T.J. Klune Quotes & Sayings

Sad fags are boring fags. — T.J. Klune

Now people are so concerned with virtue and innocence that they are blinded to the fact that when people get together, sex happens. We are held by societal standards that the body needs to be covered up and that we need to speak in prim and proper tones and words. Why, back in my day, clothing was optional! If you didn't want to wear trousers, you didn't have to! It was okay to go out and for everyone to see your( ... )dedication to freeing your spirit from the confines of rigid morals and ethics that had no bearing on who we were as individuals and as a whole. — T.J. Klune

You'll have to warn them," Mrs. Von Patterson said seriously. "When you go in there. Tell them this town is filled with cougars on the prowl. But that it's definitely okay to feed the wild animals." All three women curled their hands into claws, baring their teeth and hissing at him. "Bad touch," Gus cried, trying to back away as they reached for him. "Bad touch! — T.J. Klune

That's a federal crime," I told him. "Punishable by three to five years in a minimum-security prison. You'll get passed around like condiments at a barbeque." "My hole is already quivering," he said. — T.J. Klune

You don't ever doubt me again," he said hoarsely before his mouth grazed my nipples, first the left and then the right. His scruffy beard scraped the skin beneath raw as he went back and forth. "I will fucking kill you if you ever doubt me again!" he snarled.
My eyes rolled back into their sockets at the weight of his words, the desperation in his voice matching the desperation in my movements. I moaned as he bit my nipple harder, almost chewing it between his teeth. I was trapped underneath him, and even though I knew I could push him away, I also knew I wouldn't.
"You answer me when I'm talking to you! " he roared.
"I won't," I breathed, my hands in his short hair. "Oh, God, I won't."
"You won't what! "
"I will never doubt you again!"
"You're damn right you won't. — T.J. Klune

How would it feel to live a full life and have no one remember it, to have no one remember the extraordinary things you accomplished, even if it was just waking up every day and finding the courage to get out of bed? — T.J. Klune

'I'll sit on him,' Otis says and laughs like it's the funniest thing in the world. He twirls a small ball of fire in one hand and a Desert Eagle .50 Caliber in the other. If Seven didn't know him, he'd probably be running away as fast as he could. It's a big gun. — T.J. Klune

I bet he wants to solve Ryan's riddle," Mary said. "And then he probably wants to riddle his Ryan. — T.J. Klune

He tethered me to him, my magnetic north, while my mind went here or there. I always knew. Somehow I always knew. — T.J. Klune

Life is all about chances. It's all about these little moments that add up to greatness. And there are times when you have to grab greatness by the balls and say, 'Hey! Greatness! I've got your nuts and you can't do a single godsdamn thing about it! — T.J. Klune

I can't do this anymore, I think, my own voice almost lost in the storm. I can't do this anymore. I can't face this on my own. I am drowning in this river and I am haunted in this house my father built and my mind is breaking. — T.J. Klune

If we wanted to hear from someone, we wrote a letter and got a response in three months. That was considered fast. Now, everyone is all about now, now, now. — T.J. Klune

I don't want to know when you've been tied up in the fun way, I told him. — T.J. Klune

And I'm a Foxy Lady," Tina said. "Because of reasons." She stared at his chest. Everyone understood her reasons. Even me. — T.J. Klune

'After what happened to the Toyota, Seven says you aren't allowed to drive a vehicle again worth more than fifteen grand.'
'What!' the Clock Twins said, sounding shocked.
'Billy! How are we supposed to pick up chicks in a crapmobile?' Tock groaned. — T.J. Klune

Gary, why Sam sweating?"
"Well you see, my dear Tiggy. When a boy loves another boy very much, it makes him awkward
and have feelings in his penis and mmmphh!"
"Sam, why you use magic and glue Gary's mouth shut?"
"Is that what that was? Gosh! I just thought I was singing to myself!"
"MMMMPH! — T.J. Klune

It's always the ones who are the quietest who often have the greatest things to say. — T.J. Klune

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. I gave you catharsis last night. Twice. — T.J. Klune

What, the glass is half-full instead of half-empty? Bullshit. What they don't tell you is that regardless of how full the glass is, it's filled with acid, and you'll burn your face off. — T.J. Klune

I fell in love with Ryan, you got jealous, then I fell out of love with him because he seemed needy, you tied me up, I got half a chubby because it reminded me of Octavio, and now you have a date with Ryan. Oops. I mean Todd. Gosh, I'm beat. What a long night. — T.J. Klune

If God is real, I think he might be some kind of masochist. I imagine he sits there up on his cloud, long white robes flowing, drinking a forty of Mickey's and smoking a Winston as he flips me the bird and plans what he'll do next to piss me off. — T.J. Klune

WE GOT to my work, and I let the Kid go with a list while I went to the office to check the schedule for the coming week. I was off tomorrow and didnt have to be in till the afternoon of the day after. That was good. It either left me with enough time to grovel on my knees for forgiveness from Otter, which would hopefully lead to me needing to be on my knees for other reasons, or it would give me enough time to find the nearest bridge to jump off of when he rejected me. — T.J. Klune

You can be the queen," I allowed. "Just don't tell Gary I said that. Friendships have ended for a lot less than that. — T.J. Klune

Ox," he said, a hint of his wolf poking through, eyes flashing. "Anything you'd like to tell me?" "No," I said quickly. "Absolutely not." "You sure about that?" he asked, his grip on my elbow tightening. I just barely managed to pull my arm free. "I'm hungry," I said, voice rough. "We should - " "Sure," he said. "Let's go." I blinked. He smiled at me. My heart stuttered a bit. The smile widened. No — T.J. Klune

One thing that they don't tell you is that fires can't burn bright forever. — T.J. Klune

A travesty of epic proportions," Tock agreed. "How much you wanna bet they couldn't even turn the computer on? — T.J. Klune

I've raised you to be honest and kind. I've raised you to be brave and strong. If you become the man I think you'll be, then you and me will always be eye to eye. — T.J. Klune

I'm not going to do anything about it," I said. "He's young. He's going to college. He's going to have a life. He's my friend, and that's - " Carter snorted. "Yeah, good luck with that, Oxnard. Trust me. When Joe catches wind about this - and he will - you aren't going to stand a chance." "He won't," I said, determined. "And you won't say a goddamn thing." He grinned at me. CARTER — T.J. Klune

The second message is one that I have saved for weeks. It's Otter, and he simply says, I love you. — T.J. Klune

Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up. - Tom Stoppard — T.J. Klune

A simple hello could lead to a million things. "Yeah," Gus said. "Like herpes or getting fisted. — T.J. Klune

I'll never understand why people just won't let others be who they are. It's not like it's affecting them in any way — T.J. Klune

United States of America? More like United States of Extraordinary Injustice Against Certain Segments of the Population All Because Rednecks Are Scared of Butt Sex. — T.J. Klune

I wonder now, with everything said and done, if things would have been different had I remembered what the Tree had told me. Would I have made the same decisions, the same mistakes? Where would I be, had I remembered? Had I listened? I have learned in my short time here on this world that we as humans are all capable of a great many things, our minds able to process so much. Too much, really.
But our greatest curse, our greatest folly, if you will, is our ability of hindsight.
Of regret.
Oh, Seven. How I wish I would have known. — T.J. Klune

Ryan shrugged. "You're adorable. With your angry glitter." And Gary blushed. His whole face. Never before in the strange and sordid history of our super-best friendship had I ever seen him blush. — T.J. Klune

You follow your heart because one day, it'll lead you home. — T.J. Klune

Gary looked back at Lartin and sized him up. Then he did that thing that I swear only unicorns can do. His blue eyes got impossibly big. His eyelashes lengthened as he fluttered them at Lartin. His mane was luminous in the darkened cave, and he purred, Well aren't you precious. — T.J. Klune

I seem to suffer from a very serious condition called obliviousness by proximity. It causes screaming and the occasional uncontrollable need to stomp stupid wizards for being stupid. — T.J. Klune

Felix's beauty devastates him, annihilates every fiber of his being, and the voices shout in his head, they sing to him until he thinks his head will split. — T.J. Klune

If you're responsible enough to become a parent, then you should be responsible enough to accept your kid no matter how they turn out. It doesn't matter if they're disabled or gay or not as smart as others or green or black or blue or whatever the hell they turn out to be. You have them, you love them. Always. Being a parent isn't about getting to pick and choose what you want you kid to be. Being a parent means protecting your kid from anything that could ever harm him. Being a parent means you shelter, but you also make them stronger so one day they can stand on their own. — T.J. Klune

Wait until you meet the therapist.
That bad?
Let's just say i can't believe he's a real person.
Like Santa Claus?
More like if Santa Claus and Ron Jeremy had a child and then that child had a child with Richard Simmons.
So, like a leprechaun?
Yes, Otter, exactly like a leprechaun.
I'm going to tell him I believe in Santa Claus, just to see what happens.
I dare you. — T.J. Klune

Joe sang the loudest of all. He said, you belong to me. — T.J. Klune

I just want to be wherever you are. — T.J. Klune

I just like looking at nice things. And want to touch them with my mouth. — T.J. Klune

You've broken my heart, but it was mine to give. — T.J. Klune

Lady Tina DeSilva. The president of the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter. And my most mortal of enemies. "Oh look, everyone. Mervin has arrived and he brought the muffins. If past experiences have any prescience as to what we can expect, then they're sure to be as dry as his conversational skills." She was also sixteen years old. And evil. — T.J. Klune

Gus hated feeling anxious. He also hated warm ketchup, loud people, sunburns, parallel parking, jams and jellies, Instagram, Sarah McLachlan's SPCA commercials, rubber glue, Michael Bay's DVD commentaries, Michael Bay's films, Michael Bay, and that weird feeling that tattooed, bearded hipster caused in the pit of his stomach that felt like he had tripped down a flight of stairs into a frozen lake that got lit on fire. — T.J. Klune

It's the hipsters," David said. "It's retro. They need a place to convene and argue whether Holden Caulfield was deep or just a spoiled brat. — T.J. Klune

Because you're worried, Bear. And it makes me nervous. You know when you worry, I worry. It's just something we do. — T.J. Klune

He shrugged. "Yeah, but I like riding my bike. It helps with the ozone ... and stuff." "You're trying to avoid leaving a carbon footprint? And here I thoughtbicycles were just for tree-hugging hippie heterosexuals." He eyed me seriously. "We all have to do our part to help avoid nocturnal emissions. The planet needs us." I stared at him. "The planet needs us to avoid nocturnal emissions?" He nodded. "Nocturnal emissions are the number one cause for the hole in the ozone. — T.J. Klune

You have pajamas with a dead Palestinian leader's face on them."
"I am aware," Gus said, trying not to fidget as Casey essentially stared at his crotch. "They're my Yasser Arapants."
Casey choked.
Gus waited.
"Oh my fucking god," Casey mumbled to himself. "You're like ... just ... like, this person. — T.J. Klune

Derrick?
I look back in the rearview mirror and see my little brother, Tyson, staring back at me with an expression on his face that I can't quite identify. Usually, he reserves calling me Derrick for when he is about to ask something serious, like if there is a planet of cows that have farms that milk people, then slaughter them for their tasty cutlets, or why mom left and didn't come back. He asks a lot of questions. — T.J. Klune

I couldn't even begin to guess how old he was. Maybe thirty. Or three hundred. When you're eleven, anyone older is just old. — T.J. Klune

"I don't know if I could deal with a two-armed kid, and now I have to have a kid with only one arm because he wanted to try and feed the gorilla cotton candy? I didn't even want this, but then we're sitting at a restaurant minding our own business when this little boy walks by wearing little checkered Vans, and he was walking and singing a song and dancing. He was dancing and all of a sudden I turned to Otter and DEMANDED he put a baby in me. But I'm a guy, and he's a guy and that's biologically impossible ... " — T.J. Klune

It's funny, really: the older you get, the more you know about the world. The synapses in your brain fire at a higher level and quicker function, your knowledge expands. But you lose part of yourself, that part able to imagine great armies that wait for nothing more than your command; the dragon that hides under your bed that only you can see, its long emerald tail flashing in the darkness; the ghost that lives in your attic that only moans at 3:23 in the morning. When you lose that innocence, the world's hues become dark and muted, and you know that dragons aren't real. There is no army. There is no ghost in the attic. But when you're nine? When you're nine, it's all probable, it's all realistic, and even more so, it's all true. — T.J. Klune

He has wet dreams and moans dirty things about chest hair."
"That was one time." Okay, more like six times. — T.J. Klune

But Bear said I shouldn't talk to strangers because they would be scared of me. I always thought I was supposed to be afraid of them, but Bear said I would just end up talking them to death and that any nefarious purpose they might have had would become moot.
When Bear McKenna accuses you of talking too much, you know you have a problem — T.J. Klune

'The image of you putting a condom on a banana to teach me about gay sex is forever ingrained in my head.'
'Well, a good father teaches his son about the facts of life.'
'You didn't have to put the banana in your mouth,' I reminded him.
He grinned without looking up. 'Bet that kept you from performing fellatio for quite a while.'
'Longer than you'll know.' — T.J. Klune

Okay, okay. So. First things first. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Second thing: I should probably say "thank you" for saving my life. Say it and then follow it up with something funny like ... okay. Spinach joke. Spinach joke. Shit. Um ... Oh, I know! What do anal sex and spinach have in common? If you're forced to have either as a child, you won't want it as an adult. Holy fucking Christ. What the fuck is wrong with me? There is no way I can make a spinach/molesting joke! I am a monster. Think of something else. Think of anything else! — T.J. Klune

NIGHT, I dreamt of him. He was waiting for me on the dirt road, the sun filtering through the leaves, little splashes of light on the ground like puddles of rippling water. He smiled so brightly as I reached my hand for his, our fingers curling together like they always had. We walked slowly toward the house at the end of the lane. We didn't speak. We didn't have to. It was enough just to be. ROBBIE — T.J. Klune

I'm sorry. Were you just speaking to me? I apologize most profusely. I was distracted by the size of the sweat stains under your arms. Are you overly warm today? It seems unlikely given the cold, dead heart that surely beats in your chest. — T.J. Klune

Dammit. I hate it when my crazy is right. — T.J. Klune

Okay, time in. I can yell at whoever I want!"
"You really can't," Gary said. "It's unattractive on you. Some people pull off the angry look. You're not one of them. — T.J. Klune

Monsters are real. Magic is real. The world is a dark and frightening place and it's all real. — T.J. Klune

'There are enough people out there that will be more than willing to knock you down. There's no reason for you to do it to yourself.' — T.J. Klune

Otter! Otter! Otter!
Don't lead cows to slaughter!
I love you, and I know
I should've told you soon-a
But you didn't buy the dolphin-safe tuna! — T.J. Klune

Once something is shattered, it can never be put back together in its original shape. Undoubtedly some pieces are lost or fit into incorrect places. The whole will never be as strong as it was once before. — T.J. Klune

If the inspirational calendar had been a person, Gus would have punched it in the face. — T.J. Klune

Please let it be known that from this day forward my working title for the business is now 'Queen of the Fuck Palace! — T.J. Klune

He put his finger guns away. He should not be allowed to carry weapons of mass humiliation. — T.J. Klune

I googled "what to do when your future werewolf mate/boyfriend/best friend courts you and brings you a dead rabbit." First, there was a lot of porn. Then I found a recipe for Maltese rabbit stew. It was delicious. The stew, not the porn. The porn was weird. GORDO — T.J. Klune

There is beauty in the written word, — T.J. Klune

Ix-nay!" I hissed at him. "Ix-nay!" I didn't know why I resorted to Pig Latin right then. It just seemed like the thing to do. — T.J. Klune

More Latin? I was going to need a fucking guidebook to keep track of a language I thought was as dead as my mother. — T.J. Klune

Me and Seven, I thought as I arched my back. Me and Seven, that's all there is. That's all there needs to be. He kissed me sweetly as his hips rolled forward, and his breath became fire in my mouth. — T.J. Klune

Minutes later I am discovering what it's like to be driven by a woman who thinks the world will end if she doesn't keep the gas pedal firmly against the floor and that apparently there's no such thing as the "Oh My Fuck God" handle bar for me to hang onto in an early-eighties Caddy that's the color of shit. Mrs. — T.J. Klune

He sighs and bows his head, burying his face in his hands. I touch his hair. His ears. Bear may be my rock, but Dom is the force that moves me. — T.J. Klune

You guys look like you liked Mumford & Sons before everyone else did and now don't like them because everyone else does. — T.J. Klune

Gus screamed, the notecards falling out of his hand as he jumped. "Whoa," Bernice said. "That certainly was high-pitched for a man." "Gus is special that way," Betty said as she scooped up the cards off the counter. — T.J. Klune

Fifteen-year-old Sam had seen twenty-year-old Ryan for the first time and had immediately run upstairs and jerked off. It had been a revolutionary and enlightening experience that essentially answered the question that yes, I was indeed very, very gay. — T.J. Klune

You went full-on bitchy and made a dramatic exit?" He sounded way too gleeful over my histrionics. "I have taught you well, my young apprentice. — T.J. Klune

. "How soon was it, anyways?"
"What?" I know what shes asking, and I attempt to stall.
"That you fucked him. How soon was it after we broke up?" Her eyes narrow. "Or were we still together?" she scowls through gritted teeth.
"Does it matter?"
"Yes."
"Right after."
"I hope it was worth it," she snarls.
I look her in the eye. "It was. — T.J. Klune

After all, one does not scream at lesbians in Doc Martens unless one wants to receive a penis kicking. — T.J. Klune

Bear? What am I?" I sigh. "My brother." He cocks an eyebrow. "My big brother." "Damn right. And what do my parents have in abundance?" "A tolerance for someone like you?" He glares at me. I sigh again. "Disposable income." "And who just made a big speech about family and love and other gay things?" Goddammit. "Me. — T.J. Klune

Because I can tell. He looks like your type too."
"Is he hot?"
"I wouldn't fuck him," Jase confided.
"Well, at least we know he doesn't have boobs, then. — T.J. Klune

Sometimes I wonder if you should be on medication," Charlie said. "It can't be healthy to have you thinking all by yourself without some kind of pharmaceutical intervention. — T.J. Klune

I glanced back at my merry little band of travelers. A hornless gay unicorn. A half-giant. A knight who was a jerk but that I wanted to have for breakfast. — T.J. Klune

Then it hit me and I grinned at him. "You want to suck my dick!"
His face grew redder. "You don't have to say it like that," he grumbled.
I almost felt contrite. "I'm sorry. How about you want to make love to my member with your oral cavity? Or how about you want to fellate me until I let loose my love juice? Is that better? — T.J. Klune

Carter said, "You drenched yourself in the worst-smelling thing you could find so you could cover up the smell of your boner." "Stop saying boner!" He waggled his eyebrows at me. I glared at him. He said, "It's about time." And so I said, "What?" He squinted at me. "You and Joe." "What about me and Joe?" "Seriously. That's what you're going with." It was either that or have a panic attack. "Yes," I said. "That's what I'm going with." "It's okay," he said. "You're allowed to have a boner for my seventeen-year-old brother." I — T.J. Klune

Anyway," I said loudly. "Are we good? Did the Priest give us enough hoodoo so we can get the fu - fudge out? Sorry, Father."
"It's okay," the priest assured me. "I'm pretty sure your soul is already doomed. — T.J. Klune

I MADE Gordo drop the wards around the house and the Bennetts came over for dinner at our house one Sunday. At first, he refused. "It's not safe." I said, "I belong to a pack of overprotective werewolves who live next door. I'm pretty sure I couldn't be safer." "Christ, — T.J. Klune

Sometimes I think I like you," Gus said. "And then you talk or breathe or exist and I'm not so sure. — T.J. Klune

'Es cor meum,' he murmured, his eyes dancing over my face.
Though I'd never heard the phrase, I responded: 'Ut tu meus.' As you are mine. — T.J. Klune

I thought the whole point of having a gay brother was that they were supposed to be all cool and shit. I've got a defective gay. — T.J. Klune

Then it was just the two of us. Me and Captain Hetero of the Straight Brigade. — T.J. Klune

He snorted into his radicchio, which I admired because it was a pretty purple. The radicchio was purple, not his snort. Just in case you got confused there. I don't think it's possible for people to snort colors. We're not unicorns, after all. — T.J. Klune

He's on money though, right?" Creed asks. "Yeah, he is. How'd he do that if he wasn't president?" "He probably had a big dick." I grin. "Like the bigger it was, the higher the bill you would be on or something?" "Yeah. Poor George," Creed says, laughing. "Of course, I would be on the million-dollar bill. — T.J. Klune

There's too many other people in the world who want nothing more than to kick you when you're down. Don't you dare do that job for them. — T.J. Klune

You can't own what belongs to the world. — T.J. Klune

It's not like I tease people with the things I'm doing," the Kid continues. He deepens his voice. "Coming soon, I may or may not go outside. What will I choose? Find out ... in another month. — T.J. Klune