100 Funny Quotes & Sayings

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order — Josh Stern

But if a railway in the wilderness is to be a profitable business, if it is even to be possible, if it is to obtain the labour power necessary for its construction and the security necessary for its operational demands, there must be a State authority strong and ruthless enough to defend the interests of the foreign capitalists and even to yield blindly to their interests. — Anonymous

It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet. — Conan O'Brien

Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney. — Jay Leno

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ... ' " — Eddie Izzard

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average. — Adam Carolla

The heart that can no longer love passionately must with fury hate. — Jean Racine

Sometimes, the other characters are too normal and then you start to be brought back to reality but then Luna shows up and she is just so funny and cool and honest and slightly mad and she's all that matters. She is 100% true. She puts on no shows, because she is so comfortable with herself. — Evanna Lynch

I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn't happen again. If I could, I would have carried on playing. — Alex Ferguson

It's funny, I lived my first 38 years of my life with maybe one or two people ever saying that I looked like Greg Kinnear. As soon as I get into the entertainment industry, now it's 100 percent of people. — Greg Poehler

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix. — Dennis Miller

There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong. — Stephen Schneider

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it's a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER! — Lewis Black

It's pretty funny, just driving by in a cab, and you see a huge billboard of yourself on the side of a hotel, like a 100-by-100 poster hanging up. — Patrick Kane

I'm in my dressing room about to play to a sold-out crowd at the O2 arena in Ireland. Name a female rapper who's ever done that and I will give you $100,000. — Nicki Minaj

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings. — Dave Attell

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" — Henny Youngman

Drew's a funny guy. Because anything he gets into, he gets in 100%. Even when we were doing 'The Drew Carey Show,' he got into bowling, and suddenly he's phoning up pros for tips and carrying around 3 balls. It's just how he does it. — Ryan Stiles

I want to be age appropriate. I don't want to be that girl you see walking away and she looks 25 and then she turns around and she looks 90. — Stevie Nicks

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman

All the songs I have written for the mice go oompah oompah. But the white mice will only play toodle oodle — Neil Gaiman

All that we do is governed by the law of opposites in which every so-called positive act is exactly and equally balanced by its opposite.; — Tony Parsons

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. — Frankie Boyle

Politics has become incendiary. People don't find it so funny now so I have to be careful, but I have to wake them up with some truths and the truths I aim at them are over 100 years old. Facts that no one can dispute. — Hal Holbrook

About 100 things that your kid will do that will surprise you and break your heart and it will be a combination of fact based therapy, medically advised kinds of passages accompanied by celebrity anecdotes and just some funny stuff to lighten the load. — Alan Thicke

Exercise is a powerful weapon and scientifically proven to be as effective at battling depression as medication is---with fewer side effects. — Jay Danek

They have the guns, we have the poets. Therefore, we will win. — Howard Zinn

Haters ... are all failures. It's 100% across the board. No one who is truly brilliant at anything is a hater. — Joe Rogan