Joey Comeau Quotes & Sayings

Judge if you want, we are all going to die. I intend to deserve it. — Joey Comeau

When the end comes, I hope it's as strange as that. I hope that the sky tears open and the world is washed with colors that we've never seen before. — Joey Comeau

Monogamy is defined by what it is not, just as much as by what it is," I say, "We couldn't have monogamy without infidelity the same as we couldn't have sad without happy, or down without up. By fucking around in secret, within a relationship defined as monogamous, aren't I just playing the devil in monogamy's Sunday school pageant? — Joey Comeau

Wait, wait, wait," he said, and everyone stopped to listen. "This is about those children I murdered, isn't it?" He laughed. "Listen," he said. "If you spare the axe, you spoil the child. — Joey Comeau

We are terrible for each other, and, yes, we are a disaster. But tell me your heart doesn't race for a hurricane or a burning building. I'd rather die terrified than live forever. — Joey Comeau

Alzheimer's disease is death before death, and I'm terrified of it. — Joey Comeau

I think the best life would be one that's lived off the grid. No bills, your name in no government databases. No real proof you're even who you say you are, aside from, you know, being who you say you are. I don't mean living in a mountain hut with solar power and drinking well water. I think nature's beautiful and all, but I don't have any desire to live in it. I need to live in a city. I need pay as you go cell phones in fake names, wireless access stolen or borrowed from coffee shops and people using old or no encryption on their home networks. Taking knife fighting classes on the weekend! Learning Cantonese and Hindi and how to pick locks. Getting all sorts of skills so that when your mind starts going, and you're a crazy raving bum, at least you're picking their pockets while raving in a foreign language at smug college kids on the street. At least you're always gonna be able to eat. — Joey Comeau

Wait," I say. "Aren't soulmates supposed to be perfect? What if you find yours and shes not a virgin, not even a girl? What if he's a fixer upper? What if he has an STD? — Joey Comeau

You are never so low that you deserve to be lower. — Joey Comeau

I am writing to apply for the position of bookkeeper. Attached, you will find my list of qualifications. I have been keeping books for four years now, and I am never going to give them back. — Joey Comeau

It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty. I am gonna drink it through this crazy straw. — Joey Comeau

Kissing girls is easy, like breaking windows. — Joey Comeau

Being in love is totally punk rock. — Joey Comeau

I think it would be cool if we wore suits while we committed these violent acts of retribution. Not fancy suits. No. Cheap suits that we won't mind ruining. Then if we're caught by the police, well, think how amazing we'll look! All bloody and torn and grizzled.
Plus, suits look official. They would add an air of credibility to our campaign of blood drenched disproportionate responses. — Joey Comeau

I hope that you are a disaster. I'm sorry, but I do. I hope that you are thunder and lightning. I hope you are a forest fire, I hope you kill the dead wood and burn off the rotting leaves. With the canopy gone, the sun can get in. You need new growth. I hope you're terrible and broken and perfect. — Joey Comeau

There's something not quite Christian about it," Tony said. He sat back in his chair and looked up to where his Bible sat on the shelf. "I can't put my finger on why exactly, but it doesn't seem right for a couple of young ladies to be out there in the middle of the night, obsessing over their telescopes. — Joey Comeau

I get scared thinking about the yawning void of space and the maddening smallness of our solar system in it, and the smallness of our planet in that solar system and of my own voice in the dark. — Joey Comeau

And when our sun explodes and we are all destroyed, we'll be rocks and chunks of I am not sure what, and maybe we'll rain down on somewhere else. — Joey Comeau

I feel the way bank robbers must feel before they go out on that last job that ends up getting them all killed. That is to say, optimistic. — Joey Comeau

If we couldn't carry our dead inside us, we would be empty. — Joey Comeau

I want to make something, and I want people to know I made it. — Joey Comeau

I have a form of ESP that allows me to consistently pick losing lottery numbers, and generally make poor life choices. — Joey Comeau

Memories are like everything else. They're a trap. — Joey Comeau

I'm not really like a cop at all. I haven't got any actual authority. If someone does show up to do anything bad, I am not allowed to touch them or interfere with them in anyway. I'm a scarecrow. I'm like one of those plastic owls that are supposed to scare away the pigeons, but that the pigeons shit all over. — Joey Comeau

Art isn't just paint and music, art is breaking glass and the sounds we make without realizing. — Joey Comeau

When I played doctor I played to win. — Joey Comeau

Our love is a forest fire and we are the little things that live in the trees. — Joey Comeau

Moderation is like a foreign language. You have to learn that shit when you're young. — Joey Comeau

Hello, there should be more advice about dealing with depression when you're stupid and worthless, so here is a self help exercise.
Today's assignment is simple. Just go out and get on the bus.
It doesn't matter which bus. Whichever bus comes next. Get on, and just go. You could ride that bus to the very end, thank the driver, and then walk into the woods and just die. Just lay down right there and wait and wait until you were dead. Who is going to miss you?
Really, think about it. If you went out to the middle of nowhere and just sat down in a ditch and cried by yourself until you were dead, who would be the first person to wonder where you'd gone?
Call them up! Maybe they want to get ice cream? — Joey Comeau

I love those dark moments in Peanuts. I love that they're in there, that Charles Schulz put the sad lonely bits of himself into the comic. I love the silliness too, the dancing Snoopy strips. The little boy Rerun drawing "basement" comics about Tarzan fighting Daffy Duck in a helicopter. Those are the bits that keep me reading. The funny parts! The fun parts. The silly bits that don't make any sense. And when I get to the sad lonely Peppermint Patty standing in a field wondering why nobody shook hands and said "good game," well, it works because that's not all she was. I try to think that way about everything. That's the kind of person I want to be. — Joey Comeau

I don't know what you believe in. I believe we just stop. Because if we move on to an afterlife, any kind of afterlife, that means there will be other people there. I'm tired of the chit chat. Oh, that is a handsome boy. He takes after his grandfather. Did they change the breakfast again? It tastes different to me.
For Eternity? No thanks. — Joey Comeau

Halfway through the televised debate I kick my boot into the screen. Even on mute I can't stand it. It feels good to smash the TV, though. I feel like I'm participating in the political system. — Joey Comeau

She needs you, Dad," Julia says. "She has unfinished business in this world."
"What is the matter with you?" Charlie asks his daughter. "Any sane person would have told me to go to the doctor. I'm seeing a headless apparition every day. Maybe my medications are conflicting. You should see the list of side effects on this stuff. — Joey Comeau

The family that prays together, still probably dies in the fire. — Joey Comeau

Satellite images, maps and blueprints of the whole world, of every city. We could look it up and know what's there in someone else's words. Or we could get wicked drunk and just go. — Joey Comeau

Be the trouble you want to see in the world. — Joey Comeau

Dear Nintendo, We need a new Mario game, where you rescue the princess in the first ten minutes, and for the rest of the game you try and push down that sick feeling in your stomach that she's 'damaged goods', a concept detailed again and again in the profoundly sex negative instruction booklet, and when Luigi makes a crack about her and Bowser, you break his nose and immediately regret it. When Peach asks you, in the quiet of her mushroom castle bedroom 'do you still love me?' you pretend to be asleep. You press the A button rhythmically, to control your breath, keep it even. — Joey Comeau

Fuck politics. I just want to burn shit down. — Joey Comeau

There are plenty of fish in the sea, if I run out of women. — Joey Comeau

Having all the answers just means you've been asking boring questions. — Joey Comeau

There is no subtle way to mention you miss the curve of someone's ass. — Joey Comeau

I've always known I'd be a bank robber. So judge all you want, ladies and gentlemen. Because you never did become an astronaut. — Joey Comeau

Depression is like slashing at ghosts. Of course it's tempting to finally cut something real. — Joey Comeau

Oh, thank goodness you're here," the priest said. "I think this poor boy tried to kill himself with a sledgehammer. — Joey Comeau

Well, it's possible to be mentally ill and rational. — Joey Comeau

We'll wake up every day and we'll tell ourselves, Live for today, you retarded little shit. The end is near. — Joey Comeau

Romance is all about making a story out of our love — Joey Comeau

Before your mother I didn't spend too long with any one girl. I used to believe that life was too short. I was too young to settle down. Then I met your mother and fell in love. Now I think maybe I was right. I was too young to settle down. — Joey Comeau

She wears glasses that are not too small. I wish I was a girl like that. I wear contact lenses because glasses make me look like I am wearing glasses. I am not saying this properly. When she wears glasses she looks so quiet, like a grenade with the pin still in. — Joey Comeau

I live to feel her fingers move inside of me like this. The bus
makes another stop. A fat man climbs aboard, hauling himself up the stairs. I would kill him for one more moment with her fingers inside me. I don't have to. She gives me my moment for free. He lives because of her generosity. We all live because of her generosity. — Joey Comeau

Happiness is not a house where you can live. (But it is a house you can build.) — Joey Comeau

Listening to music that I hate calms me down. — Joey Comeau

I never wanted anything to happen to my parents, but a hero needs an origin story. — Joey Comeau

Death is not the end. Death is an ocean on all sides of our lives. Deep and dark and cold, and anything but empty. — Joey Comeau

Home is where the heart is, until we get a chance to bury it. Home is where the heart pulled the nails out of its feet, and fled. — Joey Comeau

Art, he said, isn't your little paintings and comic books. Art is the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. — Joey Comeau

I don't fall in love very easily. It takes a long time, and then, when I have fallen in love, I'm still not sure. I'm suspicious of myself. What if tomorrow I don't feel the same? I have to wait, to be sure. And I wait and wait. — Joey Comeau

I want something from her, but I don't know what it is. I guess that means sex. — Joey Comeau

There's a romance to danger. There's a romance to drinking, to drugs, to petty crime and to heartbreak and loneliness. All of those things can be used to make the STORY of our lives better. — Joey Comeau