Larry David Quotes & Sayings

If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not? — Larry David

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally. — Larry David

Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me. — Larry David

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian. — Larry David

I couldn't walk up to a woman at a bar and say hello. — Larry David

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it. — Larry David

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life. — Larry David

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people. — Larry David

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it. — Larry David

I have no secrets. — Larry David

I believe in something. — Larry David

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver. — Larry David

Zero, zero belief in myself. And it's changed somewhat, but there's still a lot of that in me. — Larry David

I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic. — Larry David

I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. — Larry David

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious. — Larry David

Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on! — Larry David

I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul. — Larry David

I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore. — Larry David

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny. — Larry David

It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time. — Larry David

Larry: i don't really get this fascination that people have with the ocean
Cheryl: no?
Larry: i dunno. i mean i stare at it for ten minutes and i go okay i get it
Cheryl: don't you feel calmer?
Larry: i feel aggravated that i am missing what other people are getting. — Larry David

OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy. — Larry David

You know, when you do standup there are certain requirements that you have to do like you have to go on stage and when you get introduced you have to say "Hey,how ya doin'? How are ya?" I couldn't do it. It was false. — Larry David

I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big. — Larry David

There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny. — Larry David

Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good. — Larry David

I'm a walking, talking enigma. — Larry David

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. — Larry David

I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it. — Larry David

She was breaking the rules! She wasn't following the rules of society ... The unwritten rules that we have as we go about our day. Like at night, you tiptoe, that's an unwritten rule, you tiptoe, so you don't wake people up, there's no sign 'TIPTOE', you just have to be smart enough and considerate enough to do it. — Larry David

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid. — Larry David

At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me. — Larry David

You can't do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare. — Larry David

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course — Larry David

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all. — Larry David

The temperature in that hangar would sometimes get down to 40 degrees, and very often I had to put on long underwear, which was so restrictive I suffered from an acute vascular disorder for days afterward. — Larry David

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently. — Larry David

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab. — Larry David

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation. — Larry David

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away. — Larry David

I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it. — Larry David

I once stopped to pick up a girl, and then there was this creepy-looking guy standing behind the bushes waiting to jump out and get in, too. So I just quickly drove away. — Larry David

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year. — Larry David

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them. — Larry David

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me. — Larry David

I can't stand reading anything that I've said. — Larry David

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China? — Larry David

Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for. — Larry David

I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed. — Larry David

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. — Larry David

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis. — Larry David

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often. — Larry David

I wasn't making fun of my father in-law's religion. And even if I was so what, it's a comedy. Religion should be made fun of, it's quite ridiculous isn't it. Think how people spend their lives, they have no idea. They go around as if this is a fact. It's so insane you know. If I really believed that stuff I'd keep it to myself. Lest somebody think I was out of my mind. — Larry David

I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted. — Larry David

There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable! — Larry David

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair ... Change my name, just see what happens. — Larry David

I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people. — Larry David

The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature. — Larry David

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas. — Larry David

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate. — Larry David

The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore. — Larry David

I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry. — Larry David

I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me. — Larry David

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation. — Larry David

I've always loathed rich people, so I've become who I've loathed, which makes it doubly difficult, if you can follow me. — Larry David

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide. — Larry David

I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after. — Larry David

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that. — Larry David

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married! — Larry David

I just feed off the energy of the audience. — Larry David

I think Michael Moore is a hero. — Larry David

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh. — Larry David

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. — Larry David

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days. — Larry David

I don't like to make a big splash anyway. — Larry David

There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out. — Larry David

You know, I'm really not that bright. — Larry David

I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties. — Larry David

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure. — Larry David

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn't need therapy. — Larry David

Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base. — Larry David

Golf and dating don't mix. — Larry David

I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. — Larry David

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes. — Larry David

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough. — Larry David

I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am. — Larry David

Hitler really ruined that mustache for everybody. It's really an interesting mustache, but now, no one can wear it. — Larry David

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.' — Larry David

Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised. — Larry David

I am not honest. — Larry David

I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for
twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up jokes for ... well let's say
a few dollars more. — Larry David

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless. — Larry David

Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself. — Larry David

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.' — Larry David

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish. — Larry David

All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it. — Larry David

It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically. — Larry David

My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time. — Larry David

Women love a self-confident bald man. — Larry David