Jenny Downham Quotes & Sayings

She wishes she was old. She'd swap her life to be in a life that was nearly over, so long as she didn't have to be here. — Jenny Downham

Funny how when life was that simple, you never really realized how lucky you were. — Jenny Downham

The inside of the door is glossy white. A total re-paint. I touch it with my fingers, but it stays the same. It's so bright it makes the room waver at the edges. Every few years we disappear. — Jenny Downham

If I learnt anything at all about terminal illness in my research, it's that the experience is different for everyone. I do believe that life becomes concentrated when it's boundaried and that death is the biggest boundary of all. — Jenny Downham

Katie had a grandmother who was a man-eater and a father who was a lothario. What chance did she have of being decent and honest and kind? She'd kissed two girls and one boy in the space of a few weeks, so these things were clearly genetic. — Jenny Downham

Her skin tasted expensive. — Jenny Downham

I don't give a shit, Dad!"
"Well I do! I absolutely give a shit! This will completely exhaust you."
"It's my body. I can do what I like!"
"So you don't care about your body now?"
"No, I'm sick of it! I'm sick of doctors and needles and blood tests and transfusions. I'm sick of being stuck in a bed day after day while the rest of you get on with your lives. I hate it! I hate all of you! Adam's gone for a university interview, did you know that? He's going to be here for years doing whatever he likes and I'm going to be under the ground in a couple of weeks! — Jenny Downham

We said we'd be friends.'
He looks confused. 'Yeah.'
I don't want to be.'
There's space between us, and in that space there's darkness. I take another step, so close that we share a breath. The same one. In and out.
Tess,' he says. I know it's a warning, but I don't care.
What's the worst thing that can happen?'
It'll hurt,' he says.
It already hurts.'
He nods very slowly. And it's like there's a hole in time, as if everything stops and in this one minute, where we look at each other so close, is spread out between us. As he leans towards me, I feel a strange warmth filtering through me. I forget that my brain is full of every sad face at every window I've ever passed. — Jenny Downham

Like a stone falling in a pond, circles and circles of love ripple through me. — Jenny Downham

Afterwards, go to a pub for lunch. I've got $260 in my savings account and I really want you to use it for that. Really, I mean it
lunch is on me. Make sure you have pudding
sticky toffee, chocolate fudge cake, ice-cream sundae, something really bad for you. Get drunk too if you like (but don't scare Cal). Spend all the money.
And after that, when days have gone by, keep an eye out for me. I might write on the steam in the mirror when you're having a bath, or play with the leaves on the apple tree when you're out in the garden. I might slip into a dream.
Visit my grave when you can, but don't kick yourself if you can't, or if you move house and it's suddenly too far away. It looks pretty there in the summer (check out the website). You could bring a picnic and sit with me. I'd like that. — Jenny Downham

I imagine horses in the engine, their manes flying, their breaths steaming, their nostrils flaring as they gallop. — Jenny Downham

A fine silver rain, like cobwebs falling. — Jenny Downham

Nurses never tell you what they know. They're hired for their cheeriness and the thickness of their hair. They need to look alive and healthy, to give the patients something to aim for. — Jenny Downham

Number two on my list is simple. I must say yes to everything for one whole day. Whatever it is and whoever asks it of me. — Jenny Downham

Hey, listen,' I say. " Fascinating as this is, we've got to go now. I have to collect the invites for my funeral."
That shuts them up. Fiona looks astonished." Really?
" Yeah." I grab Zoey's arm. "It's a shame i can't be there myself - i like parties. Text me if you think of any good hymns! — Jenny Downham

I feel something very small growing inside me as I look at her, and I realize in one absolutely clear moment that I don't like her at all.
'You know what?' I say. 'Forget it. I'll do the list by myself.'
She stands up, swings her stupid hair about and tries to look offended. It's a trick that works with guys, but it makes no difference to the way I feel about her. — Jenny Downham

Help me, Mikey, she wanted to say. I'm afraid. More afraid than you'd ever believe.' And he'd take her hand and they'd fly across the rooftops and up into space and sit on some planet and watch a double sunrise or maybe a star being born or some other event that no human had ever seen, her head on his shoulder, his arm around her. And she'd tell him everything. — Jenny Downham

Was this love? Because it hurt. It felt like a bit of glass stuck somewhere important - his heart or his head. And it was throbbing.
Novel You Against Me — Jenny Downham

Every seven years our bodies change, every cell. Every seven years, we disappear. — Jenny Downham

Do you want this to be a love story? — Jenny Downham

I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish he lived in the wardrobe on a coat hanger. Whenever I wanted, I could get him out and he'd look at me the way boys do in films, as if I'm beautiful. — Jenny Downham

I used to believe that Dad could do anything, save me from anything. But he can't, he's just a man. — Jenny Downham

When he thought about her, he remembered her at the cottage, her eyes fiery, daring to love him. But standing here in front of him , she looked defeated and sad. — Jenny Downham

When my second child was born, I gave up acting - two young children out on the road was too difficult to manage. I'd always written, but began to do so with real commitment now that it was my only creative outlet. I used all my acting techniques to do it. I still do. — Jenny Downham

It's as if a child with a brush and too much enthusiasm has been set free with a tin of black paint inside me. — Jenny Downham

Her face crashes. She hasn't dealt with a single transfusion or lumbar puncture. She wasn't allowed near me for the bone-marrow transplant, but she could have been there for any number of diagnoses, and wasn't. Even her promises to visit more often have faded away with Christmas. It's her turn to taste some reality. — Jenny Downham

It's really going to happen. I really won't ever go back to school. Not ever. I'll never be famous or leave anything worthwhile behind. I'll never go to college or have a job. I won't see my brother grow up. I won't travel, never earn money, never drive, never fall in love or leave home or get my own house.
It's really, really true.
A thought stabs up, growing from my toes and ripping through me, until it stifles everything else and becomes the only thing I'm thinking. It fills me up like a silent scream. — Jenny Downham

I made a fatal error thinking he could save me. — Jenny Downham

I've been told there are five stages of grief, and if that's true, then he's stuck in stage one; denial. — Jenny Downham

I said I wouldn't leave her. — Jenny Downham

We make patterns, we share moments. Sometimes, I think I'm the only one to see it. — Jenny Downham

That slow smile again. I love that smile! DId I think he was ugly just now? No, his face is transformed. — Jenny Downham

I don't think words reach people. Maybe nothing does — Jenny Downham

Cal says that humans are made from the nuclear ash of dead stars. He says that when I die, I'll return to dust, glitter,rain. If thats true, I want to be buried right here under this tree. Its roots will reach into the soft mess of my body and suck me dry. I'll be re-formed as apple blossom. I'll drift down in the spring like confetti and cling to my family's shoes. They'll carry me in their pockets to help them sleep. What dreams will they have then? — Jenny Downham

I shrug him off. 'Can't you just go away?
There's a moment. It has a sound in it, as if something very small got broken. — Jenny Downham

The shops in High Street still have their metal grilles down, blank-eyed and sleeping. My name is scrawled across them all. I'm outside Ajay's newsagent's. I'm on the expensive shutters of the health food store. I'm massive on Handie's furniture shop, King's Chicken Joint and the Barbecue Cafe. I thread the pavement outside the bank and all the way to Mothercare. I've possessed the road and am a glistening circle at the roundabout. — Jenny Downham

No, really. I free you.'
I don't want to be free. — Jenny Downham

You changed the rules of the universe when you fell in love with the enemy. — Jenny Downham

Parents don't know their children at all.
No one knows anyone, in fact. — Jenny Downham

Is this how it is for everyone?' she whispered.
'No.'
'How do you know?'
'I just do. I've never felt this with anyone before.'
'Serious?'
'Serious. That isn't a line.'
'Kiss me,' she said.
He did. Everywhere. — Jenny Downham

The light is heart-breaking. — Jenny Downham

What happens if anger takes you over, Tessa? Who will you be then? What will be left of you? — Jenny Downham

Alchemy, Dex called it, which was something to do with magic if you were French. — Jenny Downham

She breathed her mantra - fire, earth, water, air - and told herself that the elements were older and stronger than any human and that these girls were insignificant, and one day they'd all be dust. — Jenny Downham

I sit up in bed and watch her fiddle about in the back of my wardrobe. I think she's got a plan. That's what's good about Zoey. She'd better hurry up though, because I'm starting to think of things like carrots. And air. And ducks. And pear trees. Velvet and silk. Lakes. I'm going to miss ice. And the sofa. And the lounge. And the way Cal loves magic tricks. And white things- milk, snow, swans. — Jenny Downham

Adam will climb over the fence to steal me, maddened by my scent, by my roundness, the shine and health of me. — Jenny Downham

I'm me and you're you, and all of them out there are them. And we're all so different and equally unimportant. — Jenny Downham

Dad, you played rounders with me, even though you hated it and wished I'd take up cricket. You learned how to keep a stamp collecion because I wanted to know. For hours you sat in hospitals and never, not once, complained. You brushed my hair like a mother should. You gave up work for me, friends for me, four years of your life for me. You never moaned. Hardly ever. You let me have Adam. You let me have my list. I was outrageous. Wanting, wanting so much. And you never said, 'That's enough. Stop now. — Jenny Downham

We make patterns, we share moments. — Jenny Downham

Should we say something?' Cal asks.
'Goodbye, bird?' I suggest.
He nods. 'Goodbye, bird. Thank you for coming. And good luck. — Jenny Downham

You want some sweet and lovely things, Tessa, but be careful. Other people can't always give you what you want. — Jenny Downham

I didn't understand that when you make love, you actually do MAKE love. Stir things. Affect each other. The breath that escapes from me is dazzled. He breathes it in with a gasp. — Jenny Downham

I want a magician with a cloak and wand, or a knight with a sword, someone fearless. — Jenny Downham

But all that is warm will go cold. My ears will fall off and my eyes will melt. My mouth will be clamped shut. My lips will turn to glue.
... No taste or smell or touch or sound.Nothing to look at. Total emptiness for ever. — Jenny Downham

I wish it was possible to smear cancer cells onto his arse. — Jenny Downham

Cal says, Do you want to see my Megazord? You'll have to come to my room because it's defending a city and if I move it, everyone will die. — Jenny Downham

When I was four I almost fell down the shaft of a tin mine and when I was five the car rolled over on the motorway and when I was seven we went on holiday and the gas ring blew out in the caravan and nobody noticed
I've been dying all my life — Jenny Downham

Maybe you should say goodbye, Cal.'
'No.'
'It might be important.'
'It might make her die. — Jenny Downham

I'm going because my life was crap until I met you. I'm going because I don't want to be here when you're not, still living with my mum and nothing being any different. I wouldn't even be thinking about going if it hadn't been for you. — Jenny Downham

When I first saw Ellie, I knew it was her
she was my fantasy. I didn't want it to be true, but every time I met her it was obvious, and the funny thing was that she was better than the fantasy, like I got more stuff than I'd imagined. — Jenny Downham

It's utterly beautiful not to know my own edges. — Jenny Downham

He says, 'Anything could be happening down there, but up here you just wouldn't know it.'
I know what he means. It could be pandemonium in all those little houses, everyone's dreams in a mess. But up here feels peaceful. Clean. — Jenny Downham

Simona: Truth doesn't exist?
Katie: ...because everyone's got their own side of a story
...If there's no real truth, then all we can do is offer up our own stories and listen to other people's and try and make sense of it all — Jenny Downham

I don't want to go into a fridge at an undertaker's. I want you to keep me at home until the funeral. Please can someone sit with me in case I get lonely? I promise not to scare you. — Jenny Downham

It's all right, Tessa, you can go. We love you. You can go now.'
'Why are you saying that?'
'She might need permission to die, Cal.'
'I don't want her to. She doesn't have my permission. — Jenny Downham

Hold my hand. Don't let go. — Jenny Downham

A glimpse of light reflected in his eyes. Stars shining there perhaps. Or the moon. — Jenny Downham

When he isn't with me, I think ive made him up. — Jenny Downham

I'm here, Tess. I'm right here, holding your hand. Adam's here, too, he's sitting on the other side of the bed. And Cal. Mum's on her way, she'll be just a minute. We all love you, Tessa. We're all right here with you. — Jenny Downham

I want to die in my own way. It's my illness, my death, my choice. This is what saying yes means. — Jenny Downham

It was only one man who had gone, but it felt like forever, something so permanent and unstoppable that it blasted her. If she were a tree, she would drop all her leaves. — Jenny Downham

She'll understand what I already know - that death surrounds us all. And it tastes like metal between your teeth. — Jenny Downham

Why do I feel like you're not on my side anymore? Please don't give up on me. — Jenny Downham

And in bed, deep inside the building, are all the headaches that won't go away. The failed kidneys, the rashes, the ragged-edged moles, the lumps on the breast, the coughs that have turned nasty. In the Marie Curie Ward on the fourth floor are the kids with cancer. Their bodies secretly and slowly being consumed.
And then there's the mortuary, where the dead lie in refrigerated drawers with name tags on their feet. — Jenny Downham

It comes and goes. People think if you're sick you become fearless and brave, but you don't. Most of the time it's like being stalked by a psycho, like I might get shot any second. But sometimes I forget for hours.'
'What makes you forget?'
'People. Doing stuff. When I was with you in the wood, I forgot for a whole afternoon. — Jenny Downham

If she planted a seed, she'd have to dig it back up and look at it every day to see if it was growing yet. — Jenny Downham

Adam blows smoke at the town below. Says, 'Anything could be happening down there, but up here you just wouldn't know it. — Jenny Downham

I can see inside planes!' he yells. 'Come and look!'
It's difficult climbing in a mini dress ... I haul myself up even though my arms ache. I want to see inside planes too. I want to watch the wind and catch birds in my fist. — Jenny Downham

I want a big dark room you can barely move in, with bodies grinding close together. I want to hear a thousand songs played incredibly loud. I want to dance so fast that my hair grows long enough to trample on. I want my voice to be thunderous above the throb of bass. I want to get so hot that I have to crunch ice in my mouth. — Jenny Downham

Spring is a powerful spell.
The blue. The clouds high up and puffy. The air warmer than it's been for weeks. — Jenny Downham

There's a gang of boys on bikes blocking the road ahead. They've got their hoods up, cigarettes shielded. The sky's a really strange colour and there's hardly anyone else about. I slow right down.
"What shall I do?"
"Reverse," Zoey says. "They're not going to move."
I wind down the window. "Oi!" I yell "Move your arses!"
They turn languid, shift lazily to the edge of the road and grin as I blow kisses at them.
Zoey looks stunned, "What's got into you?"
"Nothing- I just haven't learned reversing yet. — Jenny Downham

Humans are made from nuclear ash of dead stars — Jenny Downham

Don't pretend to care. I don't need you as an anesthetic. — Jenny Downham

It was strange how words meant something when they came out of your mouth. Inside your head they were safe and silent, but once they were outside, people grabbed hold of them. — Jenny Downham

A little bird moves a mountain of sand one grain at a time it picks up one grain every million years and when the mountain has been moved the bird puts it all back again and that's how long eternity is and that's a very long time to be dead — Jenny Downham

She'd never in her whole life bunked school, smoked dope, or kissed a boy whose name she didn't know, and yet in the last few days, she'd done all these things. — Jenny Downham

He falls asleep quickly. I lie awake and listen to lights being switched off all over the town. Whispered
goodnights. The drowsy creak of bedsprings.
I find Adam's hand and hold it tight.
I'm glad that night porters and nurses and long-distance lorry drivers exist. It comforts me to know that
in other countries with different time zones, women are washing clothes in rivers and children are filing to
school. Somewhere in the world right now, a boy is listening to the merry chink of a goat's bell as he
walks up a mountain. I'm very glad about that. — Jenny Downham

Day after day it was as if someone had taken my life apart and polished every bit of it really carefully before putting it all back together. — Jenny Downham

My thoughts are so clear that I wouldn't be surprised if he could see them blazing above my head like a neon sign outside a fish and chip shop. I fancy you. — Jenny Downham

Like a tree losing its leaves. I forget even the thing I was thinking. — Jenny Downham

I miss him as soon as he goes. When he isn't with me, I think I made him up. — Jenny Downham

I want you to be with me in the dark. To hold me. To keep loving me. To help me when I get scared. To come right to the edge and see what's there. — Jenny Downham

It hurts and hurts to have him this close. I feel sick with it. — Jenny Downham

Humans are made from the nuclear ash of dead stars. He says that when I die, I'll return to dust, glitter, rain. — Jenny Downham

And now he's down this for me. He's made me famous. He's put my name on the world. — Jenny Downham

I get a lot of letters, mostly from family members who have been affected by cancer rather than young people themselves. I reply to them all. — Jenny Downham

I'd like to go home now,' she said softly. She hoped someone would show her the way. — Jenny Downham

Ill haunt you,' I tell him. 'But from inside. Every time you cough you'll think of me. — Jenny Downham

. . . my bones they'll burn or bury. It'll be my death. — Jenny Downham

Three points for the dead slowly prising open the lids of their coffins. They want to hunt the living. They can't stop. Their throats have turned to liquid and their fingers glint under the weak autumn sun. — Jenny Downham