Gavin De Becker Quotes & Sayings

The value of threats is determined by our reaction. — Gavin De Becker

Just as rapport-building has a good reputation, explicitness applied by women in this culture has a terrible reputation. A woman who is clear and precise is viewed as cold, or a bitch, or both. A woman is expected, first and foremost, to respond to every communication from a man. And the response is expected to be one of willingness and attentiveness. It is considered attractive if she is a bit uncertain (the opposite of explicit). Women are expected to be warm and open, and in the context of approaches from male strangers, warmth lengthens the encounter, raises his expectations, increases his investment, and, at best, wastes time. At worst, it serves the man who has sinister intent by providing much of the information he will need to evaluate and then control his prospective victim. — Gavin De Becker

Though we live in space-age times, we still have stone-age minds. We are competitive and territorial and violent, just like our simian ancestors. There are people who insist this isn't so, who insist that they could never kill anyone, but they invariably add a telling caveat: "Unless, of course, a person tried to harm someone I love." So the resource of violence is in everyone; all that changes is our view of the justification. — Gavin De Becker

Ernest Becker writes, "The urge to heroism is natural, and to admit it honest. For everyone to admit it would probably release such pent-up force as to be devastating to society." Well, — Gavin De Becker

If you tell someone ten times that you don't want to talk to him, you are talking to them - nine more times than you wanted to. — Gavin De Becker

When a baby is born the mother in particular enters into a new larger relationship with the world. She has become connected to all people. She is part of keeping us on earthnot the "us" comprised of individuals but the species itself. By protecting this one baby this gift a mother accepts life's clearest responsibility. — Gavin De Becker

Safety is the preeminent concern of all creatures and it clearly justifies a seemingly abrupt and rejecting response from time to time. — Gavin De Becker

Believing that others will react as we would is the single most dangerous myth of intervention. — Gavin De Becker

The brilliant book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman describes seven key abilities most beneficial for human beings: the ability to motivate ourselves, to persist against frustration, to delay gratification, to regulate moods, to hope, to empathize, and to control impulse. Many of those who commit violence never learned these skills. If you know a young person who lacks them all, that's an important pre-incident indicator, and he needs help. — Gavin De Becker

Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect while most women fear rape and death. — Gavin De Becker

a good exercise when worrying is to ask yourself, What am I choosing not to see right now? Worry may well be distracting you from something important. For — Gavin De Becker

Many believe the process of creativity is one of assembling thoughts and concepts, but highly creative people will tell you that the idea, the song, the image, was in them, and their task was to get it out, a process of discovery, not design. This — Gavin De Becker

I've heard many times that people would make a comment, 'This looks like a bomb,' and still open it. That's one for the psychologists to answer. — Gavin De Becker

If you can bring yourself to apply your imagination to finding the possible favorable outcomes of undesired developments, even if only as an exercise, you'll see that it fosters creativity. This suggestion is much more than a way to find the silver lining our grandmothers encouraged us to look for. I include it in this book because creativity is linked to intuition, and intuition is the way out of the most serious challenges you might face. Albert Einstein said that when you follow intuition, The solutions come to you, and you don't know how or why. — Gavin De Becker

Their lives are literally on the line in ways men just don't experience. — Gavin De Becker

Your suspicion alone is more than enough justification for preventing time alone with your child. You — Gavin De Becker

The absence of adult males upsets the natural order in our species and in others. For example, game wardens in South Africa recently had to kill several teenage male elephants that had uncharacteristically become violent. These young elephants behaved like a contemporary street gang - and perhaps for the same reason: There were no adult males in their lives. To solve the problem, park officials imported adult male elephants from outside the area. Almost immediately, the remaining juveniles stopped misbehaving. Testosterone ungoverned by experience is dangerous, and older males temper the craving for dominance - merely by being dominant themselves. — Gavin De Becker

As the most powerful people in history, we have climbed to the top of the world food chain, so to speak. Facing not one single enemy or predator who poses to us any danger of consequence, we've found the only prey left: ourselves. — Gavin De Becker

Those men who are the most violent are not at all carried away by fury. In fact, their heart rates actually drop and they become physiologically calmer as they become more violent. — Gavin De Becker

Rock climbers and long-distance ocean swimmers will tell you it isn't the mountain or the water that kills - it is panic — Gavin De Becker

children died that same week at the hands of a parent, just like every week - and most of them were under 5 years old. Four million luckier children were physically abused last year, — Gavin De Becker

If we studied any other creature in nature and found the record of intra-species violence that human beings have, we would be repulsed by it. We'd view it as a great perversion of natural law - but we wouldn't deny it. — Gavin De Becker

A Federal research project selected 1,600 children who had been abused or neglected and followed them for nearly twenty years. — Gavin De Becker

It is understandable that the perspectives of men and women on safety are so different
men and women live in different worlds ... at core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them. — Gavin De Becker

there are some broad strokes that can be fairly applied to most of us: We seek connection with others; We are saddened by loss, and try to avoid it; We dislike rejection; We like recognition and attention; We will do more to avoid pain than we will do to seek pleasure; We dislike ridicule and embarrassment; We care what others think of us; We seek a degree of control over our lives; — Gavin De Becker

Perhaps the most admirable reason to seek rapport would be to put someone at ease, but if that is a stranger's entire intent, a far simpler way is to just leave the woman alone. Charm — Gavin De Becker

In the last two years alone, more Americans died from gunshot wounds than were killed during the entire Vietnam War. By contrast, in all of Japan (with a population of 120 million people), the number of young men shot to death in a year is equal to the number killed in New York City in a single busy weekend. — Gavin De Becker

violence is committed by people who look and act like people, — Gavin De Becker

There is no mystery of human behavior that cannot be solved inside your head or your heart. — Gavin De Becker

I encourage people to remember that "no" is a complete sentence. — Gavin De Becker

You have more brain cells than there are grains of sand on your favorite beach, and you have cleverness, dexterity, and creativity - all of which powerfully combine when you are at risk - if you listen to your intuition — Gavin De Becker

While we are quick to judge the human rights record of every other country on earth, it is we civilized Americans whose murder rate is ten times that of other Western nations, we civilized Americans who kill women and children with the most alarming frequency. In (sad) fact, if a full jumbo jet crashed into a mountain killing everyone on board, and if that happened every month, month in and month out, the number of people killed still wouldn't equal the number of women murdered by their husbands and boyfriends each year. — Gavin De Becker

Predatory animals usually devour prey in order to convert flesh into fuel. Most human predators, however, seek power, not food. To destroy or damage something is to take its power. This applies equally to a political movement, a government, a campaign, a career, a marriage, a performance, a fortune, or a religion. To push a pie into the face of the world's richest man is to take his power, if only for a moment. — Gavin De Becker

MEN WHO CANNOT LET GO CHOOSE WOMEN WHO CANNOT SAY NO. — Gavin De Becker

Does he do all this with evil design? No, it is part of his concept of how to retain love. — Gavin De Becker

we recognize all things by the existence of their opposite - day as distinguishable from night, failure from success, peace from war." We could add "safety from hazard." When — Gavin De Becker

It is similar to one brother asking another, "Why did you grow up to be a drunk?" The answer is "Because Dad was a drunk." The second brother then asks, "Why didn't you grow up to be a drunk?" The answer is "Because Dad was a drunk." Some more complete answers are found in Robert Ressler's classic book Whoever Fights Monsters. He speaks of the tremendous importance of the early puberty period for boys. Before then, the anger of these boys might have been submerged and without focus, perhaps turned inward in the form of depression, perhaps (as in most cases) just denied, to emerge later. But during puberty, this anger collides with another powerful force, one of the most powerful in nature: sexuality. Even at this point, say Ressler and others, these potential hosts of monsters can be turned around through the (often unintentional) intervention of people who show kindness, support, or even just interest. I can say from experience that it doesn't take much. — Gavin De Becker

Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. — Gavin De Becker

building prisons is our number one social program for young men — Gavin De Becker

Imagine Cara caring enough to make a police report about an abused child knowing the information will likely be unwelcome to the police, enraging to the parent, and unappreciated by the child, knowing nothing might happen, or worse, that the kid may be beaten for the trouble it causes - yet hoping this case is one where the child is actually helped. There's nothing depressing about the heroism teachers show every day. — Gavin De Becker

Learned that the time after a major incident offered a period of safety and the best rest, — Gavin De Becker

There's a lesson in real-life stalking cases that young women can benefit from learning: persistence only proves persistence - it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn't mean you are special - it means he is troubled. — Gavin De Becker

Still, women's concerns about safety are frequently the subject of critical comments from the men in their lives. One woman told me of constant ridicule and sarcasm from her boyfriend whenever she discussed fear or safety. He called her precautions silly and asked, "How can you live like that?" To which she replied, "How could I not?" I — Gavin De Becker

People who refuse to let go often make small requests that appear reasonable, like Tommy's letter of reference, though the real purpose of such requests is to cement attachment or gain new reasons for contact. — Gavin De Becker

When dreaded outcomes are actually imminent we don't worry about themwe take action. Seeing lava from the local volcano make its way down the street toward our house does not cause worry it causes running. Also we don't usually choose imminent events as subjects for our worrying and thus emerges an ironic truth: Often the very fact that you are worrying about something means that it isn't likely to happen. — Gavin De Becker

An unhappy child not getting comfort or support at home will look for it somewhere else. Next — Gavin De Becker

You have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations. — Gavin De Becker

(if you never make a decision, you can't make a mistake). It — Gavin De Becker

You'll be thinking of me. You may not be thinking good thoughts, but you'll be thinking of me. — Gavin De Becker

We want recognition, not accomplishment. — Gavin De Becker

No amount of logic can usually move a battered woman, so persuasion requires emotional leverage, not statistics or moral arguments ... I have seen their fear and resistance firsthand ... I believe it is critical for a woman to view staying as a choice, for only then can leaving be viewed as a choice and an option. — Gavin De Becker

I have had a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. — Gavin De Becker

because my childhood became all about prediction, I learned to live in the future. I didn't feel things in the present because I wanted to be a moving target, gone to the future before any blow could really be felt. — Gavin De Becker

Those people we are willing to suspect are inherently less dangerous than those we refuse to suspect. We — Gavin De Becker

While you may be able to keep your son Jimmy from owning [a gun], if you try to talk him out of wanting one, you are up against a pretty strong argument: You mean I shouldn't want a device that grants me power and identity, makes me feel dangerous and safe at the same time, instantly makes me the dominant male, and connects me to my evolutionary essence? Come on, Mom, get real! — Gavin De Becker

Avoid being in the presence of someone who might do you harm. — Gavin De Becker

Worry, wariness, anxiety and concern all have a purpose, but they are not fear. So any time your dreaded outcome cannot be reasonably linked to pain or death and it isn't a signal in the presence of danger, then it really shouldn't be confused with fear. It may well be something worth trying to understand and manage, but worry will not bring solutions. It will more likely distract you from finding solutions. — Gavin De Becker

The best antidote to worry is action. If there is an action that will lessen the likelihood of a dreaded outcome occurring, and if that action doesn't cost too much in terms of effort or freedom, then take it. The worry about whether we remembered to close the baby gate at the top of the stairs can be stopped in an instant by checking. Then it isn't a worry anymore; it's just a brief impulse. Almost all of the worry parents feel about keeping their children safe evolves from the conflict between intuition and inaction.
Your choices when worrying are clear: take action, have faith, pray, seek comfort, or keep worrying. — Gavin De Becker

And why do we worship hindsight (as in the news media's constant rehash of the day, the week, the year) and yet distrust foresight, which actually might make a difference in our lives? — Gavin De Becker

Every human behavior can be explained by what precedes it, but that does not excuse it, — Gavin De Becker

We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning. Like rapport-building, charm and the deceptive smile, unsolicited niceness often has a discoverable motive. — Gavin De Becker

This is the violence that captures our fear and attention, even though only 20 percent of all homicides are committed by strangers. The other 80 percent are committed by people we know, so I'll focus on those we hire, those we work with, those we fire, those we date, those we marry, those we divorce. — Gavin De Becker

A woman is expected, first and foremost, to respond to every communication from a man. — Gavin De Becker

Intuition is always right in at least two important ways;
It is always in response to something.
it always has your best interest at heart — Gavin De Becker

Sexual predators often start with nonsexual touch to desensitize their targets. It might be "accidental" touch, or hugs, pats, strokes, hair-brushing, holding. A — Gavin De Becker

Ordinary citizens can encounter violence at their jobs to the point that homicide is now the leading cause of death for women in the workplace. — Gavin De Becker

The institutions of psychiatry, law enforcement, and goverment have proved that no matter what our resources, you cannot reliable control the conduct of CRAZY PEOPLE. It is not fair, but it is so — Gavin De Becker

(On a personal note, even though I have a professional interest in hazard and risk, I never watch the local television news and haven't for years. Try this and you'll likely find better things to do before going to sleep than looking at thirty minutes of disturbing images presented with artificial urgency and the usually false implication that it's critical for you to see it.) — Gavin De Becker

People should learn to see and so avoid all danger. Just as a wise man keeps away from mad dogs, so one should not make friends with evil men." - Buddha — Gavin De Becker

I encourage women to ask other women for help when they need it, and it's likewise safer to accept an offer from a woman than from a man. (Unfortunately, women rarely make such offers to other women, and I wish more would.) I — Gavin De Becker

Persistent, Mike thought. Mark of those who succeed. Indeed, it was the mark of something, but not success. It was refusing to hear "no," a clear signal of trouble in any context. Forty — Gavin De Becker

Throughout history, fairly arbitrary lines drawn on maps have determined who prospers and who needs, who eats and who starves, who attacks and who is attacked, who lives long and who dies young. Oh, we have been slaves to those lines for so long ... — Gavin De Becker

No matter how famous the victim, no matter how powerful the advocates, it simply isn't always possible to control the conduct of other people. — Gavin De Becker

Seven key abilities human beings need to effectively manage life: the ability to motivate ourselves, to persist against frustration, to delay gratification, to regulate moods, to hope, to empathize, and to control impulse. Many — Gavin De Becker

Denial is a save now, pay later scheme. — Gavin De Becker

Those who are good will qualify themselves. — Gavin De Becker

Threats betray the speaker by proving that he has failed to influence events in any other way. Most often they represent desperation, not intention. — Gavin De Becker

The solution to violence in America is the acceptance of reality — Gavin De Becker

Some parents have taught their small children, "Go to the manager," but this poses the same problem of identification as with the policeman: That small name tag is several feet above the child's eye-line. I don't believe in teaching inflexible rules because it's not possible to know they'll apply in all situations. There is one, however, that reliably enhances safety: Teach children that if they are ever lost, Go to a Woman. Why? First, if your child selects a woman, it's highly unlikely that the woman will be a sexual predator. Next, as Jan's story illustrates, a woman approached by a lost child asking for help is likely to stop whatever she is doing, commit to that child, and not rest until the child is safe. A man approached by a small child might say, "Head over there to the manager's desk," whereas a woman will get involved and stay involved. — Gavin De Becker

The hijacking of an American jet in Athens looms larger in our concern than the parent who kills a child, even though the one happens rarely, and the other happens daily. — Gavin De Becker

We think conscious thought is somehow better, when in fact, intuition is soaring flight compared to the plodding of logic. Nature's greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk. Then, intuition is catapulted to another level entirely, a height at which it can accurately be called graceful, even miraculous. Intuition is the journey from A to Z without stopping at any other letter along the way. It is knowing without knowing why. At — Gavin De Becker

So when we wonder why we are victims so often, the answer is clear: It is because we are so good at it. — Gavin De Becker

I am capable of what every other human is capable of. This is one of the great lessons of war and life. — Gavin De Becker

That's what happens when you're angry at people. You make them part of your life. - Garrison Keillor In — Gavin De Becker

The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals because it is nearly always of questionable motive. — Gavin De Becker

Many experts lose the creativity and imagination of the less informed. They are so intimately familiar with known patterns that they may fail to recognize or respect the importance of the new wrinkle. The process of applying expertise is, after all, the editing out of unimportant details in favor of those known to be relevant. Zen master, Shunryu Suzuki said, The mind of the beginner is empty, free of the habits of the expert, ready to accept, to doubt, and open to all the possibilities. — Gavin De Becker

No is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. — Gavin De Becker

I've successfully lobbied and testified for stalking laws in several states, but I would trade them all for a high school class that would teach young men how to hear "no," and teach young women that it's all right to explicitly reject. — Gavin De Becker

Usually, they have to attach a tentacle to someone else before detaching all the tentacles from their current object. — Gavin De Becker

In America, a woman is killed by a spouse every two hours. — Gavin De Becker

Only human beings can look directly at something, have all the information they need to make an accurate prediction, perhaps even momentarily make the accurate prediction, and then say that it isn't so. — Gavin De Becker

A person (or an animal) who feels there are no alternatives will fight even when violence isn't justified, even when the consequences are perceived as unfavorable, and even when the ability to prevail is low. — Gavin De Becker

In fact, if perceived as a rude woman, you are far less attractive a target than a polite one. — Gavin De Becker

Ginger is not distracted by the way things could be, used to be, or should be. She perceives only what is. Our reliance on the intuition of a dog is often a way to find permission to have an opinion we might otherwise be forced to call (God forbid) unsubstantiated. — Gavin De Becker

If we are looking for some specific, expected danger, we are less likely to see the unexpected danger. I urge that she pay relaxed attention to her environment rather than paying rapt attention to her imagination. — Gavin De Becker

I don't believe in such a thing as the criminal mind. Everyone's mind is criminal; we're all capable of criminal fantasies and thoughts. — Gavin De Becker

Most human predators, however, seek power, not food. To destroy or damage something is to take its power. — Gavin De Becker

I have learned that the kindness of a teacher, a coach, a policeman, a neighbor, the parent of a friend, is never wasted. These moments are likely to pass with neither the child nor the adult fully knowing the significance of the contribution. No ceremony attaches to the moment that a child sees his own worth reflected in the eyes of an encouraging adult. Though nothing apparent marks the occasion, inside that child a new view of self might take hold. He is not just a person deserving of neglect or violence, not just a person who is a burden to the sad adults in his life, not just a child who fails to solve his family's problems, who fails to rescue them from pain or madness or addiction or poverty or unhappiness. No, this child might be someone else, someone whose appearance before this one adult revealed specialness or lovability, or value. — Gavin De Becker

For some parents, as with Jason's father, the least popular feature of their children is defiance. Yet it is one of the most important for safety. If defiance is always met with discipline and never with discussion, that can handicap a child. The moment the two-year-old defiantly asserts his will for the first time may be cause for celebration, not castigation, for he is building the courage to resist. If your teenage daughter never tests her defiance on you, she may well be unable to use it on a predator. — Gavin De Becker

when a victim tells her story and people respond with You-should-have-this or You-should-never-have-that, they are often adding to the victimization. — Gavin De Becker