Lois Greiman Quotes & Sayings

Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well. — Lois Greiman

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good. — Lois Greiman

There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers. — Lois Greiman

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet — Lois Greiman

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing. — Lois Greiman

Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid. — Lois Greiman

When blondes have more fun, do they know it? — Lois Greiman

Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death. — Lois Greiman

Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt. — Lois Greiman

You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart. — Lois Greiman

I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear. — Lois Greiman

If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed. — Lois Greiman

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court. — Lois Greiman

In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses. — Lois Greiman

Marriage: just say no. — Lois Greiman

A guy's got to get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father. — Lois Greiman

Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's. — Lois Greiman

Solberg; nature's greatest argument against cloning. — Lois Greiman

You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach. — Lois Greiman

I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot. — Lois Greiman

If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift. — Lois Greiman

Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway? — Lois Greiman

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts. — Lois Greiman

You don't need to be smarter; you just need dumber friends. — Lois Greiman

A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul. — Lois Greiman

Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops. — Lois Greiman

There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate. — Lois Greiman

Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either. — Lois Greiman

Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster. — Lois Greiman

Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same. — Lois Greiman

It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood. — Lois Greiman

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head. — Lois Greiman

Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing. — Lois Greiman

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting. — Lois Greiman

It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while. — Lois Greiman

A wedding is no way to begin a marriage. — Lois Greiman

The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments. — Lois Greiman

Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment. — Lois Greiman

If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does? — Lois Greiman

All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge. — Lois Greiman

False hope is better than no hope at all. — Lois Greiman

It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with. — Lois Greiman

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards. — Lois Greiman

Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air. — Lois Greiman

If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it — Lois Greiman

Tequila--a sure cure for monogamy. — Lois Greiman

There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste. — Lois Greiman

There isn't much a pan of warm Brownies and a glass of milk will fix. In less it's low grain prices. Or poverty. Or the national debt. I guess there are a few things, but nothing you have to worry about right this minute. — Lois Greiman

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties. — Lois Greiman

A person without regrets is called a corpse. — Lois Greiman

Friends disregard your failures and endure your successes. — Lois Greiman

Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts. — Lois Greiman

Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after. — Lois Greiman

Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ. — Lois Greiman

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore. — Lois Greiman

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life. — Lois Greiman

If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong. — Lois Greiman

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree. — Lois Greiman

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine. — Lois Greiman

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever. — Lois Greiman

Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers. — Lois Greiman

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair. — Lois Greiman

I don't care what Cosmo says about exercise improving sex. Some things aren't worth the cost. — Lois Greiman

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect. — Lois Greiman

Not surprisingly, the kitchen was the most interesting, but only because I discovered a package of Oreos in the cupboard. — Lois Greiman

Sometimes stupid is crime enough. — Lois Greiman

Love is like skydiving without a parachute. — Lois Greiman

Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes. — Lois Greiman

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated. — Lois Greiman

Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously. — Lois Greiman

Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance. — Lois Greiman

Apparently it takes, like, forty-seven muscles to frown. Flippin' the bird' s a hell of a lot easier. — Lois Greiman

You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you. — Lois Greiman

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet. — Lois Greiman

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10. — Lois Greiman

Excrement happens. — Lois Greiman

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind. — Lois Greiman

He's just a flash in the pants. — Lois Greiman

Maybe there's no such thing as happily ever after. Maybe okay for now is the best you get. — Lois Greiman

Expect stupid. It's everywhere. — Lois Greiman

Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage. — Lois Greiman

Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass. — Lois Greiman

You can't choose your family. Can't shoot 'em either. — Lois Greiman

I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam. — Lois Greiman

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too. — Lois Greiman

There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders. — Lois Greiman

What if there's no such thing as PMS and this is just my personality? — Lois Greiman

Tact is for people with too much damned time on their hands. — Lois Greiman

Celibacy sucks, no pun intended. — Lois Greiman

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end. — Lois Greiman

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice. — Lois Greiman

There is no surer road to perdition than the ledger glands dictate your direction. — Lois Greiman

I froze like a startled bunny. Fumbling the disk into my purse, I cut my eyes toward the hallway.

Had I locked the front door?

Of course I had. Only a moron would break into someone's house and forget to lock the door.

Damn it! I'd forgotten to lock the door. — Lois Greiman

He looked from His heavens and saw it was good, the toes and the crows all looked like they should. The bunny was quick, the finch bright as a daisy, the owl flew at night, and the tortoise was lazy. — Lois Greiman

I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms. — Lois Greiman

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train. — Lois Greiman

Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies. — Lois Greiman

No civilized being lived in North Dakota. — Lois Greiman

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air. — Lois Greiman

There is none so troubled as one who thinks himself perfectly sane. — Lois Greiman