William Ritter Quotes & Sayings

The fish had kittens? — William Ritter

I can see why you're fond of Jackaby."
"Hah! He's as rare a breed as they come-that's the truth!"
Jackaby rolled his eyes. — William Ritter

Does this smell like paprika or gunpowder to you? — William Ritter

My brick. My house. My whole wide world. — William Ritter

Come to think of it, I am already keeping correspondence with a dog, with whom, I must admit, I find myself rather smitten. Also, I'm secretly hoping Mrs. Wiggles ends up a full halibut when this is through, because that would save me a trip to the market... although if Hatun's troll keeps company with a tabby, perhaps he wouldn't much appreciate a meal that used to be a cat."
Jackaby stared "I've already ruined you, haven't I?"
"Looks that way."
"And I suppose there's nothing to be done about it?"
"Not a thing. — William Ritter

The man had no portraits or photographs, but he had slowly surrounded himself with mementos of a fantastic past. Each little item, by the sheer nature of its being, told a story. Looking around was a little like being back on the dig, or like deciphering an ancient text, and I wondered what stories they would tell me if I only knew how to read them. — William Ritter

Kindness is an act of bravery, I think, just as hatred is an act of fear. I'm — William Ritter

Its a memorial, I said. What have you got in there that you could possible need at a memorial?

That sort of thinking is why you, young lady, have a scar on your sternum, and why my priceless copy of of the Apotropaicon has a broken spine. I prefer preparedness to a last minute scramble, thank you. — William Ritter

Rook, I should think it obvious." He smiled broadly. "I'm famously important. — William Ritter

I prefer preparedness to a last-moment scramble, thank you." We — William Ritter

He had the cheerful demeanor of someone who has been beaten about the face all night with a sock full of porridge - only — William Ritter

Make sure she doesn't go touching all the evidence." "Make sure she doesn't go touching the scraps of blood and gore that used to be a sweet little baby goat?" I asked. "Yes," said Jackaby frankly. "That." "I — William Ritter

Monsters are easy, Miss Rook. They're monsters. But a monster in a suit? That's basically just a wicked man, and a wicked man is a more dangerous thing by far. — William Ritter

I'm beginning to think a dictionary would have been a far more advantageous birthday gift for you."
"More advantageous than being eaten alive by a giant, carnivorous bunny? Yes, most things fall in that category, I think. — William Ritter

We are not the policy department, except for those of us who are," Jackaby revised. — William Ritter

I guess I forgot about being frightened because it felt good to finally be in the adventure. — William Ritter

Names have power... And he kept the one I gave him. My dear, sweet Jackaby. - Eleanor — William Ritter

To the attention of the New Fiddleham Police Department: You've got my middle-C, and I would like it back.

...

Please return Jackaby's tuning fork. He's getting even more obnoxious than usual. — William Ritter

I wondered which was sadder, leaving someone to cry after you were gone, or not having anyone who would miss you in the first place — William Ritter

A young woman across the dock pulled her winter coat tightly around herself and ducked her chin down as the crowd of sailors passed. Her shoulders might have shaken, just a little, but she kept to her path without letting the men's boisterous laughter keep her from her course. In her I saw myself, a fellow lost girl, headstrong and headed anywhere but home. — William Ritter

All exceptional people are, by definition, exceptions to the norm. If we insist on being ordinary, we can never be truly extraordinary. — William Ritter

But trust me, men are never worth it. Behind every great man is a woman who gave up on greatness and tied herself into an apron. Romance is for saps, Abbie. You're sharp and you've got pluck. Don't waste it. — William Ritter

The only paths you can't travel are the ones you block yourself--so don't let the fear of failure stop you from trying in the first place. — William Ritter

Follow my lead, Miss Rook," Jackaby said, rapping on the ornately trimmed door to 1206 Campbell Street. Were my employer a standard private investigator, those might have been simple instructions, but in the time I've been his assistant, I've found very little about Jackaby to be standard. Following his lead tends to call for a somewhat flexible relationship with reality. — William Ritter

No?" Jackaby tilted his head in mock sympathy. "It must be so dismal being you." "Only in present company," I teased back. — William Ritter

Hell of a sight. She let out a scream and just fell to pieces. Can't say I blame her. Like I said, this sort of thing is not for the female temperament." He directed that last sentiment at me, making eye contact for the first time.

"I dare say you're right, sir," I conceded, meeting his gaze. "Out of curiosity, though, is there someone whose temperament you do find suited to this sort of thing? I think I would be most unnerved to meet a man who found it pleasant. — William Ritter

The trick about falling is to catch yourself before you hit the dirt. — William Ritter

The real powers at play never take center stage. Don't follow the marionette, follow the strings. — William Ritter

It wasn't that I did not believe in ghosts; it was that I believed in them in the same noncommittal way that I believed in giant squids or lucky coins or Belgium. They were things that probably existed, but I had never given any occasion to really care one way or another. — William Ritter

Hudson blinked, but then he leaned down tentatively and gave the doorknob an obliging sniff. "It smells like...metal?" he said.
"Not-I don't know-a bit saturnine?" asked Jackaby, "with a hint of stygian exigency?"
"You know what any of those words mean?" Hudson asked, looking to me for help.
"I think one of them might be a sort of cheese. — William Ritter

I found a hat." "Your mind is both fascinating and infuriating, Miss Rook. — William Ritter

I excused myself to go see a duck about a dress. — William Ritter

So often," Jackaby said, "people think that when we arrive at a crossroads, we can choose only one path, but - as I have often and articulately postulated - people are stupid. We're not walking the path. We are the path. We are all of the roads and all of the intersections. Of course you can choose both. — William Ritter

Miss Rook, on a scale of one to pomegranate, how dangerous would you say this situation has become?"

"Dangerous?" I faltered.

"Yes, Miss Rook," prompted Jackaby, in your expert opinion."

"On a scale of one to pomegranate?" I followed his lead, checking over the notes I had scribbled in my notepad and speaking in my most audible, serious whisper. "I should think ... acorn? Possibly badger. Time alone will tell. — William Ritter

Jackaby turned to look at me. "What in heaven's name are you doing with my copy of Historia Lycanthropis?" "I - what?" I answered eloquently. "That book. What on earth are you doing with it?" "Well, you had the stick." His eyebrows furrowed. "This is a shillelagh. It was cut from Irish blackthorn by a leprechaun craftsman, cured in the furnace of Gofannon, and imbued with supernatural powers of protection. That" - he gestured to the book - "is a book." "It's heavy, though. — William Ritter

Charlie helped with the dig as well?"Jackaby said.
Charlie nodded.
"Surprising-I should think that unburying bones would go against generations of instinct to do just the opposite, wouldn't it? Ouch! Watch your step in the dark, Miss Rook-you just kicked my shin. Where was I? Right-I was saying that coming from a family of dogs-ouch! You've done it again, rather hard that time. Really, the path isn't even bumpy here. — William Ritter

I have ceased concerning myself with how things look to others, Abigail Rook. I suggest you do the same. In my experience, others are generally wrong. — William Ritter

I guess I do tend to leave an impression." - Jackaby
"More like a smoldering crater." - Bertram
...
"You've done something with the front garden, haven't you?" - Jackaby
"Yes," said Spade. "We've let it grow back. — William Ritter

Right," I said. My ears were still ringing slightly. "Did you just wake me with a policemen's rattle? You can hear those things from two blocks away."
"A what? No, this is a grogger--it's an old Judaic instrument. It's used during Purim to make a deafening racket during special readings. Charming, isn't it? Marvelously raucous custom."
"Knocking gently also works."
"You have no appreciation for culture. — William Ritter

Mr. Jackaby, really! Jenny isn't some scientific oddity--she's your friend!"
Jackaby raised an eyebrow. "In point of fact, Miss Rook, she's both, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. All exceptional people are, by definition, exceptions to the norm. If we insist on being ordinary, we can never be truly extraordinary."
"That is a very well-rehearsed and eloquent excuse for being an absolute brute to a sad, sweet woman. — William Ritter

Well, if we didn't sail together, how did you ever - ah, you must have snuck a peek at my luggage labels." I tried to remain casual, but leaned away as the man drew closer still, inspecting me. The oak countertop dug into my back uncomfortably. He smelled faintly of cloves and cinnamon.
"I did nothing of the sort. That would be an impolite invasion of privacy," the man stated flatly as he picked a bit of lint from my sleeve, tasted it, and tucked it somewhere inside his baggy coat. — William Ritter

Pavel. The pale man. The vampire. We talked. He didn't murder me horribly, no thanks to you. You were chasing after children at the time. - Abigail, to Jackaby — William Ritter

DO NOT STARE AT THE FROG. — William Ritter

But you - you notice mailboxes and wastebaskets and... and people. One who can see the ordinary is extraordinary indeed, Abigail Rook. - Jackaby — William Ritter

Nellie Fuller was racing down the stairs as we returned to the hallway, nearly tripping over her tripod in her haste. "I heard a noise," she said. "Have I already missed all of the excitement?"
"Nothing of consequence," answered Jackaby. "Stay indoors, however, unless you're enthusiastic about the prospect of being eviscerated. — William Ritter

Maybe if you would bother reading a book once in a while instead of hurling them about every chance you get, you would have put the pieces together yourself by now — William Ritter

I whispered across the bars to Jackaby as I rose, "Shall I tell them the truth?"
"Have you killed anyone?" he asked, quietly.
"No, of course not!"
"Then I can't imagine why you shouldn't. — William Ritter

R.F. JACKABY
INVESTIGATIVE SERVICES
ASSISTANT WANTED
-$8 PER WEEK-
Must be literate and possess a keen intellect and open mind.
Strong stomach preferred.
Inquire at 926 Augur Lane.
Do not stare at the frog. — William Ritter

Oh good God! You stared at the frog, didn't you? — William Ritter

illusions, so many masks and facades. All the world's a stage, as they say, and I seem to have the only seat in the house with a view behind the curtain. — William Ritter

I quickly turned my thoughts away from my mother's overbearing prudence before I might accidentally see reason in it. — William Ritter

Sir? What are you doing?" I asked. "Investigating," Jackaby replied flatly. "Well, you can't just walk into someone's yard unannounced. Besides, doesn't investigating usually involve questioning people?" "I've nothing against people as a general rule, but people don't tend to have the sort of answers I'm looking for." The fence post just above Jackaby's head exploded in a spray of splinters with a resonating BLAM! A woman stood in the open doorway across from him, a plain white apron tied around her waist and a fat-barreled rifle in her hands. "Of course, people do have a way of surprising you from time to time," my employer added. The — William Ritter

It's not about the treasure - it's about the hunt. - Abigail — William Ritter

Jackaby hesitated, and when he spoke, his answer had a soft earnestness to it. "Hatun sees a different world than you or I, a far more frightening one, full of far more terrible dangers, and still she chooses to be the hero whom that world needs. She has saved this town and its people from countless monsters countless times. That the battles are usually in her head does not lessen the bravery of it. The hardest battles always are. — William Ritter

I might be better prepared to slay dragons, I decided, than to flirt with boys. — William Ritter

Is it...Richard Frederic?"
"No, and I am not going to--"
"Russell Francis?"
"No. You're being--"
"Rumpelstiltskin Finnegan?"
Jackaby sighed. "Yes, Miss Rook. Rumpelstiltskin. You've found me out. I am the devious imp of the fairy tales. — William Ritter

Did he orchestrate the reclusive redcap's rise to become a predator in public office? Plant the swarm of brownies on the mayor's lawn? Promote adoption of the Dewey decimal system in libraries across the continent? It's the not knowing I find most irksome." "The Dewey decimal system?" "It's gaining popularity. I don't trust it." "We'll — William Ritter

batch. They were stones. She's always doing that sort of thing. Protecting the city from the demons in her head. — William Ritter

And mostly I just want to be sure you don't come to me to discuss your romantic entanglements. I much prefer that you remain on comfortable terms with Miss Cavanaugh. Although, should she ever become unavailable," Jackaby said earnestly,"I want you to know"-he put a hand gently on my shoulder-"that Douglas is an excellent listener. — William Ritter

Detective work is neither a happy nor a satisfying business, Miss Rook," said Jackaby, settling in as the amber buildings sailed past our window. "Marlowe will understand." "I don't understand at all." Commissioner Marlowe kept his voice low and even as we sat across from him the following morning. — William Ritter

That the battles are usually in her head does not lessen the bravery of it. The hardest ones always are. — William Ritter

Oh no. He looks half-dead." Charlie's face paled as he eyed the trapper's wrist and the blood-soaked bandages.
"Indeed." Jackaby nodded. "And if we don't get him some proper attention soon, he'll be all dead. — William Ritter

It isn't every day you celebrate a successful solar revolution. — William Ritter

I've nothing against people as a general rule, but people don't tend to have the sort of answers I'm looking for." The fence post just above Jackaby's head exploded in a spray of splinters with a resonating BLAM! A woman stood in the open doorway across from him, a plain white apron tied around her waist and a fat-barreled rifle in her hands. "Of course, people do have a way of surprising you from time to time," my employer added. — William Ritter

This world is full of dragon-slayers. What we need are a few more people who aren't too proud to listen to a few fish. — William Ritter

The overall affect of the man was just a shade subtler than a sandwich board with the words BETTER THAN YOU written out in big block letters. — William Ritter

Commissioner Marlowe stood on the platform with his arms crossed as we disembarked. He had the cheerful demeanor of someone who has been beaten about the face all night with a sock full of porridge--only even more so than usual. — William Ritter

Excuse me! May I have your attention, please!" he called out, completely unnecessarily. Every eye was already on the mad detective, who was hunching slightly under the rearing hooves of the marble horse. "Yes, hello, everyone. Many of you know me, but if you have never had occasion to work with me-or to arrest me-my name is R.F.Jackaby. — William Ritter

If you're going to have guests," the ghost said with a sigh, "would it be so hard to give me a little advance warning?" Her eyes were dark with heavy lids. She had soft cheekbones and gentle features, framed neatly by twin locks of hair, which swept her cheeks on either side. The rest was tucked behind her ears and spilled down her back and shoulders in silvery waves, like a mercurial waterfall. She had a slim, spritely figure, and her movements were as smooth as smoke in a soft breeze. She placed the cup on the tray with a gentle clink, and drifted to a seat on the windowsill. Through her opaque figure, I could see the swaying branches of a weeping willow in the yard. "How — William Ritter

Hatun sees a different world than you or I, a far more frightening one, full of far more terrible dangers, and still she chooses to be the hero whom that world needs. She has saved this town and its people from countless monsters countless times. That the battles are usually in her head does not lessen the bravery of it. The hardest battles always are." We — William Ritter

I think you must be a bit confused," he said. "But don't feel bad - it's a common state. Most people are. — William Ritter

It's all about perspective, I suppose. As a rule, all of the various ogre breeds are on their best behavior here at the market." "This one looks as though he would like to break that rule." I swallowed. "He looks as though he would like to break it across my face. — William Ritter

Then again, if you opinions on women prevent me from carrying out my work, then I would be more than happy to suggest a place for you to stuff them... You're the bos... but YOU seem to be the brains. It's Abigail Rook, yes? Mind if I call you Abbie? Lovely. - Nellie — William Ritter

It is the ugliest aspect of human nature that we fear what is most different from ourselves with such violent contempt. — William Ritter

He's quite mad, you know. But adventure can be very appealing. — William Ritter

Happiness is bliss - but ignorance is anesthetic, and in the face of what's to come, that may be all we can hope for our ill-fated acquaintances. — William Ritter

The greatest figures in history are never the ones who avoid failure, but those who march chin-up through countless failures, one after the next, until they come upon the occasional victory. — William Ritter

I prefer to look after myself, ma'am, but thank you. I appreciate your concern for my well-being, but some of us have more pressing matters to attend to than practicing our curtsies and turning foolishly sized bonnets into topiaries. — William Ritter

Saint George's legend tells of the dangers of mythical creatures and the value of man asserting dominance over them. Manu's tale, quite conversely, stresses the value of mercy, coexistence, and peaceful symbiosis. [...] Marlowe is a good man, but he only knows how to slay dragons. The world is full of dragon-slayers. What we need are a few more people who aren't too proud to listen to a fish. — William Ritter

Don't feel too bad" I offered. "I met him face-to-face, and I missed it, too."
"Yes, but no one expected you to be clever Miss Rook."
"Thanks for that," I said — William Ritter

I know you might think it pointless, but I just wish I could fix it. It's bad enough to bungle things professionally and . . . well . . . romantically. It would be nice if I could at least get a friendship right. — William Ritter

Bertram!" Jackaby patted him on the arm affably as he bustled past him into the front hall. "It's been ages, how are the kids?" "I remain unmarried, Mr. Jackaby, and I'm afraid you can't be seen just now." "Nonsense. Miss Rook, can you see me?" "Certainly, sir." "Well, there you have it. You must have your eyes checked, Bertram. Now — William Ritter

The most recent gentleman has proven to be far more resilient and a great deal more helpful. He remains with me in a . . . different capacity."

"What capacity?"

Jackaby's step faltered, and he turned his head away slightly. His mumbled reply was nearly lost to the wind. "He is temporarily waterfowl. — William Ritter

I had heard of offices feeling like prisons, but in this case our prison felt, rather anticlimactically, like an office. — William Ritter

Miss Rook," he said, "the greatest figures in history are never the ones who avoid failure, but those who march chin-up through countless failures, one after the next, until they come upon the occasional victory." He put a hand on my shoulder. "Failure is not the opposite of success - it's a part of it. — William Ritter

There is something humbling about knowing that an entity capable of moving mountains and reshaping continents still takes the time to tend to the smallest patch of dirt. Little things matter. Footsteps matter. — William Ritter