Rory Miller Quotes & Sayings

Bad bosses chew-out in public for the purpose of showing their dominance). — Rory Miller

If I label someone as "bad," I know my own meaning: he will hurt someone to get what he wants. If I use "evil" it means he will hurt someone even when he doesn't want anything. — Rory Miller

A common romantic script is the rescue. One person has a horrible past of abuse and betrayal and latches on to a romantic partner who wants to be the hero and protect her from all badness. The protection from harm quickly becomes a protection from consequences. The rescued princess uses the relationship as a safe environment where growth and becoming strong are not necessary. The relationship quickly becomes co-dependent. The victim cannot survive on her own, and the rescuer gets his identity from shielding her from the world. — Rory Miller

Know this: Your own brain will lie to you. It will backstab and sabotage you to prevent ANY change. — Rory Miller

Better to avoid than run, better to run than de-escalcate, better to de-escalate than fight, better to fight than die. — Rory Miller

It is better to avoid than to run, better to run than to de-escalate, better to de-escalate than to fight, better to fight than to die. — Rory Miller

No matter what any bleeding-heart tells you, 3% of the people in the world are scum. The trouble is, if you spent 80% of your time with that 3%, you start thinking that 80% of the world is scum. — Rory Miller

When I tell someone that the most important thing a young woman can do to avoid being raped is to avoid places with lots of young men (and if you absolutely have to go to those place, don't drink) the dumb responses range from: 'Girls have a right to have fun' to 'You're just blaming the victim' all the way up to the ludicrous, 'A woman should be able to walk naked into a biker bar and not be bothered.' These are political ideals. They might even be the way the world should work. They are not the way the world actually works. The responsibility for self-protection has to rest with the potential victim because the potential rapist has no interest whatsoever in her safety or rights. The potential victim is the one who cares. — Rory Miller

It's often been said, "Violence never solved anything." The simple truth is that when you are slammed up against the wall and the knife is at your throat, when a circle of teenagers is kicking you as you curl into a ball on the sidewalk, or when the man walks into your office building or school with a pair of guns and starts shooting, only violence, or the reasonable threat of violence, is going to save your life. In the extreme moment, only force can stop force. — Rory Miller

being meek and silent prevents social violence. The message is, "I am not challenging you, I will do nothing bad, you do whatever you want and I will stay out of your way." This is exactly what a predator is looking — Rory Miller

The only defense against evil, violent people is good people who are more skilled at violence. — Rory Miller

social violence. The message is, "I am not challenging you, I will do nothing bad, you do whatever you want and I will stay out of your way." This is exactly what a predator is looking for. — Rory Miller

It is much easier and safer to scare someone into submission than to beat them into submission. — Rory Miller

The dream is damned and dreamer too if dreaming's all that dreamers do. — Rory Miller

To manage fear you only need to believe you can do things.
To manage danger you must be able to do things. — Rory Miller

Usually scripts are beneficial, or at least harmless. The constant daily drone of small talk, the ritual greetings, even venting anger or complaining about politics or foreign affairs that we have no direct knowledge of, are all comforting. It's the soothing background noise of a group without a pending crisis. — Rory Miller

In a thousand years or ten thousand, no one would remember my nation. It, too, would share in oblivion and prove to not matter, to never have mattered.
The same for my species, and the earth, the universe, and God. When the last star winks out, none of it will have mattered - and it ten billion years, I will still be nothing - and equal to God.
That was the first stage in my enlightenment: to understand that nothing matters. Hence, everything is equal. — Rory Miller

it is difficult to solve a problem that you are almost entirely ignorant about. You cannot work for peace while ignoring violence any more than a doctor can create treatments while refusing to study disease. — Rory Miller

And in some environments, talking like an overly-educated, holier-than-thou reformer is an automatic hook. Don't get any tribal feelings about that description, either. The most sanctimonious holier-than-thou people I know are progressive social activists, not religious zealots. (Ooooh. Look at all the labeling in that sentence!) — Rory Miller

Develop the habit of doing unpleasant things quickly and without hesitation. If you are going to jump in the cold water, jump in the cold water. If you need to get up, get your ass out of bed. Do the dishes that need doing. Finish the hard jobs at work while everyone else is coming up with excuses to get out of them. — Rory Miller

Here's a rule of life: You don't get to pick what bad things happen to you — Rory Miller

Why is a caterpillar wrapped in silk while it changes into a butterfly? So the other caterpillars can't hear the screams. Change hurts — Rory Miller

It's better to avoid than to run; better to run than to de-escalate; better to de-escalate than to fight; better to fight than to die. The very essence of self-defense is a thin list of things that might get you out alive when you are already screwed. — Rory Miller

Read DeBecker's book. — Rory Miller

No intelligent man has ever lost a fight to someone who said 'I'm gonna kick your ass'. — Rory Miller