Kristen Schaal Quotes & Sayings

I'm not really a control person, and I'm a big believer in collaboration. I like to have a friend. — Kristen Schaal

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in. — Kristen Schaal

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it. — Kristen Schaal

Are you related to Criss Angel? Because you look like an angel. — Kristen Schaal

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies. — Kristen Schaal

My parents are pretty religious, devout, but did they force it on me? No, I don't think so. I still think of myself as a Lutheran, just one who doesn't go to church. — Kristen Schaal

I thought I would either be an epidemiologist or a 'Price Is Right' model. — Kristen Schaal

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want ... — Kristen Schaal

In high school, I was doing a skit for forensics and people started laughing, more than I was prepared to deal with. It was a surprise. — Kristen Schaal

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. — Kristen Schaal

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility! — Kristen Schaal

I would be an actress for the rest of my life just because it's really relaxing. Writing is hard work, and stand-up is so stressful before you get on stage, but acting is a complete ensemble experience. — Kristen Schaal

Animals in general have sparked a weird depression in me, because as much as I tried, I couldn't layer a personality over them. You know what I mean? I would stare at the cows, and I would sing to the cows, and they would always just look at me blankly. — Kristen Schaal

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can. — Kristen Schaal

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist. — Kristen Schaal

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners ... — Kristen Schaal

The more women sit down and write something in a woman's voice for a woman, they more you'll see women in comedy because gender doesn't define sense of humor. Imagination and intelligence and perspective do. — Kristen Schaal

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on. — Kristen Schaal

I think it's great training for any comedian to start on cows. Because with cows, you expect them to be bored and just stare at you blankly. And that's exactly what you'll get at a comedy club. If you can toughen up with a cow audience, then you'll never be worried with a human audience. — Kristen Schaal

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground. — Kristen Schaal

You go from nobody looking at you to people taking second looks. I remember really loving it - and then feeling so guilty for loving it. Like, 'That's gross, Kristen.' Also, telling myself it could go away at any moment, and I'd be so sad. — Kristen Schaal

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life. — Kristen Schaal

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe. — Kristen Schaal

I never really saw myself as a standup comedian. I always just thought of myself as someone who used the eight minutes or 10 minutes she was allotted and had a blast. — Kristen Schaal

Bad improv happens with people who are inexperienced with each other and don't know the craft that well. But bad stand-up is something that could happen to someone at any level in their career. — Kristen Schaal

I think growing up on a farm in a certain amount of isolation, with not a lot of friends nearby, makes you entertain yourself and kind of grows your imagination - being alone is quite good for all that. You make up stories, talk to the animals, let them be an audience, a bunch of cows. — Kristen Schaal

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move. — Kristen Schaal

Sometimes I try to sell shows with a female lead to networks, and that isn't something that's been a proven formula for them, so they reject it. I do feel like men get the funniest roles in movies. — Kristen Schaal

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart. — Kristen Schaal

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently? — Kristen Schaal

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go. — Kristen Schaal

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else. — Kristen Schaal

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world! — Kristen Schaal

I would never bring a kid to a comedy show myself, but I have noticed that I can't stop other people from bringing their kids. — Kristen Schaal

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her. — Kristen Schaal

'Rock of Love' with Bret Michaels was fun. He's a lovable guy. — Kristen Schaal

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather. — Kristen Schaal

I used to go to open mics in New York when I was starting out, and it was mostly just people who wanted an audience to look at them for eight minutes on a stage. — Kristen Schaal

My sensibilities are like, 'I want it to be weirder.' — Kristen Schaal

My style can't be held within a pixel medium. Like, it needs to be performed in a living, breathing space. People need to have all their senses ready to take on my comedy, and unfortunately, TV alienates at least their sense of touch, taste, smell. — Kristen Schaal

I don't enjoy reality television at all. I have to say that I get it, though. I watch some of it, and I understand why people enjoy it. — Kristen Schaal

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally ... erotically caressing each other ... on the hood of a car ... or the back of a movie theater ... — Kristen Schaal

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like. — Kristen Schaal

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome. — Kristen Schaal

I love the idea that I have the power to look for the projects I can put myself into, but I'm still at that level of just being happy to have a job. — Kristen Schaal

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths. — Kristen Schaal

In the U.K., there's absolutely no money for television. So you can do pretty much whatever you want. They're not losing money on any of the shows, so they'll give you a lot of creative freedom. In the United States, there are millions and millions of dollars at stake, so they need a sure formula. — Kristen Schaal

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you. — Kristen Schaal

Being a correspondent on 'The Daily Show' is some combination of doing a character and doing stand-up. It's a juggling act to find a balance between being you and playing a role. — Kristen Schaal

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost. — Kristen Schaal

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty. — Kristen Schaal

It's not hard to be a woman in comedy as long as you're also a writer. You have to create your opportunity. — Kristen Schaal

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm ... I'm hungry actually. — Kristen Schaal

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well ... she's got eyes. — Kristen Schaal

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.' — Kristen Schaal

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid. — Kristen Schaal

I definitely do weird things every show. — Kristen Schaal

I would love for people to know that the label 'feminist' is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women. — Kristen Schaal

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up. — Kristen Schaal

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free. — Kristen Schaal

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys? — Kristen Schaal

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me. — Kristen Schaal

I loved 'Burning Love,' and I really do love almost everything Paul Scheer touches. — Kristen Schaal

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot ... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome. — Kristen Schaal

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes. — Kristen Schaal

I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can. 'Flight Of The Conchords' was so wonderful because I had a family for two years. — Kristen Schaal

I've been lucky. The projects I've gotten to work on are projects I'd want to watch myself. That's what I try to shoot for. — Kristen Schaal

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies. — Kristen Schaal

I probably shouldn't say this about all animals, but at least the farm animals that I've hung out with, and even when I go to the zoo usually, they're like a blank slate. I guess that's why I like them. They're puppets, and you can imagine them being anything you want. — Kristen Schaal

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground. — Kristen Schaal