Jane Wagner Quotes & Sayings

Just think: your family are the people most likely to give you the flu. — Jane Wagner

If you are a human being, you might as well face it. You are going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. — Jane Wagner

It's hard to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at the same time. — Jane Wagner

I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu! — Jane Wagner

Nothing makes you realize you don't know what you want more than getting what you want. — Jane Wagner

I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you. — Jane Wagner

Unless you are at a picnic, life is no picnic. — Jane Wagner

I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle, I found it too confining. It was just too needful; it expected me to be there for it all the time, and with all I have to do
I had to let something go. — Jane Wagner

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? — Jane Wagner

People don't need sex so much as they need to be listened to. — Jane Wagner

I am sick of being the victim of trends I reflect but don't even understand. — Jane Wagner

I feel like my life is just passing me by like two ships in the night. And I have missed both boats. — Jane Wagner

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from? — Jane Wagner

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
— Jane Wagner

To me the term "sexual feedom" meant freedom from having sex — Jane Wagner

You don't know what it's like! Hyperactive twins! When they turned three, my doctor prescribed Ritalin
I wouldn't dream of giving a drug to my children, but it does help when I take it myself. — Jane Wagner

I even worry about reflective flea collars. Oh, sure, drivers can see them glow in the dark, but so can the fleas. — Jane Wagner

Like what's the point being a health nut by day if you're a coke head at night. — Jane Wagner

I worry that our lives are like soap operas. We can go for months and not tune in to them, then six months later we look in and the same stuff is still going on. — Jane Wagner

When I first came into this world, Elvis was already fat. — Jane Wagner

My space chums think reality was once a primitive method of crowd control that got out of hand. In my view, it's absurdity dressed up in a three-piece business suit. — Jane Wagner

If evolution was worth its salt, by now it should've evolved something better than survival of the fittest. I think a better idea would be survival of the wittiest. — Jane Wagner

The truth can be made up if you know how. — Jane Wagner

What you try to bury just ends up burying you. — Jane Wagner

Frankly, goin' crazy was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't say it's for everybody; some people couldn't cope. — Jane Wagner

Reality is just a collective hunch. — Jane Wagner

I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. — Jane Wagner

Infinity: Time on an ego trip. — Jane Wagner

Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either. — Jane Wagner

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool. — Jane Wagner

My mom says I have to be more positive, and I say life has to be more positive too or it's just not going to work. — Jane Wagner

One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. — Jane Wagner

When you're dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you're not the one who's leading. — Jane Wagner

I worry that drugs have forced us to be more creative than we really are. — Jane Wagner

I may not be great at geometry but I know one theorum. The longest distance between two points is you and your parents. — Jane Wagner

It's not that I lack ambition. I am ambitious in the sense that I want to be more than I am now. But if I were truly ambitious, I think I'd already be more than I am now. — Jane Wagner

It's one thing to tolerate a boring marriage; a boring affair does not make sense. — Jane Wagner

At the moment you are most in awe of all there is about life that you don't understand, you are closer to understanding it all than at any other time. — Jane Wagner

To think we have the garment industry instead of nature to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth. — Jane Wagner

Childhood comes at a time in your life when you are too young to understand what you are going through. And you're too young to understand that you are too young to understand. — Jane Wagner

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. — Jane Wagner

What is reality anyway! It's nothing but a collective hunch. — Jane Wagner

Sex is such a personal thing - why do we insist on sharing it with another person? — Jane Wagner

Of all the things we've learned, we still haven't learned where did this desire to want to know come from? — Jane Wagner

I worry that humanity has been "advanced" to its present level of incompetency because evolution works on the Peter Principle. — Jane Wagner

The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you. — Jane Wagner

Ahhhhhhhh. There is nothing natural about natural childbirth. It is as close to a freak accident as anything I can think of. Why I picked a time like this to go off drugs. — Jane Wagner

Did I tell you what happened at the play? We were at the back of the theatre, standing there in the dark, when all of a sudden I feel one of 'em tug at my sleeve, whispers, "Trudy look!" I said, "Yeah, goosebumps. You definitely got goosebumps. You like the play that much?" They said it wasn't the play that gave 'em goosebumps, it was the audience!
I'd forgot to tell them to watch the play; they'd been watching the audience! Yeah, to see a group of people sitting together in the dark, laughing and crying at the same things ... well that just knocked 'em out! They said, "Trudy, the play was soup, the audience, art."
So they're taking goosbumps back with 'em into space. Goosebumps! Quite a souvenir. I like to think of them out there in the dark, watching us. Sometimes we'll do something and they'll laugh. Sometimes we'll do something and they'll cry. And maybe, one day we'll do something so magnificent, the whole universe will get goosebumps. — Jane Wagner