Adult Humor Quotes & Sayings

Oh, I don't mean to infer that you're not a great guy. I'm sure you're the exception to the rule. — Jaye Frances

Help me out," I pleaded. "You've left me alone to deal with this situation, and now we're being dealt the consequences."
I swore I heard Tom growl. I actually pulled the phone from my ear to stare at it to make sure it hadn't turned into a tiny lion. — Laura Kreitzer

She walks a tightrope between psycho and smokin'. — Daniel Marks

In the middle of a grocery store, two children were horsing around (one holding the other in a headlock) when the mother turned abruptly to give them a stern reprimand.
'You two are old enough to know better than to behave this way in public! Could you - at least for the time we're in this store - mind your manners enough to act like an adult?'
The children took less than a moment to consider their mother's question before facing each other and engaging in the following conversation:
'I hate you.'
'I hate you too.'
'Let's get a divorce.'
'Okay.'
Perhaps 'act like an adult' isn't such good advice anymore. — Richelle E. Goodrich

Too young to care; Too old to change. — Hafsa Shah

Dude! Get a fucking grip, it's just a song!
When had I turned into a 5-yr-old girl? At the very least, I needed to get my libido under control before the song finished, because I didn't think that my raging hard-on would be a good icebreaker. Well, figuratively speaking anyway, I thought smugly. — M.C. Lavocat

Hey, Mrs. Jakes, how come people can't afford new shoes or food, but they can still buy candy?" She smiled and waved him off. "Oh, people will always find a way to buy chocolate, Elliot. Chocolate is forever. — Jack C. Monroe

I don't believe it! You're still interested in the girl, despite the fact that she might be some kind of alien. Does this sickness of yours have any bounds? — Tom Upton

That was Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things to Have a Funner LIfe and Make a Better Liar Out of Yourself Number 83 ... If a Adult Tells You Not to Worry, and You Weren't Worried Before, You Better Hurry Up and Start 'Cause You're Already Running Late. — Christopher Paul Curtis

Stanley forced a smile to his lips at the memory of the onesided romance; it was silly, after all, a stupid childhood crush. Who'd fall in love with a fictional character? That was the kind of thing you laughed about as an adult. Or at least Harriet had thought so. He couldn't quite do it, though. Couldn't quite see it as a joke. It had felt too real, too raw and wild and fierce, for him to
dismiss it even now. It was love, of a sort, stunted and unformed as it was. For a time, it had kept him sane. — Amelia Mangan

We'd better get. But y'all have a nice night,' I say. Apparently, fear turns me Texan. A startling personality insight that I'll jot down later if I'm not dead in a ditch. — A.M. Robinson

How does one have a duel with a dragon? Well, since they live high up in the mountains, and getting all the way up there can be quite a nuisance indeed, one just has to ring the guest bell the dragons rather politely placed at the bottom many years ago when very incensed farmers kept appearing with complaints about their dwindling livestock. Dragons jokingly refer to it as "their dinner bell. — Sully Tarnish

Dignity is overrated. You know what trumps dignity? Kissing. — Nina LaCour

I envisioned him tied in a chair, an iron arrow pointed at his brow. Ah, the power of positive thinking. — Red Tash

When I look at my bookcase and see the books upon the shelves, I think to myself, There is a God. — Sully Tarnish

Adam mused, "Incorruptus. I never thought anyone would use that word to describe Lynch." Ronan looked as pleased as a pit viper ever could. — Maggie Stiefvater

Strange though, I never took you for a nympho. — Eve Masters

Ernestine used to remark, in a tone tinged with envy, that Lill was probably New Jersey's youngest gold digger, and that few adult gold diggers ever had received more, in return for less. — Frank B. Gilbreth Jr.

It's like everyone has a central dilemma in their life, and mine was can you be in a committed, mature, loving adult relationship and still get invited to threesomes? - Dexter Mayhew — David Nicholls

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet. — Jefferson Smith

No, dude. I told you, we're not crazy. — Natasha Larry

I've always found wildlife very calming
except when animals are eating each other, of course. — Tom Upton

When life hands you lemons sometimes you just have to say screw the lemons, and bail. — Magan Vernon

When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt away as I was lost in his lips- Bentley Evans — Magan Vernon

All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I'm being judged. — Tom Upton

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard? — Jefferson Smith

I'm beginning to think that if you're going to have a role model you should probably pick someone who's already dead so they can't disappoint you. — Dyan Sheldon

What is that?" Addison inspects the food with a look of sheer revulsion on her face. You'd swear I just handed her a plate full of arsenic.
"The Works Burger with fries and extra onions and cheese, exactly as you ordered." I keep my voice level.
She sends me a scathing look. "Do I look like I'd ever consume that amount of saturated fat? — Siobhan Davis

I nipped little kisses along his jawline. God, I just couldn't keep my hands or lips off of him. "God, you are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted."
He laughed. "That's something the vampire should be saying to you, not the other way around. — Tish Thawer

The ability for anyone in our generation to self-amuse has sadly been bred out of our species. — Kim Askew

Norman picked up a sketch, glanced at it, then put it back down on the table. "I saw Bea Williamson this morning," he said in a low voice. "Lurking about looking for cut glass."
"Oh, of course," Mira said with a sigh. "Did she have it with her?"
Norman nodded solemnly. "Yep. I swear, I think it's almost gotten ... bigger."
Mira shook her head. "Not possible."
"I'm serious," Norman said. "It's way big."
I kept waiting for someone to expand on this, but since neither of them seemed about to, I asked, "What are you talking about?"
They looked at each other.
Then, Mira took a breath. "Bea Williamson's baby," she said quietly, as if someone could hear us, "has the biggest head you have ever seen."
Norman nodded, seconding this.
"A baby?" I said.
"A big-headed baby," Mira corrected me. "You should see the cranium on this kid. It's mind-boggling. — Sarah Dessen

It was sweet he was checking on me. He didn't have to, but he knew that Blair and I were friends. Sisters, even. And he wanted to protect her friends like he'd protect her.

Well, maybe not the same way. If there was a gun fight he'd probably use me as a shield to protect her. But still, he cared. — Barbara C. Doyle

Welhewan is charming us,' Sasha says in an unsure voice. 'It is trying to soothe us with its lullaby. Do not let yourself . . . Oh, a butterfly. Look how beautiful it is! No, don't look. The forest is making us happy, and we cannot let it. — Sarah Dalton

So, okay. He was basically an amalgamation of every redheaded man to ever turn my crank (and how!). And he lived in a popular gay resort town, which meant the chances were above average that he might actually be interested. Watching him trot lightly down those stairs to the beach, I realized what my objective this summer would be.
Agent Carlisle, your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to find out which of these residences belongs to Mr. Strawberry-Blond Hunka Burnin' Love and convince him to do you on every horizontal surface - and against a few of the vertical ones. — Amelia C. Gormley

I went to the doctor," said the woman next to Ethel. "I said to him, 'I've got an itchy twat.'"
[ ... ]
She went on: "The doctor says to me, he goes, 'You shouldn't say that, it's a rude word.'"
[ ... ]
"I says to him, 'What should I say, then, doctor?' He says to me, 'Say you've got an itchy finger.'"
[ ... ]
"He says to me, 'Do your finger itch you all the time, Mrs. Perkins, or just now and again?'"
Mildred paused, and the women were silent, waiting for the punch line.
"I says, 'No, doctor, only when I piss through it. — Ken Follett

For everyone knows that a girl cannot live on chicken cordon blue alone. — Lindsay Eland

I guess if you get too close, the twinkling stops; they don't look like stars anymore. — Graham Spaid

Watch it, loincloth, I'm not afraid to spork your eyes out. — Magan Vernon

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off. — Brandon Mull

Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done." He winked at Butler.
"Are you sure you're at the library? I thought I heard water."
Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. "Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information."
"Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you're wearing that smug smile of yours. — Eoin Colfer

His eyes are a hazy swirl of
gray, like a thick mass of clouds gathering before an impending storm — Elle Kennedy

When he flashed that rockin' smile of his again, I couldn't help but think that me being cute was what might be crossing his mind. Then again, maybe he thought I was a dumbass. Either way, he smiled, which was good enough for me. - Ariel — Victoria H. Smith

Speak kindly to with adult women as you would to your mother. — Lailah Gifty Akita

As an adult, I've met an ocean of divorced people. I might even know more divorced people than married people, because I live in godless Los Angeles, where if you're engaged it simply means you're publicly announcing that you are dating a person monogamishly. — Mindy Kaling

Nick spoke for the first time. "Can I go to the nurse's office too?"
Ms. Popplewell looked at him It obviously took her only one look to decide. "No."
"I'm traumatized too," Nick claimed, his voice completely flat.
"He's a delicate flower," Alan said under his breath. — Sarah Rees Brennan

Around eighth grade Margot started getting really sensitive about her weight, even though she wasn't remotely fat - just a little round-faced. So Margot did what any normal fourteen-year-old girl would do. She started puking on purpose, every day after fifth period. Of course now, she does more than puke. But we don't talk about that. Because real friends don't judge each other for what they do to survive in hell. — Isobel Irons

When the mind is free, magic happens. — C.G. Rousing

Uh, got into a fight with the kitchen or something?" he asked, smirking.
I ran my hands through my hair and felt remains of the fruit as I did and cringed. Well, this must be attractive. I motioned for him to come into the living room and shut the door behind him.
"Something like that," I replied coolly.
He walked past me and went to the kitchen, probably to get a better look. "Well, I see you won. The fruit won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Maybe the apples. Those look like they need some more killing. — Christie Cote

Still, it's really frustrating me that there doesn't seem to be anything in my closet that's appropriate to wear to an exorcism. — Paige McKenzie

He smashed his lips together, and I knew what he was thinking. He always made that face before he brought up my mother. "Did it have anything to do with - "

"Not everything is about my mom," I snapped before he could get the words out. "Geez, you took one psychology class, and you think you're frickin' Freud. — K.J. McPike

First thing is that I love you. And the second thing is that as much as I honor your former profession, I don't think your geese care much for your betrothed and I hope they hadn't any plans on sharing our bed. — Shannon Hale

Other than the voices in my head, I think I'm pretty normal. — Tom Upton

Okay, on my first night, he tried to chat me up. You know how the story goes. 'You have the most beautiful eyes, I'm very rich, want to see my bedroom?' Blah, blah, blah."
"And because you turned him down, he's more determined than ever," Will guessed, with amazing accuracy. "You did turn him down, right?"
"Of course," I told him, insulted by the insinuation I would drop my knickers for a glass of wine. "Do you think I'd risk my job for a quick tumble in the sheets with him? — Kyra Lennon

We live in an adolescent society, Neverland, where never growing up seems more the norm than the exception. Little boys wearing expensive suits and adult bodies should not be allowed to run big corporations. They shouldn't be allowed to run governments, armies, religions, small businesses and charities either and just quietly, they make pretty shabby husbands and fathers too. Mankind has become Pankind and whilst "lost boys" abound, there is also an alarming increase in the number of "lost girls. — Daniel Prokop

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. — Jeremy Clarkson

Forty dollars for one adult nonrefundable ticket. You're in luck - your bus leaves in a half hour. But there's no dogs, unless that's a service animal."
"Oh, yeah," Call said, with a quick look down at Havoc. "He's totally a service dog. He was in the service - the navy, actually."
The woman's eyebrows went up.
"He saved a man," Call said, trying out the story as he counted the cash and pushed it through the slot. "From drowning. And sharks. Well, just the one shark, but it was a pretty big one. He's got a medal and everything. — Cassandra Clare

"Well
I don't know
the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope."
— Tom Upton

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait. — Jess C. Scott

Disembodied spirits," said his partner, "are not known to use telephones. Neither are spooks, phantoms, or werewolves."

"That was in the old days. Why shouldn't they change with the times and be modern, too? — Robert Arthur

Generally it appears the case that, when faced with all life's problems, the baby, he wants to cry about everything, the child wants to question everything, the teenager wants to rebel against everything, the young adult wants to solve everything, the middle-aged adult wants to protect everything, and the elder wants to accept everything. — Criss Jami

Well, of course. But, we already knew that. I mean ... I am kind of a big deal-Matt Carter — Natasha Larry

Fuck you!" "Right here?" He crossed his arms. "That definitely wouldn't help your getting over me. — Stacey Marie Brown

She glared at me. I didn't care. One word was playing a loop in my heaad: mine. — Kristen Callihan

I was in a fast-food restaurant for the first time in my adult life, an enormous and garish place just around the corner from the music venue. It was mystifyingly, inexplicably busy. I wondered why humans would willingly queue at a counter to request processed food, then carry it to a table which was not even set, and then eat it from the paper? Afterward, despite having paid for it, the customer themselves are responsible for clearing away the detritus. Very strange. — Gail Honeyman

It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum! We made it to Hollywood, time to give these aliens the golden boot!" - Angel from the Thousand Years War — Angel Ramon Medina

The only thing altruism will get you here is a boot stomping on your head. — Henry Mosquera

She paused in the doorway, tipping her head to consider Brittany, who only glared. "You're right. I think most girls don't look like the tooth fairy dresses them every day. — Wendy Knight

The children were overwhelmingly morbid. Not a single adult asked me where butterflies go when they die, but this question was more popular than pixie sticks with the under-four-foot set. I cursed parents for not preparing their children. When I was five, my mother and sister sat me up on the kitchen counter and explained the facts of life: the Easter Bunny didn't exist, Elijah was God's invisible friend, with any luck Nana would die soon, and if I ever saw a unicorn, I should kill it or catch it for cash. I turned out okay. — Sloane Crosley

Are you going to give her gonorrhea too, or was that gift just for me? — Cassia Leo

The adult was Eric "Rusty" Everett, thirty-seven, a physician's assistant working with Dr. Ron Haskell, whom Rusty often thought of as The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Because, Rusty would have explained, he so often remains behind the curtain while I do the work. — Stephen King

I know what you're thinking. 'How the hell does this broke ass piece of trailer trash know words like caveat,' right? Well guess what? I've read every single book on the New York Times list of 'Top 100 Literary Classics,' not to mention every Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath or Bronte sisters' book ever written. And fuck you very much for judging me, by the way. — Isobel Irons

I feel like I might start crying and that I'm going to cry pee. — John Green

Eventually, you're gonna have to let someone in. — Cassia Leo

If all goes well, we will be back in time for a proper memorial service [for your father], Ben. I promise."

Ben looked up, and all the bitterness was gone from his eyes, replaced somehow by both resignation and determination.

"And if all doesn't go well?" he asked, tightening his grip on Coralee's trusting hand as he led her outside to the driveway.

Kira's flawless features morphed into something like a smile, yet wholly without happiness or humor.

"Then you'll all be meeting up with [your father] soon enough, I expect. Either that, or you shall wish it was so. — Caitlin Rush

Life is much simpler if you don't notice anything ... — Tom Upton

Coming into your powers can be a very confusing time. Perhaps there is a book on the subject. If you like, we can go see Marian.
Yeah, right. Choices and Changes. A Modern Girl's Guide to Casting. My Mom Wants to Kill Me: A Self-Help Book For Teens. — Kami Garcia

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired. — John Green

Ramon looked closely at the little guy as he ate. "Maybe he's Jewish. I mean, if Sammy Davis Jr. could convert to Judaism, why not a chupacabra? We should name him Harry Mendelbaum."
I held up my arms in protest. "You're all racist. Now shut up. We'll call him Taco von Precious of Svenenstein. There, everybody happy?"
"Isn't von the same thing as of?" Frank asked. "Wouldn't that be kind of redundant?"
"You're redundant," I said. — Lish McBride

When Grant Blue reaches me, he bends his head down close enough that I can smell the soap and promise on his skin. Clean living and popularity - It's quite the aftershave, let me tell you. If I'm being honest, the fact that he even has to bend to talk to me is making me want to swoon a little ... But just a little. — Isobel Irons

That's ridiculous." So ridiculous. "He's an adult. All adults know how to apologize."
"I beg to disagree, Your Highness. Only half of the adults know how to apologize. The other half are
men, and speaking for my gender, I assure you a man will move heaven and earth rather than say, I'm
sorry . — Christina Dodd

You know, my main goal in life is trying not to end up in a straightjacket. — Tom Upton

someone like Grace. Someone exactly like Grace, with her Ted Bundy rants
and her calming presence and - hello, irony. — Elle Kennedy

I broke up with her to avoid getting into a serious relationship with her, and now it — Elle Kennedy

In any case, it's the cowardice of people like you who give dictators the chance to install themselves! — Marjane Satrapi

He held out his hand to Sophie, just like Mrs. Pentstemmon, but a little less royally. Sophie levered herself up, wondering if she was meant to kiss this hand or not. But since she felt more like raising her stick and beating the King over the head with it, she shook the King's hand and gave a creaking little curtsy. — Diana Wynne Jones

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar. — Jim Norton

You look like a corgi — Stephanie Perkins

Then maybe you'll believe me when I say ... you're pretty fucking special, Laney Hill. — Cassia Leo

Say yes, Jordan," he said, shifting closer.
"No," I said.
Owen smiled. "Close enough." And then he kissed me. — Eli Easton

In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance ... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself. — Marjane Satrapi

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people. — Mitch Hedberg

As a kid, snow served the useful purpose of closing schools. As an adult - it shuts down any activity a decent, suntanned person over the age of thirty-five enjoys. I don't do snow forts, snowballs, snow angels, snowmen, snowmobiles, or snowshoes. I don't like to walk in it, drive in it, ski on it, or sled on it. Other than that, snow is just ducky. — Michael Holbrook

As an adult, getting paid thousands of dollars a week to say, "Aye, Sir. Course laid in" is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked. — Wil Wheaton

If upper management found out, they'd send you off to the Probing Department. — Lee Davidson

Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that. -Aphrodite — P.C. Cast

This is the Rock, sweetheart," the owner added. "There's no tragedy you can't profit from. — Henry Mosquera

Your problem is a serious lack of imagination. You can't imagine being different than you are. — Linda Morris

His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don't - it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed. — Jen Naumann

A giant grin, accompanied by a slight chuckle, had been the grand finale to any of his most successful jokes, while the less impressive resulted in a raise of both his brows, which he followed with a semi-satisfied smirk. The least entertaining attempt at humor would get a shrug and a short grimace that reflected he too understood he'd just bombed. Olivia was acquainted with them all now, considering all the time they'd spent together, the most she'd spent with any other individual inside the vault. Olivia had become accustomed to his infectious humor, though it hadn't always been so. Especially, when they'd first met. — Jettie Necole

Do you fancy catching a movie at the Sturbridge Theater tonight? That new Robert Pattinson movie is showing," I ask her, the phone cradled against my chest.
"Definitely sign me up for that!" Ari replies, chuckling as I mock scowl. Her easy laugh warms my soul.
"We're in," I tell Gil, arranging to meet him and his date in the diner later.
"So, who is it this time?" Ari asks, resting her chin in her hands. "Anyone we know?"
Considering I can count the girls on one hand who have enjoyed more than one date with Gil, I doubt it'll be someone familiar. "I didn't ask; guess we'll find out soon enough."
"Five bucks says it's a blonde," Ari quips.
"That's one bet I'm not taking," I admit, twirling a lock of her hair around my finger. "Gil's penchant for blondes is world-renowned. — Siobhan Davis