25 Funny Quotes & Sayings

The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously. Do I miss the package I came in at 25? I do. Gravity is no one's friend. Yet the perspective I've gained is so worth the wear and tear. What would have mortified me at 25 is now simply fodder for a funny, relatable story. Also? I was a waitress at 25, and now I'm an author. Forty-five is definitely better. — Jen Lancaster

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it' ... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance. — Dennis Miller

The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny. — Christopher Titus

For as long as I can remember, I've had trouble with feelings. Other people get scared, nervous, or shy, excited, or happy, sad. I seem to have only two settings: blank or empty. — Michelle Hodkin

Remember that you are a wolf. And you cannot be caged. — Sarah J. Maas

A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old. — Craig Ferguson

It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing — Bill Wyman

The United States is our most important ally. They helped us many times. Without the United States, the unification or German democratisation after the Nazi period would have been much more complicated, or almost impossible. — Joschka Fischer

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years. — Frankie Boyle

Heaven's net is wide, but its mesh is fine — Lao-Tzu

Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on? — Conan O'Brien

I had a friend who, after 25 years of marriage, found himself trying to date again, and it was completely different. Everything had changed, and he had to reacquaint himself. It was funny even talking to him about it. For someone who has been out of the loop, it's a different world. — Steve Carell

It's funny: I put money into short films, and I put really good actors in it, and I write some stuff that's really funny, and I'll get, like, a million views. But to the right of me, there will be a video of a kitten that falls into a toilet bowl, and it's three seconds long, and it will get 25 million views. — Ben Schwartz

This is a young man who is only 25, and you have to say, her has answered every question that has ever been asked. — David Coleman

We all know that the world is empty and that the important thing, the only thing, is to try to maintain order in that emptiness. — Yukio Mishima