Jennifer Crusie Quotes & Sayings

Hello. I like you naked. Never wear clothes again. — Jennifer Crusie

If you haven't failed, you're not trying hard enough. — Jennifer Crusie

I like my afterglow with you in motion. I measure time by how your body sways. — Jennifer Crusie

They stared at each other for a moment, perplexed by their newfound siblinghood. 'So we're the Luke and Leia of hell,' Mab said. — Jennifer Crusie

nfatuation lasts anywhere from six months to three years, and you can't know you've found the right person until you're worked your way through it. — Jennifer Crusie

Where were all the women gamblers? It wasn't as if being a woman wasn't a huge risk all by itself. Twenty-eight percent of female homocide victims were killed by husbands or lovers.
Which, come to think of it, was probably why there weren't any women gamblers. Living with men was enough of a gamble. — Jennifer Crusie

Very few people mate for life with the people they fall for at twelve. Doesn't mean is isn't real, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean it doesn't matter, but basically, we're talking a practice swing in the big game of love. — Jennifer Crusie

Drink to me! I just realized that I've slept with everyone at this table! ~Nell — Jennifer Crusie

Any instructions?" Carpenter said. "Yeah," Shane said. "Shoot anybody who looks at Agnes funny. And anybody else you don't like. I'm getting tired of this shi*." "Somebody needs a hug," Carpenter said. "Humor," Shane said. "Har. — Jennifer Crusie

That's a movie quote, right? You know, if you do that with books, people think you're intelligent."
Sophie lowered her chin. "If this is your pathetic attempt to seduce me again, you're falling miserably."
"I don't seduce woman." Phin shoved back his chair and stood up. "They fall into my open arms."
"Clumsy of them. — Jennifer Crusie

Everything outside of here is vulnerable, but this tower, this room, is where we can make a stand if we have to. This is our Alamo."
"Everybody died at the Alamo. What's the midway, the Little Big Horn?" Ethan looked at her, exasperated. She shrugged. "I'm just saying that ifyou want to rally the troops, avoid the A word. — Jennifer Crusie

Look, Mother, I am never going to be thin.
I'm Norwegian. If you wanted a thin daughter, you should not have married a man whose female ancestors carried cows home from the pasture — Jennifer Crusie

Part of being a writer is defending your vision and not caving in to outside pressures. — Jennifer Crusie

Dont shave,I like it..It helps with one of my new fantasies."
"Yeah ?"Zack shifted a little to the center on top of him for maximum pleasure."What new fantasy is that ?"
Lucy grinned,the sleepiness in her smile melting into guile."The one about the innocent schoolteacher and the vicious,uncivilized cop.Want to play ?"
"Sure."Zack ran his hands up her back."Who do you want to be ?"
"I,of course will be the innocent schoolteacher"Lucy batted her eyes at him.
"Which makes me the cop.All right you have the right to remain naked."
Lucy laughed. — Jennifer Crusie

I've been spending a lot of time out of here, Harry said. Thank God I don't have a date tonight. This would not be in easy smell to explain. — Jennifer Crusie

First, I'm not getting married, so you can forget the wife. Second, if I was insane enough to get married, I wouldn't have kids. Third, if I was insane enough to get married and have kids, it would be a cold day in hell I'd let you babysit. — Jennifer Crusie

Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times." He shook his head. "A bar would not be a good career move for you. — Jennifer Crusie

Nothing but good times ahead. — Jennifer Crusie

After you die, you're going to hell for being a dishonest bastard, and you'll burn for eternity."
The guy snatched his hand back. "I don't believe in Hell."
"Most people don't until they get there." Mab smiled at him. "Of course, if you stop lying and cheating, you can probably redeem yourself. If not, have them put marshmallows in your coffin. There's a bight side to everything, I always say. — Jennifer Crusie

She slid out from under his arm, and picked up his shirt from the floor. When she put it on, it failed to meet in the middle over her chest. that always worked in the movies, she thought, disgusted, and dropped it on the floor. — Jennifer Crusie

Kate picked up her coffee cup, frowning when she saw it was empty. "Did you drink my coffee?"
"Yes. I was feeling aggressive. — Jennifer Crusie

His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action. — Jennifer Crusie

Say, 'Thank you, Phin.' "
"Oh, please."
"Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. "
"I don't think so."
"Say, 'You are a great lover, Phin.' "
"I'm out of here. — Jennifer Crusie

I could shove this swizzle stick through his heart, Min thought. She would'nt do it, of course. The stick was plastic and not nearly pointed enough on the end. — Jennifer Crusie

Mason was leaving her for a fifty-four-year-old woman who didn't moisturize — Jennifer Crusie

Christ, I'm in a Doris Day movie — Jennifer Crusie

I'm thirty-four."
"You don't look thirty-four."
"That's because I'm not married." Mae's smile felt as if it were set in concrete. "Marriage tends to age a woman. — Jennifer Crusie

The attendant opened the door, and the faint barking Nina had heard before became frantic and shrill. Nina stepped into the concrete cell block and stopped, blown out of her self-absorption by the row of gray metal cages where dogs barked to get her attention. She let her breath out, horrified. "Oh, God, this is awful." "Spay your pets." The attendant stopped in front of the next to last cage. "Here you go." She jerked her head again. "Perky." Nina — Jennifer Crusie

Every species has a dinner date as part of courting ritual. A woman who won't let you pay for dinner is rejecting your courtship. She may think she's playing fair, or that she's being a feminist, but a very deep level, she knows that she's crossing you off her list of possibilities. — Jennifer Crusie

I adored you," North said. "I just didn't tell you. You were the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. Nothing else like you in my world before or since. I was crazy about you. I still am. Ten years later you walk into my office and I see you and it's like the first time, I can't think, I can't talk, I just need you with me. It makes me crazy, but now that I've got you back ... You're everything, Andie. I should have told you that before. — Jennifer Crusie

Everything will be fine. Nothing but good times ahead. — Jennifer Crusie

I have to give birth to be a good Ameican? No. There are more than four million babies born in this country every year. The American Way is covered. If it worries you, you can have extra to make up for mine. — Jennifer Crusie

[ ... ] I have a date this afternoon."
"Oh, Lord." Jake closed his eyes. "Who are you going to destroy now?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"The hotel would appreciate it if you'd just throw back the men you don't like without maiming them."
"I haven't maimed anyone."
"You almost drowned Lance, you scared Peter into heart palpitations, you stabbed Donald with a fork, and you hit Brad over the head with a bottle." Jake shook his head. "And they still ask you out. — Jennifer Crusie

She met his eyes and playing fair lost its appeal. "You are not going to forget me," she said, her chin up. "I don't give a damn what your plans are, you still want me. Just don't expect me to sit around waiting
until you get your commitment problem worked out because I'm getting a brand-new life with this haircut, and it's going to include a brand-new sex life, too. Sorry you won't be joining me. — Jennifer Crusie

Be sober, be vigilant because your adversary the Devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. — Jennifer Crusie

No more pep talks about believing in toads," Liza said.
"Don't they turn into princeses when you kiss them?" Bonnie said.
"Thats frogs," Liza Said. "Entirely different species. — Jennifer Crusie

Feel no guilt. Getting married and giving birth does not mean that you have sold your life away to perfectly healthy people who can get their own damn socks. — Jennifer Crusie

You got shot at and you still got me an air conditioner. — Jennifer Crusie

You know who you remind me of? The kid cop in Lethal Weapon 3. You know, the one who says, 'it's my twenty-first birthday today', and right away you know he's dead meat? — Jennifer Crusie

I'll never forget my first time with you' Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. 'The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at lunch. — Jennifer Crusie

North is a powerful man, and you're still connected to him." Flo frowned. "Probably sexual memory, those Capricorns are insatiable. Well, you know. Sea Goat. And of course, you're a Fish. You'll end up back in bed with him."
Andie slammed the car door. "You know what I'd like for Christmas, Flo? Boundaries. You can gift me early if you'd like. — Jennifer Crusie

Real life doesn't have to suck. — Jennifer Crusie

Allie put her chin on his shoulder to look into the carton. He had great shoulders and Chinese food. At the moment, he was the perfect man. — Jennifer Crusie

I'm fine," Kate said. "In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better."
"Bad deduction," Jessie said. "If that were true, I'd be dating Harrison Ford by now. — Jennifer Crusie

As far as I'm concerned the last good man went when Elvis died. — Jennifer Crusie

Luke is the father of the heart, Richard is the father of the mind, and Christopher is the father of the body. — Jennifer Crusie

Tomorrow we go back to normal?"
"Sure," Mab said. "It'll be like none of this happened. Except I'll still be pregnant, and you'll still be making dragons, and Glenda will still be pretending that Dreamland is Cancun, and Weaver will still own the only green velvet demon in captivity. Other than that, perfectly normal."
"I just meant no demons trying to kill us," Cindy said. "My baseline for normal is a lot lower than yours. — Jennifer Crusie

I'm gonna have to get my eyes checked. I can't see crap until it's right in front of me — Jennifer Crusie

He looked like every glossy frat boy in every nerd movie ever made, like every popular town boy who'd ever looked right through her in high school, like every rotten rich kid who'd ever belonged where she hadn't.
My mama warned me about guys like you.
He turned to her as if he'd heard her and took off his sunglasses, and she went down the steps to meet him, wiping her sweaty palms on her dust-smeared khaki shorts. "Hi, I'm Sophie Dempsey," she said, flashing the Dempsey gotta-love-me grin as she held out her hot, grimy hand, and after a moment he took it.
His hand was clean and cool and dry, and her heart pounded harder as she looked into his remote, gray eyes.
"Hello, Sophie Dempsey," her worst nightmare said. "Welcome to Temptation. — Jennifer Crusie

I'm stuck in the old me, and I don't know how to get out. I just know the old me isn't the real me anymore. — Jennifer Crusie

Values aren't buses," she said shortly. "They're not supposed to get you anywhere. They're supposed to define who you are. And I'd rather be touchy-feely than morally bankrupt. — Jennifer Crusie

Everybody's crooked. The trick is to find out how they're bent. — Jennifer Crusie

Davy's kiss tasted like vodka and disaster, and even while she kissed him back, Tilda thought, I'm never going into a closet with this man again. He slipped his hand under her T-shirt, and she said, "You know," as his hand slid up to her breast, but the only thing left to say was, I'm not that kind of girl, and of course she was. — Jennifer Crusie

It's a good thing he broke up with you because now you're free for when the right man finds you. Your prince is on his way."
"Right. I'm sure he was on his way but a truck hit him. — Jennifer Crusie

Really, The smart thing to do was to stop dating and get a cat. — Jennifer Crusie

The last time I saw a brow that low I was watching slides in anthropology class — Jennifer Crusie

Sometimes stories are just previews of coming truths. — Jennifer Crusie

She gave Rachel her usual obsessively loving smile, including Phin in it, too, as her future son-in-law. Such a nice couple, her smile said. What lovely grandchildren they'll give me. And they'll live right next door.
Phin's answering smile said, Not a chance in hell, while Rachel gazed at Justice and Mercy, pretending she'd never heard of pornography or sex, or Phin, for that matter. — Jennifer Crusie

I even yelled at you last night." Phin eased up. "For which I apologize."
"It was kind of nice," Sophie said. "At least you know I was there."
"Oh hell, Spohie, I always know you're there." Phin rolled twords her on one hip, and Sophie felt felt a flare of hope, but he was just digging something out of his back pocket. "Here." He weld out an emerald-cut diamond ring the size of her head. "Marry me, Julie Ann. Ruin the rest of my life."
"Hello." Sophie gasped at the ring. "Jeez, that thing is huge. Where did you get it?"
"My mother gave it to me," Phin said sounding bemused.
Then the other shoe dropped. "Marry you?" Sophie said, and the sun came out and the birds to sing and the river sent up a cheer. Marriage was probably out- Liz as a mother-in-law was too terrifying to complete , and Phin would never get elected agian if he was married to a pornographer- but suddenly everything else was looking pretty good. — Jennifer Crusie

Phin spared a moment of sympathy for Frank until he looked back and saw him at the bar, leaning into Clea's cleavage. Get a grip, Frank, he thought, and then he looked down Sophie's dress and thought, Never mind, Frank. — Jennifer Crusie

Don't even think about it."
"Well, when can I walk by myself?"
"When you get your driver's license."
"You always, always say that." Dillie scowled at him. "That's when everything happens."
"It's going to be a busy day," Phin agreed. — Jennifer Crusie

What are we going to do with the body?" She had visions of dragging it into the swamp, whispering, "Here, gator, gator," and she made a little sound of distress at the thought. — Jennifer Crusie

And why do you want to be near me?
Because you're all I can think about, day and night. I don't know what the hell is going on with us; I only know I can't get rid of it. I don't care if you're batshit insane and think you're the reincarnation of Cleopatra. I hear voices; you hear dogs. We'll work it out. Maybe get a discount on therapy. — Jennifer Crusie

I swear," Nell said, walking faster, "you're looking at a life of hamburger and no yelling." She held the dachshund closer, and it sighed this time and put its head on her arm, and she stopped to look down into
its eyes. "Hello," she said, and SugarPie stared back, pathetic and wide-eyed in the glow from the streetlight, her eyelashes fluttering like a Southern belle confronted by a Yankee. — Jennifer Crusie

Paris is Rory without Lorelai's influence to draw her out of her books and into the wider world. — Jennifer Crusie

What happened to the good old days when rich white men just bought their way into office? — Jennifer Crusie

Well, I know better what I don't want. I don't want somebody who's always nagging me to be something I'm not. And I don't want somebody who thinks she knows what's best for me and who maneuvers around trying to get me to do things her way."

Kate frowned. "Nobody wants anyone like that. It's like saying, 'I don't want someone who'll poke me in the eye with a sharp stick.' Forget what you don't want. What do you want? — Jennifer Crusie

You have to open up to the world and learn optimism ... Contentment with the past, happiness with the present, and hope for the future. Learned optimisim. — Jennifer Crusie

But I'm not calm. It's all a lie." Quinn held Katie closer, breathing faster. "It's just that when everybody else is screaming, somebody has to be mature and unemotional, so I have these brain-dead moments where I don't react the way any sane human being would. I stay completely calm and ignore my feelings and compromise and make everything work again. And I'm not going to do that anymore. From now on, I'm going to be Zoe. Screw calm. Somebody else is going to have to do mature because I'm going to be selfish and get what I want. — Jennifer Crusie

Of course it hurt you neanderthal! See that? Thats blood. If theres blood, theres pain. Its like smoke and fire. — Jennifer Crusie

Infatuation lasts anywhere from six months to three years, and you can't know you've found the right person until you've worked your way through it. You quit — Jennifer Crusie

Values aren't buses ... They're not supposed to get you anywhere. They're supposed to define who you are. — Jennifer Crusie

In the bad old days, men kept women from choosing to work. In the bad new days, women keep women from choosing to stay home. — Jennifer Crusie

Elvis!" Min shoved herself off the couch to shoo him away. "Stay away from there. There's broken glass."
"He did that on purpose," David said, outraged.
"Yes, David, the cat is plotting against you." Min fished the base out of the water and glass shards and put it on the table. Then she went to get her wastebasket and began to put the glass pieces in it. — Jennifer Crusie

She pushed him onto the couch and straddled him ...
Min swallowed "the thing is, im going to spread. Hips, thighs-"
"Not till nine-thirty," Cal said trying not to picture her.
"-waist," Min said then stopped. "What? nine-thirty? Not till my forties, probably, i think i can fight it off that long, but then-"
"What?" Cal said.
"Im going to get fat," Min said, and he blinked. "Er. Im going to get fatter." she frowned at him. "what did you think i meant?"
"for future reference," he said starting to laugh. "if you're sitting half naked on my lap and you tell me you're going to spread-"
"No! I would never say that!" she said. — Jennifer Crusie

Life is more than great sex and a nice car."
"Well, yeah. But not a lot more. — Jennifer Crusie

He won't say no, but who cares if he does? Do it. Hell, guys go through this every time they make a move on a woman, and none of them has died yet. In many cases, that is, of course, unfortunate, but rejection is definitely not lethal. Go get him. — Jennifer Crusie

It was a lot easier when we could just brand'em," Ben said. "Then everybody'd know not to mess with our womenfolk. — Jennifer Crusie

It was possible to love someone and hate him at the same time. — Jennifer Crusie

If you can look at somebody and say, 'I never loved you, you were a mistake,' that's one thing. But if you look at him and say, 'You were everything and I poisoned it because I wouldn't stand up for myself,' that's hard. That's too hard ... — Jennifer Crusie

I'm Min's fairy godmother, Charm Boy,' Liza said, frowning down at him. 'And if you don't give her a happily ever after, I'm going to come back and beat you to death with a snow globe.'
What happened to "bibbity bobbity boo"?' Cal asked Min.
That was Disney, honey,' Min said. 'It wasn't a documentary. — Jennifer Crusie

This is making me crazy. I hate relying on other people to save me, I hate being clingy, I hate it, and every time you show up, I lean on you. - Matilda Scarlet Veronica Betty Vilma Goodnight — Jennifer Crusie

What about the check?" Suze said.
"Pay it," he called back. "This is your party."
"I don't like him," Suze said to Margie.
Margie slid out of the booth. "Think of him as a growth experience."
"Oh, good, I've been wanting one of those," Suze said and tossed a twenty on the table. It was too much, but she was in a hurry to steal a dog. — Jennifer Crusie

You're not by any chance my stepmother are you?" Min said to her mother's reflection. "Because that would explain so much. — Jennifer Crusie

Would she hit a dog to get great sex? — Jennifer Crusie

The thing about love is, you don't get to choose," Suze said.

"You just wake up one day and there it is, sitting at the foot of the bed, going 'nyah, nyah, gotcha,' and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. — Jennifer Crusie

Can we go to work now? Because we're about a minute away from breaking out the
ice cream and talking about our feelings, and I don't think we can come back from that. — Jennifer Crusie

Quinn talked with her entire body: arms, eyes, shoulders, mouth. She was performance art, so alive that sometimes he argued with her just so he could watch her flush and gesture. — Jennifer Crusie

So I know you must have a plan and this wolf - "
"Beast," Min said.
" - frog, whatever, can't fit your plan."
"He's not a frog," Min said. "I kissed him and he did not turn into a prince."He turned into a god. No,
he didn't . "Look, I'm never going to see him again, so everybody can relax. — Jennifer Crusie

Your cat just got cat hair on me." "It's only fair," Min said. "Your suit just got expensive suit lint on him. — Jennifer Crusie

Have you ever met a woman you wanted to give everything to?
just turn over everything you had?
-Davy Dempsey- — Jennifer Crusie

That woman needs protecting like Rambo needs a bodyguard. — Jennifer Crusie

There was something about having a plan for dinner, a recipe in hand, that made her feel much less hostile about food. — Jennifer Crusie

Dempseys are never in trouble. We just have stretches of life that are more interesting than others. — Jennifer Crusie

When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work. — Jennifer Crusie

King scratched at the door to be let out."
Charlie snorted. "King obviously has a lot of stamina. I'd have been clawing
at the door a lot sooner if I was trapped in a booth with Mark."
"But Mark ignored him, so King ... uh, pooped."
Charlie grinned. "And then?"
"Mark yelled at him and scared him." Harry fought back a grin. "So King
pooped again."
Charlie's grin widened. "Mark is an idiot."
"So then Mark waved the script at him, and King - "
"Pooped again." Charlie started to laugh.
"Then Marcia came in and threw a fit because of all the poop in the booth and because Mark was mistreating a puppy. She gave him ten minutes to get the booth clean, and she took the dog away from him. — Jennifer Crusie

Wonder of wonders, the box had Elvis. Immediately the bar seemed a better place. She fed in coins and then punched the keys for "Hound Dog." Too bad Elvis had never recorded one called "Dickhead. — Jennifer Crusie

You've lived in America for twenty years. Eat badly, damn it. — Jennifer Crusie

Bet you ten bucks we make it." What are the odds? she thought, and realized with sudden, blinding clarity that she wouldn't take the other side of that bet, that only a loser would bet against them. This is really it, she thought, amazed. This is really forever. I believe in this. "Min?" he said, and she kissed him, putting all her heart into it. "No bet," she said against his mouth. "Your odds are too good." "Our odds are too good — Jennifer Crusie

He loved her all he could; but he couldn't love her very much. — Jennifer Crusie