Kevin Hearne Quotes & Sayings

A man's supposed to shit himself after he dies, son, not before. — Kevin Hearne

Oh noes, kitteh haz major angriez!" I said. I turned around to share a laugh with my companions and found them glaring at me. "What?" I asked.
Leif shook a finger and said in a low, menacing tone, "If you tell me I have to talk like an illiterate halfwit to fit into this society, I will punch you."
"And I'll pull out your goatee," Gunnar added.
"Lolcat iz new happeh wai 2 talk," I explained to them. "U doan haz 2 be kitteh 2 speek it. — Kevin Hearne

Sophie Betsuie lost her composure and returned to the hogan, crying. She was beating herself up with a club made out of the words if only, and I knew what it felt like. If only I hadn't done this. If only someone else hadn't done that. I hoped she would learn sooner, rather than later, that you can't unchoose anyone's choices, least of all your own. All you can do with your past is try to grow out of it. — Kevin Hearne

You know how people are always threatenin' to shove this or that up someone's ass, but they never really do it? Well, now there's a new story gonna be told 'round the fire: 'How Coyote Shoved An Arrow Up A Fallen Angel's Ass. — Kevin Hearne

Depression is a prison to which you have the key except you never think to look for it. — Kevin Hearne

You are telling me that your lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire? — Kevin Hearne

On a Creep Scale from Hello Kitty to Cthulhu, I award it a Freddy
Krueger.
Granuaile MacTiernan — Kevin Hearne

I promptly forgot about him and prepared a blend of Creativi-Tea, since I had some fantasy role-players coming in for their weekly dungeon crawl, and the DM always wanted a little something extra to keep him on top of his players. — Kevin Hearne

Aw, no. You're taking us to that vegetarian place,
aren't you?
It's a coffee place. You can't just automatically classify anything that isn't a steak house as vegetarian.
Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert their own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient facts as mere opinions. — Kevin Hearne

Thunder gods don't hide."
The Russian shrugged. "I am not like Thor. I have Russian depth of character. And I like to help people, not hurt them. Usually I help with vodka. You want some? — Kevin Hearne

That would be me," I said. "Good afternoon, gentlemen. Is this a joke?" "I beg your pardon?" the older fellow inquired politely, a faint smile on his narrow face. He sounded like an English butler. "You know, a tall priest and a short rabbi walk into a pagan bookstore ... " "What?" He looked down at his companion, seeming to realize for the first time that he was quite a bit shorter and in fact of a different religious order than he. "Oh, gracious, I suppose it must seem amusing at that." He didn't seem amused, though. — Kevin Hearne

Revenge and rational thought never sleep together. — Kevin Hearne

When a soul turns as black as Black World, these old spirits find them a comfortin' touch of home, and if they're called to move in, they will. That's what a skinwalker is: a mean asshole with a meaner spirit squatting inside. Oberon said. — Kevin Hearne

Fucking H!" the vampire shouted, shaking his free left fist. He enunciated the g very clearly and projected his voice from his diaphragm, like a trained opera singer. "It's fuckin' A, not H, but yeah, Leif, go ahead, let's throw down." Leif paused and frowned. "Do you not mean we should throw up?" "No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet." "Ohhhh," he said. "I thought you were speaking literally. — Kevin Hearne

My God, Atticus, you look like you had an orgy with egg yolks and orange juice." "We might need a loofah," I admitted. "Dare I ask what happened?" "An Olympian exploded on us and it was yucky. — Kevin Hearne

What does one do when one needs to pray to the gods for patience but a god is causing the need for patience? — Kevin Hearne

Tell her I am Peace Dawg but I think her cats are closely allied with The Man.
I'm going to stick it to them. — Kevin Hearne

I'm not a proper anything. Majoring in philosophy kind of turns positive assertions into maybes. — Kevin Hearne

Great. What if she decides to kill me?" "That will test our bargain quite severely," the Morrigan replied with a smirk. "Morrigan?" "Relax. We have a bargain. But have the good grace to pretend to be dead if she decides to kill you." "What if she decides to set me on fire and watch me burn?" "Then that's going to hurt. Scream all you want, but turn it off at some point and she'll figure you for dead. — Kevin Hearne

It's all Irish politics."
Hal looked at me sharply and shook a finger in my face. "That's bloody dangerous, getting involved in that. You be careful."
I gaped at Hal. "I can't believe you just said that to me."
"What?" Hal protested, shrugging his shoulders and looking aggrieved.
"I called to ask Gunnar for help with the Bacchants yesterday and he shut me down. No well-wishing, no pleas to be careful, nothing. So now we're dealing with the aftermath of what happens when I try to go it alone, , and you tell me to be careful about Irish politics?"
"Well, I know precisely where Gunnar's coming from. It's not our job to keep the magical peace."
"Neither is it mine."
— Kevin Hearne

Sweet Honey of Dagda, now I was babbling. — Kevin Hearne

Well o' course she's feelin' dandy! She's the mother o' God for the love o' Pete! — Kevin Hearne

Atticus:"Damn it, Jim, I'm a Druid not a Physicist! — Kevin Hearne

Sensei?" she asked. "Yes?" "Why are you always leaving about halfway through a workout to give Oberon a snack?" "What? Well, he's a good dog." "Granted, but he's a good dog all the time, and the only times you interrupt what you're doing to give him a snack are during workouts." "I reward him sometimes for using big words. And sometimes I reward him for shutting up." Now would be a good time to shut up. Deal. "So what did he say just now?" Granuaile asked. "I'm sorry, but that's classified information. — Kevin Hearne

I find the college children delightful. I would like to have a drink with them too." "No, Leif, you want to drink of them, and they can sense that subconsciously because you radiate this predatory aura. — Kevin Hearne

She didn't go all fangirl on anyone, but I suspect that's only because none of them bore the slightest resemblance to Nathan Fillion. — Kevin Hearne

Chased by Polish curses that seemed to Doppler-shift bizarrely into "Never Gonna Give You Up," and after I thought of it I couldn't believe I'd just rickrolled myself. — Kevin Hearne

I could only strive to live so that my merit outweighed my discredit. — Kevin Hearne

Careful with that ego, you could knock somebody over. Atticus — Kevin Hearne

I wanted to say, "I'm the Doctor and this is my companion," but I doubted Sophie was a fan of the long-running BBC series. Forget the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver, the Doctor's best gadget was the psychic paper. I can't tell you how many times I wished I had some. — Kevin Hearne

I can't spend too much time in the forests because I invariably leave traces-ridiculously happy trees, basically, since I'm the last Druid in the world and they tend to geek out like Joss Whedon fans when I show up. — Kevin Hearne

But in doing so
moving forward ...
he's still dealing with the past. It's always strung out behind us, innit, attached to our arses like a roll of toilet paper we trail out of the bathroom, pointing the way to the giant shite we just took. It doesn't matter if we flushed it down; Everyone still knows what we did there. So its fine to say it's all done and you have no connection with the past, that you're a new person every second, but silly in my view to pretend that person isn't made of the old one. — Kevin Hearne

Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me. — Kevin Hearne

The sun cannot shine as bright without a proper darkness to counter it.
The world had gone a bit gray. — Kevin Hearne

No matter how old I get, I keep running into people who are smarter, nobler, and kinder. I really ought to start listening to them and telling my pride to shut up. I had gods tell me not to go to Asgard. I had witches tell me not to go to Flagstaff. You told me this plan wouldn't work. But I barreled ahead anyway for my own reasons. I still have plenty of growing to do. — Kevin Hearne

I just shook hands with a naked goddess. What was that she called you? She-ya-han? Does that mean dumbass in Old Irish or something? — Kevin Hearne

Anyone who's ever tried to tangle with a teddy bear cholla knows there's a whole lot more bear than teddy to it. — Kevin Hearne

Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass. — Kevin Hearne

That wasn't English she was speaking: it was the language of diplomacy. — Kevin Hearne

Winning ugly is still winning. — Kevin Hearne

Out, out, thou strumpet Fortune!" I cried with all the venom of Charlton Heston.
Oberon asked.
"It's a Shakespearean word for whore."
<"Cool word! It rhymes with trumpet. And pump it. Why didn't the Black Eyed Peas use it in their song? Aren't rappers always looking for cool new rhymes? They should kick it old school with the Bard.> — Kevin Hearne

But greatness is in the act of creation and not necessarily in the finished product. Creating is the yin to the yang of our consumption and the doorway to beauty that we all want to walk through. Creating is how I tell the world I love it. I — Kevin Hearne

An elderly diner from a neighboring table had been dying for an excuse to stare at the exotic woman with rubies around her neck, and now Laksha had provided her one by laughing so loudly. She noticed the woman's stare and waggled her finger between us and explained, "We were just talking about goatfucking." The woman's eyes bulged in shock - and so did those of her dinner companions - but rather than scold Laksha for being so rude, they hastily returned to attacking their enchiladas with their dentures, eyes studiously contemplating plates of melted cheese and red sauce. — Kevin Hearne

My neighbor raised a shaking index finger to point at the saguaro. "That moving cactus ... and the big bug ... and you, you spooky bastard. What are you?
I stuffed my hands in my pockets and grinned winningly at him. "Why, I'm the Antichrist, of course. — Kevin Hearne

You said he was shot by his own clone troopers?" "That was what his recording said. We, of course, had no way to confirm it. Asking the local garrison of troopers if someone may have shot a Rodian Jedi Knight offplanet would attract the wrong sort of attention. But it's stunning in its implications, isn't it? Looked at in that light, it might have been the Jedi who were betrayed, not the Emperor." Not — Kevin Hearne

I don't think there is one. We had our priorities straight. — Kevin Hearne

When in a fight for your life, you never, ever fight fairly. Honor and sportsmanship are wonderful in games that don't matter, but it's the honorable guys who always die in real battles. "When there's blood involved," I'd told her, "you always use every advantage you have to make sure it's theirs that spills and not yours. If you want to feel guilty about taking unfair advantage afterward, you go ahead and feel that shit. But live to feel it." In — Kevin Hearne

People today think ancient Egypt was ineffably cool. I blame this misconception on hieroglyphics and (to a lesser extent) on the Bangles. — Kevin Hearne

Sometimes you simply need to say thank you to someone, to be grateful for the road behind and the road ahead and the place you're at, and gods are very good at accepting those feelings. And for all that humanity asks them for intercession with this crisis or that, it's important when things go well to be thankful or at least conscious of your good fortune, whether the gods deserve the gratitude or not. We strive so much to achieve these small slivers of balance that it would be a shame not to look around and appreciate them when they happen. — Kevin Hearne

King Arthur's story was pulled almost entirely out of Geoffrey of Monmouth's ass. There were about six hundred fifty years separating the events themselves and the first written account of them that survived to the modern day. Plenty of time to screw everything up and fabricate large portions of it. What — Kevin Hearne

Other people in my life right now, who help me forget all the other people I have buried or lost: They are truly magic for me. — Kevin Hearne

Druid log July 15: Dark elves are not only quick and efficient killers, but creative and pyrotechnically inclined ones. — Kevin Hearne

There are only three things you can do when something falls from the sky,' my archdruid used to say. 'Get out of the way, get underneath some shelter, or give it some reason to change its mind about falling on you.' Then he threw a pissed-off rooster at me. — Kevin Hearne

It shall be called the Triple Nonfat Double Bacon Five-Cheese Mocha!> — Kevin Hearne

Oberon said as we walked inside. You don't offer werewolves treats if you want to keep all your appendages. They think it's undignified and degrading to be offered a treat. I beg your pardon? No. You just made all of that up. — Kevin Hearne

but underneath that lurked horrors, like a syphilitic dick hidden under a blanket. — Kevin Hearne

I just starred at him like he was trying to sell me the Sham-wow and the Slapchop for only $19.99 — Kevin Hearne

She thinks petting me is an honor. This is an unexpected position to take for a goddess of slaughter, but I applaud her defiance of convention. — Kevin Hearne

Granuaile looked terminally depressed when she emerged from the bathroom with raven hair and, as a result rather Goth by accident. She didn't want to get her picture taken.
"Aughh!" she said miserably, looking in the vanity mirror in the truck of the cab and fingering a wavy curl near her temple. "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. You know what we look like? A couple of emo douche bags."
"Well, look at the bright side, Granuaile. Emo Douche Bags would be a great band name."
[That's brilliant! It's already the unofficial name of more bands than I can count.] — Kevin Hearne

Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you're confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn't be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees. — Kevin Hearne

The widow's eyebrows raised. "Ye've got all these nasty pooches to run around with and ye still might die?"
"I'm going to go fight with a god, some demons, and a coven of witches who all want to kill me," I said, "so it's a distinct possibility."
"Are y'goin' t'kill 'em back?"
"I'd certainly like to."
"Attaboy," the widow chuckled. "Off y'go, then. Kill every last one o' the bastards and call me in the mornin'. — Kevin Hearne

Vader deactivated his lightsaber, picked up the comm, opened the channel, and let the sound of his respirator carry over the connection. — Kevin Hearne

That was opportunity knocking. Rising — Kevin Hearne

Poison?" she (Granuaile)said,"I hope it isn't iocane powder. — Kevin Hearne

His eyes were glowing egg yolks, burning Scut Farkus eyes to make your kidneys cringe. — Kevin Hearne

Atticus makes gigantic mistakes at times. But there are also times like this one when he makes of his life a poem and achieves an apotheosis of sorts, when his years manifest as wisdom and he spies a path forward that no one else sees until he points it out. And in this case that means not allowing swords to fall where they may. — Kevin Hearne

I quietly cast camouflage on myself, which is the nearest I can come to invisibility. It binds my pigment to my surroundings, so that I become practically invisible when I remain still. People can see me if I move quickly, but if I imitate the Rock of Gibraltar they have to really know I'm there to spot me. I figured it was best: Naked women rarely welcome the approach of strange naked men, except in porn movies. — Kevin Hearne

It quickly became a tracking operation, though. My chariot could not keep up with his truck. By the time I caught up with him, his truck was parked in one of those asphalt wastelands. What are they called again"?
The Tuatha De Danann have no problem asking Druids for information. That's what we're for, after all. The secret to becoming an Old Druid instead of a dead Druid is to betray nary a hint of condescension when answering even the simplest questions.
"They are called parking lots," I replied.
"Ah, yes, thank you. He came out of a building called 'Crussh', holding one of these potions. Are you familar with the building, Druid?"
"I belive that is a smoothie bar in England."
"Quite right. So after I killed him and stowed his body next to the doe, I sampled his smooth concoction in the parking lot and found it to be quite delicious".
See, sentences like that are why I nurture a healthy fear of the Tuatha De Danann. — Kevin Hearne

Silly cop, I don't need your help; I have a werewolf on retainer. — Kevin Hearne

It's best not to experiment on yourself. Bacon practically froze himself to death in one of his experiments and died of pneumonia."
{Right! Bacon must be heated. Knew that already, but thanks for the reminder.} — Kevin Hearne

No. See, when you throw up you're vomiting, but when you throw down you're starting a fight, as in throwing down the gauntlet."
"Ohhhh," he said. "I thought you were speaking literally."
"I do beg your pardon. Let's literally throw up, but figuratively throw down. — Kevin Hearne

The color palette is confined to that of a Gustave Dore' engraving, greys and blacks, and subtle shadings of these rendered in harrowing crosshatches and highlighted with sudden glaring areas of nothingness, like splotches of vitiligo sent to haunt the dead with memories of what real light did to the eyes. — Kevin Hearne

Oberon:She's a very clever girl, the kind you dont' take home to Ogma. — Kevin Hearne

She switched from ecstasy to embarrassment at about Mach five. — Kevin Hearne

Our minds are all that defend us from the horror of the void. The majority of the time we simply think about something-anything-else, and that itself is an act of defiance against the vast nothing of the universe. — Kevin Hearne

Is monstrous fuckpuddle,' Perun asserted, and everyone turned to stare at him with equal parts amusement and bemusement. 'What? Is this not English word?' I suggested that if it wasn't a word, it should be, and the others agreed. — Kevin Hearne

far past the time when everything might have turned out well. We are now in crisis management, hoping that things will turn out badly instead of much, much worse." That — Kevin Hearne

is the Way and the Truth. — Kevin Hearne

Defend the honor of your arse-munching couch. — Kevin Hearne

That's it," Flanagan said, his thick hands gripping the bar and his eyes wide. "I'm getting back on the wagon and I'm never getting off again. Oh, Jesus, look at that."
"I'm looking," Jesus said. Flanagan flicked an annoyed glance at him — Kevin Hearne

It's not polite to ask if a man has a big salami in his pants, okay? — Kevin Hearne

Never thought I'd see a jaguar brought to its knees by rhino shit. Oberon — Kevin Hearne

Its dead eyes were fixed on me and I'm sure it had no trouble locating me by sound, because I was hollering incoherently in an attempt to die angry at maximum volume. — Kevin Hearne

Morrigan "What are guilt ferrets:"
Atticus "They're bastards. They cling to your neck and tickle and bite and generally make you miserable, which is a pretty good trick for a metaphor."
They were also impervious to logic, perhaps their most diabolical power. — Kevin Hearne

You're trying to be cool now, Leif? Seriously?"
"I am the shit, home slice, straight up," he replied.
"No. I mean, don't get me wrong, this is a great effort, but you still need to use more contractions. And your tone is so formal, it's like you're complimenting the pudding at a duke's dinner party."
"Fucking H!" the vampire shouted, shaking his free left fist. He enunciated the g very clearly and projected his voice from his diaphragm, like a trained opera singer.
"It's fuckin' A, not H, but yeah Leif, go ahead, let's throw down. — Kevin Hearne

I didn't respond, because naked people never win arguments. — Kevin Hearne

Am I not a fearsome enemy?"
"You frighten me primally. — Kevin Hearne

When The Empire Strikes Back first came out in 1980 and I saw Luke summon his lightsaber to his hand in the wampa cave, I remember thinking, "Whoa! Awesome!" And then, after I'd seen it maybe ten more times, I wondered, "Where'd he learn how to do that?" My nine-year-old self never suspected that one day I'd get the chance to provide the answer, and I'm grateful to Del Rey and Lucasfilm for making it happen. — Kevin Hearne

DENON IS AN ECUMENOPOLIS like Coruscant, — Kevin Hearne

Behind me, I heard my apprentice growl, All your base are belong to us, Niko. — Kevin Hearne

Giving a witch your body fluids is akin to slicing off a choice cut of your buttocks and offering it to a werewolf. — Kevin Hearne

Are you going to kick somebody's ass?
I don't know. Maybe.
Well, I'm not going to worry. I've watched you spar with that martial arts dummy in the backyard lots of times, and you always win.
Thanks, buddy. I'll see you soon. — Kevin Hearne

There's a reason Bath & Body Works doesn't have a line of products called Huge Fucking Squirrel. — Kevin Hearne

Yer a good lad, Atticus, mowin' me lawn and killin' what Brits come around. — Kevin Hearne

Missing people in our lives are like wounds we reopen with thoughts. — Kevin Hearne

How would you take care of it?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I know some ghouls. I make a couple calls, the guys come over for dinner, problem solved."
"They can put away nine whole giants? There's that many ghouls in town?"
"Probably not," Leif admitted. "But whatever they do not eat tonight, they'll take the rest to go."
I stared at him in disbelief. "You mean like a doggie bag?"
The vampire nodded with a thin trace of a smile. "They have a refrigerated truck, Atticus. These are practical guys. — Kevin Hearne

They may have been victims at one time, but what you have to focus on is what they are now. — Kevin Hearne

You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress. — Kevin Hearne

Gaia has left us wonder wherever we go, if we only open our eyes to it." ~ Atticus — Kevin Hearne

Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?"
Oberon "Poochism"
A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?"
O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy. — Kevin Hearne