Michael Thomas Ford Quotes & Sayings

If your mother likes your drawing of a duck and hangs it on the refrigerator, that doesn't mean it's good."
"Snob," Sam said. — Michael Thomas Ford

When The Journal of Words compiled its list of the one hundred best novels written in English, do you know that Pride and Prejudice was number twelve?" She stopped pacing and glared at Jane. "And do you know where Jane Eyre was?" she asked. She looked at the four of them in turn, but nobody answered her. "Number fifty-two!" she shrieked. "Fifty-two! Below that pornographic travesty Lolita!" She spat the title as if it were poison. "Below Huckleberry Finn! Below Ulysses. Have you ever tried to read Ulysses? Have you ever finished it? No, you haven't. No one has. They just carry it around and lie about having read it. — Michael Thomas Ford

I'm still kind of a mess. But I think we all are. No one's got it all together. I don't think you ever do get it totally together. Probably if you did manage to do it you'd spontaneously combust. I think that's a law of nature. If you ever manage to become perfect, you have to die instantly before you ruin things for everyone else. — Michael Thomas Ford

When did being single become a disease? — Michael Thomas Ford

I keep feeling like everyone wants me to apologize for something. — Michael Thomas Ford

So now I'm thinking about it. I'm imagining sitting down with my parents and actually saying, "I'm gay." And you know what? It makes me a little mad. I mean, straight guys don't have to sit their parents down and tell them they like girls. — Michael Thomas Ford

And it's not like I've never jacked off. I'm fifteen years old. Of course I do it. Any guy who says he doesn't is lying. That would be like having the coolest video game ever and never playing it. No one's that stupid. — Michael Thomas Ford

I thought you said you were okay with turning forty. — Michael Thomas Ford

I've been thinking about that ever since. Am I lucky? Am I lucky that I didn't die? Am I lucky that, compared to the other kids here, my life doesn't seem so bad? Maybe I am, but I have to say, I don't feel lucky. For one thing, I'm stuck in this pit. And just because your life isn't as awful as someone else's, that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. You can't compare how you feel to the way other people feel. It just doesn't work. What might look like the perfect life - or even an okay life - to you might not be so okay for the person living it. — Michael Thomas Ford

Like I said, some people think it's weird that my best friend is a girl. Sometimes I think it's weird, too. Mostly people assume that we're boyfriend and girlfriend, which I guess we could be. But that just seems too teen-movie, if you know what I mean. A boy and girl are best friends, neither of them dates anyone else, and then one night they look at each other and - bang - they realize they've been in love with each other the whole time. Everyone's happy and they go to the big dance together. — Michael Thomas Ford

And just because your life isn't as awful as someone else's, that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. You can't compare how you feel to the way other people feel. It just doesn't work. What might look like the perfect life - or even an okay life - to you might not be so okay for the person living it. God, — Michael Thomas Ford

Only of course they bleeped out the good part because it's daytime TV, and we all know that no one in America swears. — Michael Thomas Ford

If they had a pill that would fix every dysfunctional family in the world, don't you think they'd be selling it?"
"I don't think the world is ready for that kind of happiness. — Michael Thomas Ford

Then he asked me which one I thought was most likely to happen. I wish I knew. I really do. But I don't. You'd think that after living with these people for fifteen years I'd know a little something about them. But right now I feel like I don't know my parents at all. I guess
when you get down to it, I've never really thought about them as people. They've always been my parents. Now I have to think about them as people with feelings. What a pain.
The funny thing is, I bet they feel the same way. — Michael Thomas Ford

And anyway, the truth isn't all that great. I mean, what's the truth? Planes falling out of the sky. Buses blowing up and ripping little kids into millions of pieces. Twelve-year-olds raping people and then shooting them in the head so they can't tell. I can't watch the news anymore or look at the papers. It's like whoever sits up there in Heaven has this big bag of really crappy stuff, and once or twice a day she or he reaches in and sprinkles a little bit of it over the world and makes everything crazy, like fairy dust that's past its expiration date. — Michael Thomas Ford

I asked her, 'Did you like Sadie?'
Juliet put down the book she was reading. 'I liked her the way you like a hurt dog,' she said.
'What do you mean?' I asked her.
'You feel sorry for it, and you want to help it, but you're not sure it won't bite you when you're not looking,' Juliet said. — Michael Thomas Ford

Most religions are concerned about what happens when you die, about going somewhere better than here as a reward for faithful service or whatever you want to call it. Paganism teaches that being here is the reward, and that we need to make the most of it and leave the world a better place. — Michael Thomas Ford

The whiskey was a good start. I got the idea from Dylan Thomas. He's this poet who drank twenty-one straight whiskeys at the White Horse Tavern in New York and then died on the spot from alcohol poisoning. I've always wanted to hear the bartender's side of the story. What was it like watching this guy drink himself out of here? How did it feel handing him number twenty-one and watching his face crumple up before the fall of the stool? And did he already have number twenty-two poured, waiting for this big fat tip, and then have to drink it himself after whoever came took the body away? — Michael Thomas Ford

Seven little crazy kids chopping up sticks;
One burnt her daddy up and then there were six.
Six little crazy kids playing with a hive;
One tattooed himself to death and then there were five.
Five little crazy kids on a cellar door;
One went all schizo and then there were four.
Four little crazy kids going out to sea;
One wouldn't say a word and then there were three.
Three little crazy kids walking to the zoo;
One jerked himself too much and then there were two.
Two little crazy kids sitting in the sun;
One a took a bunch of pills and then there was one.
One little crazy kid left all alone;
He went and slit his wrists, and then there were none. — Michael Thomas Ford

He said that I have to remember that even though I've changed a lot in here, I'm going back to a world that hasn't changed — Michael Thomas Ford

In my opinion any activity during which you can enjoy a beverage is not a sport. It is a party. — Michael Thomas Ford

I've heard it argued that men aren't physically wired to be with only one person. We have a built-in biological need to scatter our seed as far and as wide as possible. Something about survival of our gene strain. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, they say, you just can't help yourself. Perhaps not. If left to my own devices, though, I'd also eat Ben & Jerry's brownie batter ice cream until I weighed six hundred pounds, but somehow I manage to stop myself when my pants start to get a little tight around the middle. But to each his own. And if you're going to do something that might piss off your partner, you might as well have science on your side. — Michael Thomas Ford

People always say they want to hear the truth, but they really don't — Michael Thomas Ford

I guess I've learned that no matter how bad things get, there are always people who love you. — Michael Thomas Ford

That's why teenage dating is so dumb, because it's doomed to fail. You'd think people would have learned that by now, but I guess they haven't. They go right on falling in love and thinking it's going to survive high school. — Michael Thomas Ford

Do you know what it's like to have everyone expect you to be the best at something? — Michael Thomas Ford

I'm gay," I said, not sure how else to say it.
"You're fifteen," she said. "You can't be gay. — Michael Thomas Ford

No one in France cares if you tried to kill yourself. In fact, I think they like you better because you're all tragic. — Michael Thomas Ford

No one ever tells you that when your heart breaks, you can feel it. But you can. It feels like something has crumbled inside you and the pieces are falling into your stomach. It hurts more than any punch ever could. You stop breathing, and for a while you can't remember how. When you finally do, it feels like your throat has closed up, like you're trying to suck air through a straw. — Michael Thomas Ford

How do you really know if anyone loves you? — Michael Thomas Ford

Let me tell something, seeing your name and psychiatric ward on the same piece of paper isn't the best way to start your day. — Michael Thomas Ford

Given a choice between discussing the symbolism of a pig head on a stick and discussing my feelings, I'll take the pig head every time. — Michael Thomas Ford

I read once that a third of all gay kids try to kill themselves. They say it's because being gay is so hard in this world. They say that we won't stop trying to kill ourselves until more people understand us, and until we live in a world where it's okay for a guy to love another guy. That's probably true. But there will never be a world where it's okay to fall in love with your best friend's boyfriend. — Michael Thomas Ford

Faith, he had learned that night in front of the flickering television, was most glorious when it was most untouched by reason. — Michael Thomas Ford

Trust me no matter how horrible you feel or how bad things seem, there is always a way out. Suicide is never your only option. — Michael Thomas Ford

I knew people were talking, but I wasn't listening. I wasn't interested in anything anyone had to say. — Michael Thomas Ford

That's what people do. Kill the things they're afraid of. — Michael Thomas Ford

Boney the snowman, was a crazy, whacked-out guy, with tattooed skin and a goofy grin, and he liked to get real high. There must have been some acid in the soda that he had, 'cause when he went and drank it, it screwed him up real bad. He led them to the psycho ward, right to the dear old doc. And when they asked him what was wrong he told them 'suck my cock. — Michael Thomas Ford

People who look down on us poor country folk usually won't admit that anything worthwhile can come out of here. — Michael Thomas Ford

And did you know that Valentine's Day originally started when this emperor like a million years ago made marriage illegal because he thought it made soldiers weak? This priest - Valentine - married people in secret anyway, and he ended up having his head cut off because of it. So the first Valentine was some guy's head. There's some history for you.
It's sort of perfect, when you think about it. Isn't falling in love a lot like losing your head? — Michael Thomas Ford

People still think what you look like is who you are. — Michael Thomas Ford

One of the best T-shirts I ever saw,said: i was happy once,but i'm better now. — Michael Thomas Ford

But think about it: Right from the start the odds are against you. It's kind of amazing that any of us ever get here at all. — Michael Thomas Ford

She laughed. "Welcome to Camp Meds," She said. "Where the campers are crazy and the counselors want you to take drugs. — Michael Thomas Ford

It was odd
unsettling, actually
how love magnified everything. Small joy was turned into overwhelming happiness; worry became heart-stopping fear. It was as if love became a magnifying glass turned on the heart, taking whatever was there and making it appear many times its normal size. — Michael Thomas Ford

That sounds so weird: "kill yourself." It makes it sound like you tried to murder someone, only that someone is you. But killing someone is wrong, and I don't think suicide is. It's my life, right? I should be able to end it if I want to. I don't think it's a sin. — Michael Thomas Ford

I mean, how do you know if people are good for you or not? It's not like they come with an FDA approved sticker or anything. — Michael Thomas Ford

I swear, sometimes it feels like there's this monkey in my head who runs around turning the dials and changing channels on me. One minute I'm sitting around eating chocolate chip cookies and then all of a sudden I'm thinking about bears. — Michael Thomas Ford

Now I just have these reddish scars there. I guess I always will, although Goody says they'll fade over time. I don't know if I want them to fade. That probably sounds totally freaky, but part of me doesn't want to forget what it felt like, even though it hurt. If I forget about the pain, I might also forget that it was a really stupid idea to do it in the first place. — Michael Thomas Ford

Once you realise there's nothing to be afraid of when you die, there's nothing else to worry about. — Michael Thomas Ford

I think I'm in love," he said after swallowing. "I could marry that pie."
"According to the anti-gay crowd, that'll be next," said Nan. "Pies and sheep. — Michael Thomas Ford

I mean, sure this guy is a little nuts. You have to spend your whole life following bears around. But I get it, too. When he was with the bears, they didn't care that he was kind of weird, or that he'd gotten trouble for drinking too much and using drugs. They didn't ask him a bunch of stupid questions about how he felt, or why he did what he did. They just let them be who he was. — Michael Thomas Ford

I know all about dreams that make you want to scream. — Michael Thomas Ford

I don't know why anyone wants to get married," said Burke. "I think the whole thing was cooked up by lawyers so they can get rich off of divorce. — Michael Thomas Ford

He had never been a religious person. Even as a child he had found the notion of an omnipotent creator who punished his crations inconsistently for minor infractions of a vaguely defined moral code to be unthinkable to anyone with an ounce of sense. — Michael Thomas Ford

He lifted his shirt, and on his back was the White Rabbit, wearing his waistcoat and looking at his watch. It was just like the illustration from the book. Only standing next to him, back-to-back, was another White Rabbit wearing a leather motercycle jacket and boots and smoking a cigar. — Michael Thomas Ford

you either are or aren't — Michael Thomas Ford

I realized that all those superheroes were doing was fighting themselves, and that getting to breathe underwater or shoot fire from your fingers didn't really make up for being screwed up in the first place. It was just the consolation prize
you got the great costume and the invisible jet for being a loser in everything else. — Michael Thomas Ford

I have to keep her in line somehow or she'll think she's the boss of everything. — Michael Thomas Ford

Why is it that you have to warn people about who you are? — Michael Thomas Ford

There's not much point to being alive if you don't do what you can to make life better for someone else, is there? — Michael Thomas Ford

I believe that God - if he exists at all - is what we want him to be. The true God is unknowable, and so we dress him up in costumes that make him visible to us. Then we come up with a lot of very silly rules that we attribute to him and tell everyone if they don't follow those rules, they can't be part of the gang. — Michael Thomas Ford

I loved Jerry, and I wanted to have his baby." She laughed. "This was before women started looking at their vaginas in hand mirrors and Gloria Steinem told us we could be more than just mothers. — Michael Thomas Ford

I didn't ask to be saved — Michael Thomas Ford

The worst part is, you know they're not going to be together forever. I mean, come on, she's fifteen. Okay, sixteen. Still. It's not like they're going to get married or anything. Even if they last a couple of years which they won't she'll go to one college and he'll go to another, and pretty soon they'll forget all about each other. That's what always happens. That's why teenage dating is so dumb, because it's doomed to fail. You'd think people would have learned that by now, but I guess they haven't. They go right on falling in love and thinking it's going to survive high school. Allie and Burke, true love always. Whatever.
Anyway, happy birthday, Allie. I hope it was a good one. — Michael Thomas Ford

If I were a girl, I'd be sucking every cock I could get my mouth on," Will said. "Fuck, I'd take on the whole football team at one time."
Burke ran his hand through Will's hair. "Careful," he said. "You don't want to get a reputation as a bad girl. No one will marry you, then. — Michael Thomas Ford

I'm not even sure I want kids, by the way, even if I'm not the one who has to be pregnant. It seems too risky. I mean, what if you end up with a kid that's just plain bad? Or stupid? It's not like you can give it away or put it in a garage sale or something. You're pretty much stuck with it for a long time.
I know now they have all these tests they can do so you can find out if your kid has three arms or is retarded or whatever, but you can't test for everything. You can't test for crazy, for example, or for bad taste in music and clothes and stuff. You can't know if your kid is going to be someone you would actually want to have hanging around. You just have to take your chances. That seems like a pretty big gamble to me. — Michael Thomas Ford

By the time we were done I was exhausted. I don't know how movie stars do the same scene over and over like that. It takes a lot out of you. — Michael Thomas Ford

Byron clapped Walter on the back. 'Good work,' he said.
Walter shook his head. 'You're the one who clocked her with the Stephen King hardcover. That took some of the wind out of her.'
'Thank heavens he's a wordy man,' said Byron. — Michael Thomas Ford

It will go away ... The stuff in your head. Little by little. — Michael Thomas Ford

I'm not sure what a good person is, exactly. On the one hand, it could be someone who always play by the rules. But someone can follow the rules and still be a real jerk, you know? In fact, some of the biggest idiots I know are people who follow the rules, usually because they make you feel like crap when you don't. — Michael Thomas Ford

I'm tired of people thinking they're doing me favours. — Michael Thomas Ford

He's afraid they'll tell their kids to stay away from him and cross the street when they see him. "Don't talk to the crazy man, honey. He might bite you."
Coming from someone covered in tattoos, this seemed a little strange. I mean, you can see tattoos. You can't see crazy. If I was him, I'd be more worried about people thinking he was in a gang or something. — Michael Thomas Ford

Sometimes seeing the changes in one another had the opposite effect and actually comforted them. Seeing that they weren't alone in growing older, they stopped caring, or at least caring so much. But often this seemed to be accompanied by a kind of neutering, a gradual disappearance of anything remotely resembling sexuality, until finally the men in question were more like kindly old aunties than men who liked to fuck other men. — Michael Thomas Ford

Who uses crunchy peanut butter?" he asked the room. "You might as well eat squirrel shit. — Michael Thomas Ford

It's a really crappy feeling to realize that your entire outook on your life can be controlled by some little pill that looks like a Pez, and that some weird combination of drugs can make your brain think it's on a holiday somewhere really sweet when you're standing naked in the middle of the school cafeteria while everyone takes pictures of you. Metaphorically. Or whatever. — Michael Thomas Ford

When she saw me, my mother stood up and started to come toward me, but then stopped. I think maybe Cat Poop had told her not to make any sudden movements because they might scare me, like I'm a wild animal or something, because she kept looking at him and then at me. Finally she just said, "Hello, Jeff," and sat down again next to my father. — Michael Thomas Ford

How come someone always saves the people who try to kill themselves and then makes them tell everyone how sorry they are for ruining their evening? I keep feeling like everyone wants me to apologize for something. but I'm not going to. I don't have anything to apologize for. They're the ones who screwed everything up. Not me.
I didn't ask to be saved. — Michael Thomas Ford

That sounds weird: "kill yourself." It makes it sound like you tried to murder someone, only that someone is you. — Michael Thomas Ford

This is the part where they try to make you remember," said Sadie. She looked at my wrists. "Is it working?" Without realizing it, I'd pushed one sleeve of my pajamas up and was rubbing the gauze that circled my wrist. I stopped, and let the sleeve fall back where it was. — Michael Thomas Ford

It's a plant." Burke's father stared at the laptop's screen, peering over his glasses at the photos as Burke brought them up.
"It's not just a plant, Ed," Lucy said, looking at Burke and shaking her head. "It's about the feeling of the image."
Burke's father snorted. "Well, it feels like a plant." He turned to his son. "I'm not saying it's not pretty. But it's a plant. — Michael Thomas Ford

To be fair he is Lord Byron," Jane said. "I don't know many people who haven't slept with him at one time or another."
Jane Fairfax — Michael Thomas Ford

Sometimes I think there's someone up there just sitting around thinking of ways to make me look like a complete moron. Seriously, I bet there's an angel - or, more likely, a demon - assigned just to me. And every day it gets up and asks itself what it can do to ruin my life. Well, today it got an A plus. — Michael Thomas Ford

Here's what I think. One, people should figure out that if they go around bothering bears, chances are they're going to end up bear snacks. Second, people suck. — Michael Thomas Ford

One of the great lies we tell ourselves is that just because we're related to people, we have to like them. — Michael Thomas Ford

But he'd never been in love. He knew that was what he was really asking himself. He'd never given himself to someone else completely. He'd always held something back, even if he hadn't known that he was doing it. He'd reserved the deepest part of him, the part that truly was him, because he'd feared that once he gave it away he would never get it back. — Michael Thomas Ford

One time Allie and I skipped school and went to see this foreign film called Los Diablos, where these villagers found a glowing blue ball and peeled pieces off of it to see what was inside. Only the ball was really radioactive, and they all died from the poison. I think that's what happens when you look too deep inside for the truth. The poison comes out, and you die, even though you have beautiful glowing pieces of blue truth in your fingers. — Michael Thomas Ford

I love that word. Gaydar. So clever."
"I'm afraid mine is broken," Burke said. "It never occurred to me that you were gay."
"It's because I'm teeming with masculinity," Gaither joked. — Michael Thomas Ford

When people hurt us, the best thing to do isn't to ask why they did it but to remind ourselves that it wasn't our fault. — Michael Thomas Ford