Jackie Mason Quotes & Sayings

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck. — Jackie Mason

My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me. — Jackie Mason

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values. — Jackie Mason

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about. — Jackie Mason

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies. — Jackie Mason

Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible. — Jackie Mason

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat. — Jackie Mason

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress. — Jackie Mason

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami. — Jackie Mason

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times. — Jackie Mason

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me. — Jackie Mason

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down! — Jackie Mason

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions? — Jackie Mason

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it. — Jackie Mason

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why! — Jackie Mason

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world ... That's me ... But to my wife ... — Jackie Mason

Honesty is nothin' compared to decency. — Jackie Mason

I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me. — Jackie Mason

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart. — Jackie Mason

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me. — Jackie Mason

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net. — Jackie Mason

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it! — Jackie Mason

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval. — Jackie Mason

The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts. — Jackie Mason

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason

It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want. — Jackie Mason

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it? — Jackie Mason

Anybody who's in favor of gun control is a fucking moron. — Jackie Mason

Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt? — Jackie Mason

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. — Jackie Mason

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life. — Jackie Mason

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future. — Jackie Mason

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to. — Jackie Mason

I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs. — Jackie Mason

Predictions are preposterous. — Jackie Mason

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great! — Jackie Mason

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen. — Jackie Mason

Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got! — Jackie Mason

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one? — Jackie Mason

I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives. — Jackie Mason

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile. — Jackie Mason

Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less. — Jackie Mason

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable! — Jackie Mason

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. — Jackie Mason

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. — Jackie Mason

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake! — Jackie Mason