Lewis Black Quotes & Sayings

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road. — Lewis Black

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise. — Lewis Black

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child. — Lewis Black

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular. — Lewis Black

Now I must leave you as you enter the world that is Fuck. You are fucking lucky to be here. It's almost utopian. — Lewis Black

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should. — Lewis Black

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents
doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem ... — Lewis Black

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. — Lewis Black

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable. — Lewis Black

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group. — Lewis Black

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine. — Lewis Black

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy. — Lewis Black

The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." These people have nothing, so you have to share. — Lewis Black

My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions.It's really cool. — Lewis Black

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. — Lewis Black

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work. — Lewis Black

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding. — Lewis Black

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None. — Lewis Black

I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. — Lewis Black

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness. — Lewis Black

The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a '2' in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, 'I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!' Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars! — Lewis Black

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas. — Lewis Black

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. — Lewis Black

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school. — Lewis Black

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff. — Lewis Black

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning. — Lewis Black

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win. — Lewis Black

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell. — Lewis Black

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. — Lewis Black

Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, Fossil. And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads. — Lewis Black

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row. — Lewis Black

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. — Lewis Black

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does ... it's illegal. — Lewis Black

The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.' — Lewis Black

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are ... and when I find you I am going to kill you. — Lewis Black

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN! — Lewis Black

I really wanted to talk about the War on Terror and say that both sides were completely incompetent [in addressing it]. You can't blame the other side when you're involved in it. — Lewis Black

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster. — Lewis Black

Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. It's momentum, and once you get the momentum going, that's great, but it's a brutal experience in many, many ways. And when you're done, people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this! — Lewis Black

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. — Lewis Black

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass. — Lewis Black

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo. — Lewis Black

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream. — Lewis Black

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting. — Lewis Black

Sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers — Lewis Black

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' — Lewis Black

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK! — Lewis Black

Political audiences are not fun. — Lewis Black

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars. — Lewis Black

A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that. — Lewis Black

They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter. — Lewis Black

Equestrian, by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians. — Lewis Black

It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. — Lewis Black

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math! — Lewis Black

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps. — Lewis Black

I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever. — Lewis Black

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka. — Lewis Black

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy. — Lewis Black

I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror. — Lewis Black

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.' — Lewis Black

Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pagans,' which is a motorcycle group. Feminists; he brought up feminists. [ ... ] And I couldn't believe it, he said that God had actually talked to him and said, these were the people. That was the reason. It was those people, and that was the reason God allowed this to happen. And I thought, 'That's odd.' Because God had called me twelve hours before, and He said the reason He was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell. — Lewis Black

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. — Lewis Black

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe. — Lewis Black

Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials. — Lewis Black

No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life. — Lewis Black

It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks? — Lewis Black

If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college. — Lewis Black

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." ... Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect! — Lewis Black

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think. — Lewis Black

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer. — Lewis Black

If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself. — Lewis Black

Everybody's family has different values. — Lewis Black

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan. — Lewis Black

We have fossils ... We win! — Lewis Black

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. — Lewis Black

One of the most important things, especially when you're leaving school, is to realize you're going to be dealing with a lot of idiots. And a lot of those idiots are in charge of things, so if you're in an interview and you really want to tell the person off, don't do it. — Lewis Black

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it! — Lewis Black

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo. — Lewis Black

I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year. — Lewis Black

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . )
< . — Lewis Black

I think inevitably over the course of my lifetime there's been an underestimation of the American people, and I believe they are really the ones that give me hope. There's so much of "they don't know this, and they don't know that," and they're always denigrating. — Lewis Black

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance. — Lewis Black

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week. — Lewis Black

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again." — Lewis Black

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy. — Lewis Black

On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes. — Lewis Black

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. — Lewis Black

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless. — Lewis Black

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute. — Lewis Black

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee. — Lewis Black

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough. — Lewis Black

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler. — Lewis Black

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas. — Lewis Black

The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either. — Lewis Black

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. — Lewis Black

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots. — Lewis Black

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. — Lewis Black

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. — Lewis Black

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe. — Lewis Black

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker. — Lewis Black