Jeff VanVonderen Quotes & Sayings

God simply revealed the self-centered core that began to motivate each of them: The woman would continue to try to draw life and nurturing from a man who was not capable of filling these deep needs - never was and never will be. And the man would be forever trying to rule over the woman, either aggressively or passively trying to keep her quiet about his inadequacy to fill her needs. — Jeff VanVonderen

I cannot make my kids obey. But I can control my responses to their disobedience - that is, I can respect their choices and provide wise consequences for their actions, so they can learn just as much about wisdom from disobeying as from obeying. And I can respond in ways that create an environment in which their poor choices are their problem. — Jeff VanVonderen

When you get so tired that you realize you cannot generate righteousness, come on back and I'll tell you about a gift. — Jeff VanVonderen

The truth is never the problem; The problem is always the problem. — Jeff VanVonderen

The wife's list, no matter how long or short, communicates to the husband, "I don't like you. I don't accept you. But if you perform the way I think you should, then I will like and accept you." And no matter how long the husband's list may be, it says in like manner to his wife, "I don't like you either. But if you stop caring about things so much, if you stop feeling the way you feel and noticing the things you notice, then I will accept and like you. — Jeff VanVonderen

Your children should not have to act appropriately so that you can feel like a valuable person. It is not their job to validate you or erase past relationship indictments against you with their performance. In a healthy Christian family children are not there for the adults, adults are there to be resources for their children. — Jeff VanVonderen

the message of spiritual abuse is always the same: "God won't love you, unless ..." or "God will only love you if ... — Jeff VanVonderen

In other words, children's choices are their responsibility, and result from how they decide to meet their own needs. Once you understand this, you can learn to stop interpreting their choices as statements about you. When your kids act weird in front of the in-laws, it is about their choices, not about your value as a person. Grace-full in-laws will already know that. You need to know that too. Otherwise, you will parent to fix your kids, so that when they are fixed, you are fixed. You will parent to control, not to serve. How things look and what people think will become more important than what is real. — Jeff VanVonderen

Parents know all about the verses related to how children should behave but not so much about those that remind them about how they should behave. — Jeff VanVonderen