Jay London Quotes & Sayings

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast. — Jay London

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it. — Jay London

You know what burns me? Matches. — Jay London

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who? — Jay London

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here? — Jay London

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody. — Jay London

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults. — Jay London

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality. — Jay London

People read me but they don't subscribe. — Jay London

A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked. — Jay London

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time. — Jay London

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road. — Jay London

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart, — Jay London

I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger. — Jay London

Do you know it was a year a ago today? — Jay London

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride ... it's not much but at least I have my pride. — Jay London

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling. — Jay London

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you? — Jay London

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else. — Jay London

His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable. — Jay London

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm. — Jay London

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. — Jay London

My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless. — Jay London

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings. — Jay London

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock. — Jay London

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow. — Jay London

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out. — Jay London

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough. — Jay London

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out. — Jay London

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese. — Jay London

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness. — Jay London

I was born nine months premature. — Jay London

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world. — Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. — Jay London

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. — Jay London

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me. — Jay London