Julie Klausner Quotes & Sayings

I'm not big on regret - until time travel actually exists, it seems like a waste of making yourself feel bad — Julie Klausner

Cabaret is a great format. All you have to do is sing and be funny sporadically. — Julie Klausner

Every once in awhile you get encouragement, or you get something that isn't competitive or guilt-inducing from your peers, and it just turns a little light on. It makes it so the work that you do isn't isolating and horrible. There are people who make your life and your work better, and that's something I'm incredibly grateful for. — Julie Klausner

The kind of true-life writing that is fun to read - that makes an ally of the reader - is the kind that you are so nervous about putting down on paper that you lock the Word file with a secret password and encrypt it - and all of it. — Julie Klausner

Babies, babies, babies! They're everywhere, aren't they? In our eyes, in our thoughts, in our arms, in our dreams. Sometimes, in our dreams, they are riding alpacas or juggling tacos - but that doesn't mean those dreams are necessarily about babies. Look, I'm not Freud. — Julie Klausner

I'm really afraid of spiders and my own feelings. — Julie Klausner

I look forward to the day when being called 'another Monica Lewinsky' refers to the hard work behind a master's degree in social psychology from the London School of Economics, after spending the first act of one's life deflecting the shame of a scandal that should have rested on the shoulders of a man old enough to have known better. — Julie Klausner

I think of basset hounds whenever I turn on my computer because I have photos of them. And if I'm lucky, and I see one on the street, I know it's going to be a good day. They really are like a four-leaf clover. — Julie Klausner

This is not what anyone wants to hear, just like somebody who wants to lose weight doesn't want to hear 'diet and exercise,' but I think giving yourself time and abstaining from interaction is the only way to get over somebody. — Julie Klausner

I think feeling responsible for stuff that goes wrong is an inherent part of being female. — Julie Klausner

If you are making money writing, you are doing great. If you can support yourself writing, you are a success. I don't care if you're writing textbooks or Pulitzer Prize-winning articles for weighty publications of world renown: If you're writing and it's paying the bills, consider yourself a successful writer. — Julie Klausner

Here is how you meet women: You tell the girls you are friends with - the ones in relationships - that you want a girlfriend. You shouldn't even have to say 'Set me up' or 'Introduce me!' If they're good girls, they'll get the hint. — Julie Klausner

The only riot I'm okay with is a zoot suit riot. — Julie Klausner

If the Cowardly Lion were on RuPaul's Drag Race, so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish. — Julie Klausner

What was my problem, anyway? A guy asks me to call him so he knows I got home in one piece, and I want to puke on his shoes and flee the scene of the crime, maybe stopping at the good deli on the way home for a cookie. Is that normal? How was I ever going to find a boyfriend, a husband, or a man who might actually be a good father from the pool of guys I actually found attractive? — Julie Klausner

I can confidently pass up opportunities that don't make sense because there'll be better ones on the horizon, even if I have to wait. — Julie Klausner

It's important to remember that Mark David Chapman really set a lot of trends: such as the trend of celebrities having bodyguards. — Julie Klausner

Women who work for escort agencies that assign them out to prostitution dates at sushi restaurants know how to eat with chopsticks, and beyond that they are in every other way identical to other prostitutes. They're not better looking; they're not smarter; they're not classier; they're not more charming. They probably give more blowjobs than any reasonable woman, right? And they are empty inside, but it's also society's fault. — Julie Klausner

So, things aren't clicking with this sweet guy who keeps calling you. So what? Things like chemistry and fate and all the rest actually exist. You don't need to flip out if you're seeing a guy who's really nice to you and you're not attracted to him. It doesn't have to necessarily be because he's nice to you and you hate yourself. — Julie Klausner

Your twenties are the worst part of your life that you don't actually know at the time is terrible. — Julie Klausner

I have never been one for musicians. I know girls are supposed to go crazy for frontmen who close their eyes when they sing and nod their heads when the drums kick in, but I'm like Shania Twain with that stuff: That don't impress me much. I'll take wit and brains over the ability to carry a tune any day. — Julie Klausner

The modern model of misogyny has to do with marginalizing people who are sexual and thinking of them as dumb, or not serious, or not cool or tweedy enough to take seriously, for fear of seeming like one of the guys from 'Jersey Shore.' The sex is so much more present in sexism than, I think, ever before. — Julie Klausner

Shirley MacLaine: what an asshole. — Julie Klausner

There are good intentions behind many people's conversion to veganism, including an admirable devotion to the well-being of animals and a justified skepticism about the crap the USDA allows manufacturers to put in our food. But it's hard to ignore the often sanctimonious nature of what some nutritionists view as an 'extremist' way of eating. — Julie Klausner

I really love 'Real Housewives.' It's like the, you know, comedy stuff that's, like, intentionally funny. Like, I love 'Nathan for You,' that Comedy Central show. It's just brilliant. My friend Bill Eichner has a show called 'Billy on the Street' that I write for, and even if I didn't write for it, I'd still love it. — Julie Klausner

A relationship book I once read told women to use the word 'fun' whenever possible. The author claimed it had a subliminal aphrodisiac effect on men, who want a relaxed girl attached only to good times - the human equivalent of Diet Coke. This is not me. — Julie Klausner

I consider Greeks the Jews of the sea. — Julie Klausner

Frances McDormand is my favorite actor. I don't know if that's relevant. But she's a person who plays people. In other words, not everything has to be an over-the-top Broadway musical to get my attention, but it certainly helps. — Julie Klausner

I've always found the Irish really attractive-they make wonderful writers and sexy firefighters, and if they didn't like the Red Socks they'd be perfect. — Julie Klausner

I think when it comes to women who write or who fancy ourselves 'hip downtown literati', there is a certain contempt for being overly sexual or really looking for boyfriends. We tend to be marginalized as some 'Sex & The City' Carrie Bradshaw chick-lit dummies who just want shoes and a ring. — Julie Klausner

Podcasts themselves cannot exist without the Internet - in a way, they are a microcosm of the Internet. — Julie Klausner

When I first started on Twitter, a relative asked, 'Aren't you concerned with giving away your jokes?' I don't think of it that way. That's my content, and that's what I do. — Julie Klausner

I'm always suspicious when a guy takes his date on a walk, because it reeks of poverty and an inability to plan. — Julie Klausner

Because really, men and women aren't that different. One likes astrology more than car chases for some reason, but we're ultimately all looking for the same thing - to be loved and understood. — Julie Klausner

...because my vagina is stupid. — Julie Klausner

My advice to women who habitually gravitate toward musicians is that they learn how to play an instrument and start making music themselves. Not only will they see that it's not that hard, but sometimes I think women just want to be the very thing they think they want to sleep with. Because if you're bright enough
no offense, Tawny Kitaen
sleeping with a musician probably won't be enough for you to feel good about yourself. Even if he writes you a song for your birthday. Don't you know that a musician who writes a song for you is like a baker you're dating making you a cake? Aim higher. — Julie Klausner

Only sad sacks and conformists need things like no kiss on New Year's Eve to remind them to feel lonely. They're as bad as the people who need St. Patty's Day as an excuse to get drunk or Halloween to wear slutty outfits. You can feel sorry for yourself and dress like a hooker all year round: Hallmark never needs to know. — Julie Klausner

I'm always excited when I make it on anyone's list - even if it's for affirmative action. My attitude is, 'Am I the token woman on this list? Because I'll take it.' — Julie Klausner

What else don't women like besides the Three Stooges? Tom Waits. Being hurt physically or emotionally. — Julie Klausner

I'm at the point, frankly, where I'd rather deal with a misogynist with a copy of Tucker Max's book in his backpack over someone in sensitive emo-boy clothing, because both are misogynists, only the one with the backpack is more honest about just how scared of women he is. — Julie Klausner

I didn't write my book, 'I Don't Care About Your Band,' in order to give women a brand-new set of dating rules they need to feel terrible about not abiding. I wrote my book to make the women who read it feel good about themselves, and a little more entitled to be treated well by the guys they go out with. — Julie Klausner

Any woman I know can smell a boyfriend a mile away. Women are intuitive: they know when a guy is interested but he's not going to be there for her in that boyfriend-y way. — Julie Klausner

Jealousy always trumps schadenfreude! It's a rule from the heartbreak version of 'rock, paper, scissors. — Julie Klausner

He loved me, but I also think he was infatuated with somebody in me I wasn't so crazy about. If Nate was the one who saw Kate Pierson underneath my grubby disaffect when we met, David tried to strip away all of Kate's lovely lashes and wigs and iridescent outfits to reveal what he was confident was the mousy, wide-eyed ragamuffin little girl that he wanted to love me as, and who he wanted me to be. — Julie Klausner

Hey! Remember the '90s?
The Clintons were in office, everybody was using AOL, Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri did "the Cheerleaders" on SNL, and everybody thought Oasis was fantastic.
In hindsight, we were all a bunch of potato-salad-eating jackasses. — Julie Klausner

If anybody studying psychology wants a concrete example of what a narcissist looks like, I advise them to consider any man who cheats on his wife. These guys are the textbook me-firsters, the ones who think the rules don't apply to them, the ones who tell themselves as long as she doesn't know, there's no harm done. No woman needs to sleep with these guys. There are so many single self-absorbed narcissists who will fuck you poorly. — Julie Klausner

I have nothing snarky to say about Joan Rivers' appearance. We should all be that happy with how we look on camera, frankly. — Julie Klausner

Pam (from The Office) is not intimidating, like one of those women who wears makeup and tailored clothes, and has a good job that she enjoys, and confidence, and an adult woman's sexuality. There's nothing scary about Pam, because there's no mystery; she's just like the boys who like her; mousy and shy. The ultimate emo-boy fantasy is to meet a nerdy, cute girl just like him, and nobody else will realize she's pretty. And she'll melt when she sees his record collection because it's just like hers ... and she'll never want to go out to a party for which he'll be forced to comb his hair, or buy grown-up shoes or tie a tie, or demonstrate a hearty handshake, or make eye contact, or relate to people who work in different fields, or to basically act like a man. — Julie Klausner

I've tried open-ended jobs and found myself incredibly unhappy. I don't like the monomania of showing up every day and doing the same thing. I don't know where my next cheque is coming from, I don't know where my next job is coming from, I have really sketchy health insurance, but I need variety in my life. — Julie Klausner

I think Joan Rivers is such an untapped legend that people just don't appreciate, because they grew up with her on QVC, or they grew up with her on E!, or they grew up watching her do the things that in their minds the more prestigious comics wouldn't have taken or done. — Julie Klausner

Do you think trees are the new birds? Don't answer that right away. — Julie Klausner

But more than anything, as a little girl, I wanted to be exactly like Miss Piggy. She was ma heroine. I was a plucky little girl, but I never related to the rough-and-tumble icons of children's lit, like Pippi Longstocking or Harriet the Spy. Even Ramona Quimby, who seemed cool, wasn't somebody I could super-relate to. She was scrawny and scrappy and I was soft and sarcastic. I connected instead to Miss - never 'Ms.' - Piggy; the comedienne extraordinaire who'd alternate eye bats with karate chops, swoon over girly stuff like chocolate, perfume, feather boas or random words pronounced in French, then, on a dmie, lower her voice to 'Don't fuck with me, fellas' decibel when slighted. She was hugely feminine, boldly ambitious, and hilariously violent when she didn't get way, whether it was in work, love, or life. And even though she was a pig puppet voiced by a man with a hand up her ass, she was the fiercest feminist I'd ever seen. — Julie Klausner

What podcasts can do in order to liven up the talk show area of TV is bring new personalities and unique worldviews into the fray in a way that's not going to be filtered through the whole Q-rating thing. I think there's a whole new layer of doing things that TV is behind the Internet in figuring out. — Julie Klausner

If you're going to be a musician's girlfriend, you have to know that your man will always love his bandmates in a way you can't even touch, because they are the guys who help him create music. You can only help him create a living human being, with your dumb uterus. — Julie Klausner

Why can't science work on making women more entitled in general? Or at least get us to listen to those L'Oreal ads that tell us how we're worth it? — Julie Klausner

Fear can be the result of admiration, or it can be a symptom of contempt. — Julie Klausner

Having one of your like dumb sort of stream of consciousness tweets used against you on a right wing website is the ultimate compliment. — Julie Klausner

Oh, yeah, I did the online dating thing. I did Nerve, I did Match. On Nerve there was this one guy who, when I asked him what he did for a living, said he 'used to be in a band.' I was like, 'That is not an occupation.' — Julie Klausner

The kind of boy's club I'm used to? It is definitely not a jock-y, frat-y kind of thing. They say, 'I'm sensitive and nerdy,' but actually, it's like, 'You're a huge child and you're terrified of women, but you don't like sports, so you think that makes you less of a misogynist.' — Julie Klausner

I just feel like I understand Cameron Diaz better than I ever have before, and I don't like it. I don't like to see everything I see. It's like a magnifying mirror only soulful, and I'm not looking at her, I'm looking at us, you know? And our pores are huge. — Julie Klausner

All I know is it's silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don't expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill's mouth ... have you seen this ad? It's very good. It's for Abilify, which is not a word. — Julie Klausner

I wish podcasting was my only job - I have more fun doing that than I have doing absolutely anything else. But my job is that I'm a writer. — Julie Klausner

The only thing that's a challenge for me is not working. I get depressed when I'm not in motion. — Julie Klausner

I love the 'Housewives.' I don't watch 'American Idol' or 'X Factor.' I guess I don't like network reality: I like my Bravo; I like documentary programming - I love 'Intervention' and some things on TLC more than others - but the 'Real Housewives' to me are really revolutionary, in terms of giving camera time to women of a certain age. — Julie Klausner

As far as my memory being reliable, at the risk of sounding like some sort of gorgeous two-headed monster with the voices of Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck, I do think that women, like elephants, remember everything and love peanuts. — Julie Klausner

I would love to interview Michael McKean and his wife, who wrote the songs for 'A Mighty Wind,' which is my favorite Christopher Guest movie. I'm just a sucker for any funny guy that has a wife who is intelligent and that he collaborates with. — Julie Klausner

We don't use phones anymore in this day and age, yet she still phones things in. — Julie Klausner

I don't make money doing my podcast. I've learned that people want to hire creative people who are already doing something when they approach them. — Julie Klausner

You have to tell guys to ask you on a date. Smile when you do it - however that works, I'm not 'Cosmo.' But yeah - not a lot of people know how to 'court' anymore, sorry. — Julie Klausner

In all seriousness, I don't get people who need to make a proposal a bigger deal than marriage already is. — Julie Klausner