he's again beaming at me. "You're nice." He sounds pleased, as if he hadn't expected this aspect of my personality. — Huntley Fitzpatrick

I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out."
Oh, please no. Anything except having to listen to her lecture. I push the button that calls the nurse.
"Can we help you, Alex?" a voice bellows through the speaker.
"I'm bein' tortured. — Simone Elkeles

Sylvia grabs my sleeve. "He's a looker."
"I know. The problem is, he knows it, too. — Simone Elkeles

But I don't want to be a vampire drone.' Sophronia winced. 'They'll suck my blood and make me wear only the very latest fashions. — Gail Carriger

Cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder. — Simone Elkeles

They were Siamese twins, joined at the groin by a traitorous piece of meat. — Nancy A. Collins

When they're together, the world could fall apart around them and they'd never notice or care as long as they have each other.
About Alex and Brittany. — Simone Elkeles

Sadly, like many times in life, including winning the lottery, we don't always get what we wish for. — Adele Rose

Don't try and make me feel better, Alex. I hate you."
"I hate you, too. — Simone Elkeles

Jase props himself up on an elbow, looking at me for a minute without saying anything. His face gets an unreadable expression, and I wish I could take back walking over.
Then he observes, "I'm guessing that's a uniform."
Crap. I'd forgotten I was still wearing it. — Huntley Fitzpatrick

I didn't realise you'd ridden here on your high horse — Robyn Schneider

We're adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you're counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even. — Robyn Carr

This is Sailor Supergirl," George says. "She knows all about black holes. — Huntley Fitzpatrick

It's not really wine," he said. "It's Diet Coke. And if anyone ever serves you brown wine with a foamy head, send it back. — Jennifer Echols

It's just ... how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find. — Liz Czukas

His tricks had raised the temperature of the room considerably, although I was pretty sure his presence alone had that effect. — Adele Rose

Can you put your hands on my crotch?"
"Why, hell no, I cannot." I didn't remember anything like this happening in Pride and Prejudice. — Jennifer Echols

Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?"
"Yeah," I say. "As long as it's not in your house and you don't know about it, you're okay with us messin' around."
"I know you're joking with me. You are joking with me, aren't you?"
"Maybe. — Simone Elkeles

No bikinis on a first date." He nods. "I'm sure that's a rule. Or should be. For my sisters anyway. — Huntley Fitzpatrick

What's with all those tattoos? Makes you look like a hooligan."
"I suspect I am a hooligan. — Simone Elkeles

Ben walks in the room and asks, "What were you guys doing?" Nikki says "Nothing" at the same time I say, "Your sister and I were just makin' out. — Simone Elkeles

You've got a big ego, Fuentes."
"That's not all I've got. — Simone Elkeles

From my bedroom window, I can see the sun peeping through the clouds. London certainly isn't a city noted for its climate, but I think, sooner or later, you get used to it, and live with the weather. For most of the year, everyone and everything seems to be tucked up cosily in grey cotton wool, but Dickens said that fog is a characteristic of London, didn't he? This climate could go hand in hand with my dismal humour. — Sarah Iles

It doesn't matter if it's the real world or fictional," I insisted. "Crushes are the best part of liking someone, and they are completely safe. You get all the benefits of fantasising about someone, but none of the he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not drama. It's all the good parts with none of the parts that make you lie awake at night all angsty. — Liz Czukas

Holy moly Pikachu bolts! — Adele Rose

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait. — Jess C. Scott

There's always time for arguin' when you're a Fuentes. — Simone Elkeles

Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell."
"To be fair, you still look pretty bad. — John Green

I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them. — Jennifer Echols

It is a fool of a shepherd who culls his dogs. — Jefferson Smith

With every step, I cursed the person who had ever invented the saying: "Speak of the devil". Clearly, they had no sympathy for me! — Adele Rose

But cocks aren't supposed to lay eggs ... " Sahil said, trying to untangle himself. " ... they're supposed to fertilise them. — Faraaz Kazi

You know its going to be a bad day when you are having a prostate examination and you feel both of your doctor's hands on your shoulders! — Michael Robotham

Soon, they actually began to titter on their toes as they glared at me, looking more like an army of angry wasps than ever before. All they needed now were matching yellow and black jumpers and pretend stingers! — Adele Rose

Jake's in trouble.'
Luca rolled his eyes. 'What now?'
'He's gone off somewhere, I think I know where, and I don't think it's good.'
'Cant that boy ever stay in and watch telly like the rest of us? — Sharon Sant

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did. — Simone Elkeles

Mick reached backwards without breaking eye contact and ran his hand across the door behind him, "See this?" he said. "This is my door. And no-one is touching my door today." He shook his head slowly as if the issue wasn't even up for debate.

Surle said nothing, just stared.

Mick swung his sword lazily, pointing towards the floor between himself and the infamous Marshal, "See this floor here? This floor is my porch," he said. "And no-one is welcome on my porch today, especially you."

Still nothing from Surle, just silence.

"So why don't you just sod off like a good little lackey? — Aaron D'Este

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people. — Erica Sehyun Song

Do you ever wear leather?" the guy asks.
"What?"
"Leather. Do you like leather?"
"It doesn't exactly wipe me out."
"I like to see boys in leather."
I look at him cool. "Okay," I say, "what is it you want and how much are you willing to pay for it?"
"I've got a leather jacket upstairs...Would you put it on?"
"Just put it on?"
"I'll go and get it."
He leaves the horror hole and returns a few minutes later holding a leather flying jacket with a lambswool collar. There are tears in the jacket's sleeves, and the lambswool is yellow with age. John Wayne could've worn it in one of those crappy war films he made. "Put it on," the guy says.
I give him a spiky smile and put on the jacket. "Okay, where's the plane, and what time's take-off?"
"Drop your jeans and turn around. — Eric Bishop-Potter

Luis is right there. I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn't as much of a chick magnet when you get into junior high. — Simone Elkeles

There are no dirty words in this book, except for 'hell' and 'God', in case someone is fearing that an innocent child might see 1 ... Perhaps the only precept taught me by Grandfather Wills that I have honoured all my adult life is that profanity and obsceny entitle people who don't want unpleasant information to close their eyes and ears to you. — Kurt Vonnegut

That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate's clothes, but it didn't make me Kate. — Sharon Sant

Whoa, who was that?"
"Madison Stone," Kiara mutters.
"Introduce me to her."
"Why?"
Because I know it'll annoy the shit out of you. — Simone Elkeles