Jenny Lawson Quotes & Sayings

AWESOME. In fact, I'm starting a whole movement right now. The FURIOUSLY HAPPY movement. And it's going to be awesome because first of all, we're all going to be VEHEMENTLY happy, and secondly because it will freak the shit out of everyone that hates you because those assholes don't want to see you even vaguely amused, much less furiously happy, and it will make their world turn a little sideways and will probably scare the shit out of them. Which will make you even more happy. Legitimately. Then the world tips in our favor. Us: 1. Assholes: 8,000,000. That score doesn't look as satisfying as it should because they have a bit of a head start. Except you know what? Fuck that. We're starting from scratch. Us: 1. Assholes: 0. — Jenny Lawson

A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there.
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up. — Jenny Lawson

THE OTHER DAY I HAD INSOMNIA AND I MADE MY CATS A WATER BED OUT OF A ZIPLOC BAG AND A SHOEBOX. THEY POPPED IT WITH THEIR CLAWS AND THEY ALMOST DROWNED. THEN I TRIED TO PUT BABY SOCKS AROUND THEIR FEET BUT THEY KEPT PULLING THEM OFF SO I TRIED WRAPPING RUBBER BANDS AROUND THE SOCK HEMS AND THEN MY HUSBAND WOKE UP WHILE I WAS PINNING ONE OF THE CATS DOWN TO PUT THE SOCK ON HIM AND HE WAS ALL, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE THESE CATS ALL WET?" AND I WAS LIKE, "I'M TRYING TO HELP THEM ENJOY WATER BEDS," AND THEN VICTOR MADE ME GO TO SLEEP. IT WAS A DISAPPOINTMENT TO EVERYONE INVOLVED. — Jenny Lawson

Usually when I tell people my dad was a Texas armadillo racing champion, they assume I'm exaggerating, but then I pull out his silver armadillo championship ring (which is, of course, shaped like an armadillo), and then they're all, "Crap on a crap cracker, you're actually serious." And then they usually leave quickly. — Jenny Lawson

I try to be appreciative of what I have instead of bitter about what I've lost. — Jenny Lawson

We began the process of learning how incredibly difficult it is to live with someone who is totally anal and slightly OCD (ahem ... Victor). And someone who is perpetually accidentally hot-gluing herself to the carpet, and who is sort of mentally unstable, but in an "At-least-I-still-remember-how-pants-work" kind of way (cough ... that'd be me). Victor remarked that comparing myself with the sometimes naked hermit next door wasn't exactly a strong mental-wellness benchmark, especially since I often ended up pantsless myself. I raised my eyebrow at his seemingly seductive remark until I realized he was referring to the time he found me half naked because I'd just hot-glued my jeans to the carpet. — Jenny Lawson

When other girls had tea parties on the playground, I brought out my secondhand Ouija board and attempted to raise the dead. While my classmates gave book reports on The Wind In The Willows or Charlotte's Web, I did mine on tattered, paperback copies of Stephen King novels that I'd borrowed from my grandmother. Instead of Sweet Valley High, I read books about zombies and vampires. Eventually, my third grade teacher called my mother in to discuss her growing concerns over my behavior, and my mom nodded blithely, but failed to see what the problem was. When Mrs. Johnson handed her my recent book report on Pet Sematary,, my mom wrinkled her forehead with concern and disapproval. "Oh, I see,"she said disappointingly, as she turned to me. "You spelled 'cemetery' wrong." Then I explained that Stephen King had spelled it that way on purpose, and she nodded, saying, "Ah. Well, good enough for me. — Jenny Lawson

I'd eat a human foot if it was smothered in enough cheese and butter. — Jenny Lawson

I used to feel a lot of guilt about having depression but then I realized that's a lot like feeling guilty for having brown hair. — Jenny Lawson

Don't make the same mistakes that everyone else makes. Make wonderful mistakes. Make the kind of mistakes that make people so shocked that they have no other choice but to be a little impressed. — Jenny Lawson

Is "defeatedly" a real word? As in, "She sighed defeatedly as spell-check implied that 'defeatedly' isn't a real word." Fuck it. It's going in the book, and I'm a pretty sure that makes it a real word. Me and Shakespeare. Making shit up as we go along. — Jenny Lawson

I sing strange battle songs to myself in the darkness to scare away the demons. I am a fighter when I need to be. And for that I am proud. I celebrate every one of you reading this. I celebrate the fact that you've fought your battle and continue to win. I celebrate the fact that you may not understand the battle, but you pick up the baton dropped by someone you love until they can carry it again. I survived and I remind myself that each time we go through this, we get a little stronger. We learn new tricks on the battlefield. We learn them in terrible ways, but we use them. We don't struggle in vain. We win. We are alive. — Jenny Lawson

On the upside, yesterday I taped a Ziploc bag to the inside of my skirt so I'd have someplace to store my everything-that-didn't-fit-in-my-bra and it worked really well, so now I'm working on a cape made solely from stapled-together Ziploc bags. It'll be awesome because I'll be able to see all the stuff in my Ziploc pockets (unlike my purse, which just eats everything, like a tiny black hole). And it'll also double as a rain poncho. And I can put a stiletto knife and a "How to Stab People" pamphlet in it so assholes know not to fuck with me and I don't even have to pull it out and threaten them. There is no downside to this. — Jenny Lawson

Dear Victor: Wow. That ... really got out of hand. I'm sending this cat in as a peace offering. I forgive you for all the stuff you wrote on the walls about my sister, and I'm going to just ignore all the stuff you wrote about my "giant ass" (turn cat over for rest) because I love you and you need me. Who else loves you enough to send you notes written on cats? Nobody, that's who. Also, I stapled a picture of us from our wedding day to the cat's left leg. Don't we look happy? We can be that way again. Just stop leaving wet towels on the floor. That's all I ask. I'm low-maintenance that way. Also, this cat needs to go on a diet. I shouldn't be able to write this much on a cat and still have room left over. — Jenny Lawson

As the doctor walked me out he told me to "stop worrying so much" because it's possible that some of the rash actually is hives caused by nerves, and I made a note to tell my shrink the breaking news that the medical world finally found the cure for my severe anxiety disorder and that the prescription is "Just stop worrying so much." My God, we've come so far with science. Later — Jenny Lawson

Personally I prefer to avoid any activity that ends with a strange man offering to "hose the blood off of ye afterward, mate." It's just a rule I have. Because I'm picky. — Jenny Lawson

I didn't get raped, right?" and he shouted, "You were never in danger of getting raped," but I think he just said that to hurt my feelings, and so I retorted, "Oh, I am ALWAYS in danger of being raped, thankyouverymuch," and he was all, "I'm not questioning your rapability. I'M JUST SAYING I CAN'T GO AWAY FOR TWO DAYS WITHOUT YOU OD'ING ON LAXATIVES. — Jenny Lawson

If you were crazy you wouldn't realize how crazy it sounds," she said gently but insistently. "You're recognizing a problem and you're getting help for it, the same way any sane person with a medical problem would. — Jenny Lawson

Me: Yes, I'd like some colon cleanse. It's something that cleans you out so your antidepressants work better.
Pharmacist: I think you're using your antidepressants wrong. They go in your mouth. — Jenny Lawson

I have trouble getting approvals from my heath insurance company for basic antidepressants. And I have the best plan my agency has. I can't get high off this stuff! I'm not going to sell it! Getting my medication is critical. It's me saying, "I just want to live." And their response seems to be, "We agree that it's a matter of life and death; that's why we're declining it." Every time I get a cold, I have Tylenol with codeine coming out the wazoo. But the medication I need to live? Nah. — Jenny Lawson

They should change "like finding a needle in a haystack" to "like finding a pen that works in that drawer filled with pens that don't work. — Jenny Lawson

No. You said I looked "okay," which is petty much the same thing as saying, "Well, at least your nipples are covered. — Jenny Lawson

Daddy leaned toward us and told us rather conspiratorially that this box held our newest pet. This is the same man who once brought home a baby bobcat, let it loose in the house, and forgot to mention it because he "didn't think it was important," so for him to be excited I assumed the box had to contain something truly amazing, like a two-headed lizard, or a baby chupacabra. He opened the box and whispered excitedly, "Come out and meet your new owners, Pickle. — Jenny Lawson

I know other people who are like me ... They are brilliant and amazing and forever broken. I'm lucky that although Victor doesn't understand it, he tries to understand, telling me, "Relax. There's absolutely nothing to panic about." I smile gratefully at him and pretend that's all I needed to hear and that this is just a silly phase that will pass one day. I know there's nothing to panic about. And that's exactly what makes it so much worse. — Jenny Lawson

When our brains declare war on our very existence. — Jenny Lawson

Someone once said that if you make something no one hates, no one will ever love it either, and that's true. — Jenny Lawson

I hope one day to be better, and I'm pretty sure I will be. I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame. I hope it for you too. — Jenny Lawson

Black women are always the loudest when they have babies. Screaming to Jesus, usually. White women are much quieter, right up until the baby starts to crown. Then you can't tell a white woman from a black woman. Asian women make no sound at all. Quiet as church mice. We have to keep an extra-careful eye on them, because if we don't keep checking their hootchies they'll give birth without even letting us know. — Jenny Lawson

Did they teach you how to pronounce 'Avada Kedavra' when you bought it?" I ask. Victor just stares at me. Probably because he's never read any of the Harry Potter books. — Jenny Lawson

If the plural of "octopus" is "octopi" then why isn't the plural of "rabbit" "rabbi"? Is it just because "octopuses" is too much fun to say? * — Jenny Lawson

My rule is "Enjoy the non-shitty things now because shitty things are coming. — Jenny Lawson

It'll be like when your parents give you the biggest present at Christmas but you unwrap it and there's a smaller present inside and that keeps happening until you have a mountain o wrapping paper, some new socks, and a lot of unresolved anger. — Jenny Lawson

I've often thought that people with severe depression have developed such a well for experiencing extreme emotion that they might be able to experience extreme joy in a way that "normal" people also might never understand, and that's what FURIOUSLY HAPPY is all about. It's about taking those moments when things are fine and making them amazing, because those moments are what make us who we are, and they're the same moments we take into battle with us when our brains declare war on our very existence. It's the difference between "surviving life" and "living life." It — Jenny Lawson

I'm not entirely sure what these are all for but I think the top one that looks like a stick figure is to notify people that you've found the Blair Witch, and I think the next one means "Poop won't go down. Use your foot." I assume the orange button on the far left is for starting a war, and then there are two for washing your boobs for some reason, and then one about levitating on a fountain, and I think the last one is for ordering bacon? Frankly, I was too afraid to try out all of the buttons because just sitting on it triggered something that made it break out into song. It was unsettling. Like, a pooping lullaby. — Jenny Lawson

Like it says in the Bible, being a friend means never having to witness farting belly buttons. Or something. — Jenny Lawson

High school is life's way of giving you a record low to judge the rest of your life by. I know this because no matter how shitty it got, I could always look back and say, "At least I don't have my arm stuck up a cow's vagina." In fact, that's kind of become my life's motto. — Jenny Lawson

YOU are using a frisbee as a plate."
"Uh, what? I'm not using a
oh hang on, this is a frisbee. Weird."
Victor glared at me.
"Dude, calm down, I'll wash it afterward. It's probably dishwasher safe. — Jenny Lawson

When I look at my life I see high-water marks of happiness and I see the lower places where I had to convince myself that suicide wasn't an answer. And in between I see my life. I see that the sadness and tragedy in my life made the euphoria and delicious ecstasy that much more sweet. I see that stretching out my soul to feel every inch of horrific depression gave me more room to grow and enjoy the beauty of life that others might not ever appreciate. — Jenny Lawson

My grandmother used to say, "Into everyone's life a little rain must fall---rain, assholes, and assorted bullshit . — Jenny Lawson

That's the thing about my father. You never know when he's hiding a giant surprise giraffe head from you. — Jenny Lawson

Everyone is born with extra fingers. God expects you to cut a few off during your journey. Otherwise he wouldn't have made power tools so awesome. — Jenny Lawson

Really the only way it would work is if the pockets in the pocket-pants made me look thinner and still held tons of stuff. I guess basically I want magic. In a size sixteen. I want my pockets to be like a TARDIS, — Jenny Lawson

Of a deal, then you're probably the kind of person who grew up in a town that has a gas station, and that doesn't encourage students to drive to school in their tractors. Wall — Jenny Lawson

That's the great thing about hanging out with bloggers. They already know that you're broken, and most of them are, too, so they just nod and make you go take Xanax and go to bed. They're very supportive. Also they probably wanted me to leave so they could talk about me. — Jenny Lawson

Everyone gets caught accidentally sneaking weird stuff through security sometimes though. — Jenny Lawson

And someone who is perpetually accidentally hot-gluing herself to the carpet, and who is sort of mentally unstable, but in an "At-least-I-still-remember-how-pants-work" kind of way (cough ... that'd be me). — Jenny Lawson

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either. — Jenny Lawson

It's how people fish when they've run completely out of bait, dynamite, and any common sense whatsoever. There — Jenny Lawson

I very much own the fact that I'm a misfit. The Internet makes everyone realize they're screwed up. — Jenny Lawson

When life gives you lemons you should freeze them and use them to throw at your enemies using some sort of trebuchet. — Jenny Lawson

They suggested that if you really want to hold a koala but can't, just get a furry pillowcase and fill it with lightly used cat litter. Or tie a bunch of sedated raccoons together. Or maybe hold a dead koala. — Jenny Lawson

This place is very bushy," I said, using words to describe things. — Jenny Lawson

because you're going to get halfway through this book and giggle at non sequiturs about Hitler and abortions and poverty, and you'll feel superior to all the uptight, easily offended people who need to learn how to take a fucking joke, but then somewhere in here you'll read one random thing you're sensitive about, and everyone else will think it's hysterical, but you think, "Oh, that is way over the line." I apologize for that one thing. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. — Jenny Lawson

When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me. — Jenny Lawson

The first thing I do when I come home is check the refrigerator for cats because I'm convinced that if one dies, my husband will hide it in there because I don't cook and so I won't see it. I do drink Cokes, though, so technically he should hide the corpse in the oven. And now I need to start checking the oven. — Jenny Lawson

We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead. — Jenny Lawson

Once, we came home to find Rambo in the sink, washing a tiny sliver of soap that had been a new bath-size bar that morning. He looked exhausted, and like he wanted someone to stop him and put him to bed, but when we tried to take away the last bit of soap he growled at us, and so we let him finish, because at that point I guess it was like a vendetta, if raccoons had vendettas. — Jenny Lawson

It's because right now? YOU'RE READING. That's what the sexy people do. — Jenny Lawson

You should just accept who you are, flaws and all, because if you try to be someone you aren't, then eventually some turkey is going to shit all over your well-crafted facade, so you might as well save yourself the effort and enjoy your zombie books. — Jenny Lawson

Choosing to work in HR is like choosing to work in the complaint department of hell, except way more frustrating, because at least in hell you'd be able to agree that that Satan is a real dick-wagon without having to toe the company line. — Jenny Lawson

I walked back into the studio pretending to be someone who was amazing at reading her own story. I finished an entire paragraph without interruption. Then I looked up and the producer stared at me and said, "I don't know what you just did, but keep doing it." And I said, "I just did a lot of cocaine," and she looked a bit aghast and so I said, "No, I'm just kidding. I just got some really good advice from a friend. — Jenny Lawson

Someone else told me that capitulating to my depression made me seem ungrateful because Jesus died so that I wouldn't have to suffer, but frankly Jesus seemed to have more than his fair share of bullshit in his life too. That guy got nailed to death. I bet people walking past Jesus were like, "Wow. That guy should have had more God in his life." Or maybe they just sent him those e-mails that say, "Let Go and Let God," or "God listens to knee-mail. — Jenny Lawson

I, on the other hand, spent most of the morning coming up with good names for cats that I don't currently have. My current favorite is "The President." It's an awesome name because you'd constantly find yourself saying things like, "The President will not stop sitting on my keyboard." Or "The President just threw up on the new rug." Or "I like sleeping with the President but why do I always wake up with his butt on my face?" I — Jenny Lawson

Is it norma to regert not making a sex tape back when you were younger and your boobs pointed vaguely at the ceiling when you were lying on your back? Because I feel like no one ever talks about that.
- Furiously Happy — Jenny Lawson

Victor claims these kinds of things don't go on in normal households, but I'm pretty sure this entire incident could be blamed on the fact that I have several real-life sleep disorders. This is not too surprising considering I collect neurological disorders like other people collect comic books. — Jenny Lawson

I've found, though, that people are more likely to share their personal experiences if you go first, so that's why I always keep an eleven-point list of what went wrong in my childhood to share with them. Also I usually crack open a bottle of tequila to share with them, because alcohol makes me less nervous, and also because I'm from the South, and in Texas we offer drinks to strangers even when we're waiting in line at the liquor store. In Texas we call that '_southern hospitality_.' The people who own the liquor store call it 'shoplifting.' Probably because they're Yankees.
I'm not allowed to go back to that liquor store. — Jenny Lawson

I have never been normal and I think we both know that. — Jenny Lawson

Sometimes the depression is mild enough that I mistake it for the flu or mono, — Jenny Lawson

I had very low self-esteem. Books saved me. I found friends in stories like The Chronicles of Narnia and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. During lunch hour at school I'd avoid social interactions by sitting on the bathroom sink and reading. My mother worked in my school cafeteria. When my anxiety got really bad, I'd put a coat on, grab my book and a flashlight, and hide in the freezer with the mac and cheese. — Jenny Lawson

Cannibals say that we taste like pork, and bacon is my spirit animal, so we're probably delicious. — Jenny Lawson

I can tell you that "Just cheer up" is almost universally looked at as the most unhelpful depression cure ever. It's pretty much the equivalent of telling someone who just had their legs amputated to "just walk it off." Some people don't understand that for a lot of us, mental illness is a severe chemical imbalance rather just having "a case of the Mondays." Those same well-meaning people will tell me that I'm keeping myself from recovering because I really "just need to cheer up and smile." That's when I consider chopping off their arms and then blaming them for not picking up their severed arms so they can take them to the hospital to get reattached. — Jenny Lawson

When we see celebrities who fall victim to depression's lies we think to ourselves, "How in the world could they have killed themselves? They had everything." But they didn't. They didn't have a cure for an illness that convinced them they were better off dead. — Jenny Lawson

By my tenth glass of wine I started to wonder whether there was something wrong with my palate. Everyone else was marking the wine list with notes like "Pleasant finish. Robust spices." Meanwhile, I was doodling pictures of vampiric cougars. Then I noticed people staring at my doodles, and so I started writing notes next to the wine. Things like "Tastes of NyQuil, but in a good way," and "This one will get you all the way fucked up." "I can't feel my feet anymore." "Did I leave the garage door open? I wonder whether the cat is on fire. I should probably stop drinking now." Everyone else there had a sophisticated palate. I had one that needed therapy, and possibly an intervention. — Jenny Lawson

They may have all had suitcases three times as big as mine, but I realized that the emotional baggage I'd brought with me was big enough to put theirs to shame. It was a little lighter, though, now that I was leaving. — Jenny Lawson

I'm not sure I have the words to describe that moment but if there's a word that means the exact opposite of "ladylike", that would be a good start. — Jenny Lawson

One ox, two oxen. One fox, two foxen. — Jenny Lawson

You know when you're walking to the trash can at the zoo and you're holding something important in one hand, and you have something you have to throw away in the other hand, and you're sort of distracted because you just realized the universal truth that everything in the world either is or isn't pandas and you're trying to decide if that's an important epiphany or not and it's so distracting that it's not until you're halfway back to the lemur house that you realize you're still holding the garbage in your hand and that you seem to have thrown your car keys in the trash? — Jenny Lawson

My old e-mail addresses are like bars I've been kicked out of and can never return to. — Jenny Lawson

(Courtesy of Jeremy Johnson) Rory the Dead Raccoon stood up on his hind legs, his arms stretched out in glee. He looked like he was the most excited member of your surprise party, or like a Time Lord in the process of regenerating. — Jenny Lawson

That's the good thing about hanging with bloggers. Most of them are kind of fucked up in the same way you are. — Jenny Lawson

I whispered to the girl next to me that I was very excited about having my first cheese tasting because I love cheese. — Jenny Lawson

Like my grandmother always said, Your opinions are valid and important. Unless it's some stupid bullshit you're being shitty about, in which case you can just go fuck yourself. — Jenny Lawson

Lick David Tennant's face. — Jenny Lawson

You learn to appreciate the fact that what drives you is very different from what you're told should make you happy. You learn that it's okay to prefer your personal idea of heaven (live-tweeting zombie movies from under a blanket of kittens) rather than someone else's idea that fame/fortune/parties are the pinnacle we should all reach for. And there's something surprisingly freeing about that. — Jenny Lawson

The nurse had each of us put her head into a glowing machine that took a series of pictures of our faces and then she used those pictures to scare the ever-loving shit out of us. She showed us sun damage and scarring, and then she showed us the picture that made me stand up and shout, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? — Jenny Lawson

I always imagined that when I got pregnant it would be awesome and everything would go perfectly, and I'd pose for all those artfully naked, pregnant Demi Mooresque pictures and put them all over my house, and suddenly I'd have less cellulite, and then I'd go into labor while I was standing in line at the bank, but it would be okay because the baby would get stuck in my pants leg, so it totally wouldn't slam into the floor. Thank God for skinny jeans with maternity panels; am I right? — Jenny Lawson

I just realized that men get stiletto knives and women get stiletto shoes. This whole thing is fucked. — Jenny Lawson

I was in the midst of a medium-sized panic attack. — Jenny Lawson

She was right, but at the same time she reminded me why girls make both great and terrible friends: They actually listen to your goals, even when you're too drunk to know what you're saying. — Jenny Lawson

Because you are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them. And because there is joy in embracing - rather than running from - the utter absurdity of life. — Jenny Lawson

Laura, they rub your face off using DIAMONDS. — Jenny Lawson

It's called "concoctulary,"2 y'all. — Jenny Lawson

The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican. — Jenny Lawson

STAGE 2: You fall asleep for eight minutes and you have that dream where you've missed a semester of classes and don't know where you're supposed to be and when you wake up you realize that even in sleep you're fucking your life up. — Jenny Lawson

There will be moments when you have to be a grown-up. Those moments are tricks. Do not fall for them. — Jenny Lawson

Today an applicant who couldn't pass the typing test blamed it on me for giving her a trick keyboard because the keys weren't in alphabetical order. — Jenny Lawson

Knock-knock, motherfucker. — Jenny Lawson

The more I considered it, the more I realized how much I have in common with these koalas. We're both immunocompromised, lightly diseased, exhausted, and full of toxins. I'm totally a koala. — Jenny Lawson

Learning to combat boredom is a lesson in and of itself and it's one you don't have to drive your kid anywhere for them to learn. — Jenny Lawson

And suddenly we realize that the things we were ashamed of are the same things everyone deals with at one time or another. We are so much less alone than we think. — Jenny Lawson