Fran Lebowitz Quotes & Sayings

If there were, say, only 10 percent of the hotels that exist now, there would be all these apartments for people who live in New York, as opposed to people visiting New York. And then all this junk in the theater, we would no longer need the kind of stuff that tourists like. — Fran Lebowitz

I woke up at five o'clock in the morning with the whole first paragraph in my head. Now, this just shows what a slothful person I am: I tried to go back to sleep. — Fran Lebowitz

When you reach a certain age, suddenly there are lots of people younger than you, which is really startling. — Fran Lebowitz

People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to suggest that each is unique - no two alike. This is quite patently not the case. People, even at the current rate of inflation - in fact, people especially at the current rate of inflation - are quite simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariably and lamentable tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. — Fran Lebowitz

I happen to love a good run almost as much as sex. Like sex, there are often times I don't think I'm interested until I'm into it. Unlike sex, I do have to get out of bed and into the elements. I hate leaving bed. — Fran Lebowitz

I doubt there's ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not. — Fran Lebowitz

I'm very lazy, I hate to work. — Fran Lebowitz

Even when America is not working that well, it still works better than other places. F — Fran Lebowitz

I have a hard time writing. Most writers have a hard time writing. I have a harder time than most because I'm lazier than most. [ ... ] The other problem I have is fear of writing. The act of writing puts you in confrontation with yourself, which is why I think writers assiduously avoid writing. [ ... ] Not writing is more of a psychological problem than a writing problem. All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. [ ... ] It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. Especially when it goes on for years. It's much more relaxing actually to work. — Fran Lebowitz

I, unfortunately, take the subway a lot. It's not my preference, but it is my lot in life. — Fran Lebowitz

I'm sure that being sober all these years accounts for my ill humor. — Fran Lebowitz

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back. — Fran Lebowitz

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type — Fran Lebowitz

American women think that clothes fit them if they can fit into them. But that's not at all what fit means. — Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. — Fran Lebowitz

I think one manifestation of integrity is holding a grudge. Saying no is a little different. Holding a grudge is the modern equivalent of having standards. — Fran Lebowitz

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. — Fran Lebowitz

I've always been old at heart. — Fran Lebowitz

I hate money. It is boring and it is arithmetic. The two things I hate the most. — Fran Lebowitz

The theater itself is so archaic and old fashioned, that it doesn't really matter to me whether it's on Avenue D or at the Helen Hayes Theater. What's the difference? It's still a very nostalgic form. Also, it means you're knowingly walking into a room where there's actors. I feel it's very embarrassing. Because, you know, they're right there. You always think like, they can see you, and I think it's mortifying, frankly, and I hate to sit near the front, where you feel they actually might see you. It's too ... it's too live. — Fran Lebowitz

Writing is so hard. Why would you be a writer if you weren't really good at it? If you could be anything else, why would you be a writer? — Fran Lebowitz

Democracy is an interesting, even laudable, notion and there is no question but that when compared to Communism, which is too dull, or Fascism, which is too exciting, it emerges as the most palatable form of government. — Fran Lebowitz

I could not possibly be in a relationship now for more than six days. When I was younger, I might have said six months, although I think the longest relationship I was ever in was three years. — Fran Lebowitz

No one's supposed to be the president. This is not England. And it's not just the Bush family, all families designate each child as having some particular trait. — Fran Lebowitz

I always liked people who are older. Of course, every year it gets harder to find them. — Fran Lebowitz

There's also the idea in this country [USA], it's not wholly new, but it's new in its kind of purity, in that you have to be really smart to be really rich. I always say to people, the reason people believe this is a) they've never met a really smart person, and b) they've never met a really rich person. I have met both, and I cannot see the crossover. You do not have to be a genius to get rich. You have to be ruthless to get rich. — Fran Lebowitz

Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult. Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many - even more - things objectionable. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs. — Fran Lebowitz

Telling someone he looks healthy isn't a compliment
it's a second opinion. — Fran Lebowitz

I just write when fear overtakes me. — Fran Lebowitz

In conversation you can use timing, a look, an inflection. But on the page all you have is commas, dashes, the amount of syllables in a word. When I write, I read everything out loud to get the right rhythm. — Fran Lebowitz

The truth is that most families have no smart ones and no pretty ones. Most families are a bunch of unattractive dopes. And it turns out that the Bush family, like most families, has no smart ones. I was not surprised to see this. — Fran Lebowitz

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. — Fran Lebowitz

You don't have to lay an egg to know if it tastes good. — Fran Lebowitz

Nothing succeeds like address. — Fran Lebowitz

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding fresh lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand that there must be a reason for this. — Fran Lebowitz

New York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from. — Fran Lebowitz

Forcing people into a situation where they're supposed to adore each other is probably bad. But letting people get on and off the 6 train without stabbing each other, that's good. — Fran Lebowitz

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. — Fran Lebowitz

Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in prisons? — Fran Lebowitz

The good thing about being in someone else's apartment is it's so much easier to leave than it is to get someone out. — Fran Lebowitz

I hate writing. I will do anything to avoid it. The only way I could write less was if I was dead. — Fran Lebowitz

I don't care if New York avoided bankruptcy by substituting tourism for the garment business. — Fran Lebowitz

People are constantly telling me, whether they are friends who feel sorry for me, because I can't find a place to live, or real estate agents, "You can't afford an apartment the size you need with this many books. Why don't you just put some of your books in storage?" And I always say the same thing: "What if I told you I had four children? Would you say, 'You just can't afford to house four children. Why don't you just put two of them in storage?'" That's how I feel. — Fran Lebowitz

Now people need special costumes to ride bicycles. I mean, a helmet, what, are you an astronaut?? — Fran Lebowitz

There's nothing like being old to be sure of everything. — Fran Lebowitz

How do you know if your child is a writer? Your obstetrician holds his stethoscope to your abdomen and only hears excuses. — Fran Lebowitz

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive. — Fran Lebowitz

Violet will be a good color for hair at just about the same time that brunette becomes a good color for flowers. — Fran Lebowitz

I walk a lot in New York, not for the exercise but to get from place to place, and because it's the way of having the least contact with human beings. — Fran Lebowitz

I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once. — Fran Lebowitz

Smoking is, if not my life, then at least my hobby. I love to smoke. Smoking is fun. Smoking is cool. Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult. It makes growing up genuinely worthwhile. I am quite well aware of the hazards of smoking. Smoking is not a healthful pastime, it is true. Smoking is indeed no bracing dip in the ocean, no strenuous series of calisthenics, no two laps around the reservoir. On the other hand, smoking has to its advantage the fact that is a quiet pursuit. Smoking is, in effect a dignified sport. — Fran Lebowitz

Should you be a teenager blessed with uncommon good looks, document this state of affairs by the taking of photographs. It is the only way anyone will ever believe you in years to come. — Fran Lebowitz

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail. — Fran Lebowitz

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. — Fran Lebowitz

I just can't smile at people for money. — Fran Lebowitz

The first step in having any successful war is getting people to fight it. — Fran Lebowitz

What I can't be is monogamous. That tends to upset people. I just don't like domestic life. — Fran Lebowitz

Sleep is death without the responsibility. — Fran Lebowitz

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. — Fran Lebowitz

If you read a lot, nothing is as great as you've imagined. Venice is - Venice is better. — Fran Lebowitz

Modern science was largely conceived of as an answer to the servant problem and ... it is generally practiced by those who lack a flair for conversation. — Fran Lebowitz

Japanese food is very pretty and undoubtedly a suitable cuisine in Japan, which is largely populated by people of below average size. Hostesses hell-bent on serving such food to occidentals would be well advised to supplement it with something more substantial and to keep in mind that almost everybody likes french fries. — Fran Lebowitz

Until I was about 7, I thought books were just there, like trees. When I learned that people actually wrote them, I wanted to, too, because all children aspire to inhuman feats like flying. Most people grow up to realize they can't fly. Writers are people who don't grow up to realize they can't be God. — Fran Lebowitz

The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life. — Fran Lebowitz

[Friendships] are easy to get out of compared to love affairs, but they are not easy to get out of compared to, say, jail. — Fran Lebowitz

My favorite animal is steak. — Fran Lebowitz

[On not reading newspapers:] If something important happens, your mother calls you. — Fran Lebowitz

We are all born with a rut radar. Mine is finely wired, a little oversensitive maybe. Perhaps just a bit hyperactive. Twenty steady boyfriends before turning 16, a new best friend 12 times a year, switched college majors every time I met someone who seemed exactly like the sort of person I really, really wanted to be. I'm not fickle. I'm just never there yet. — Fran Lebowitz

I have friends, some of whom are spectacularly good writers, who really want someone to edit them. I don't register that impulse. It's like the impulse for wanting a dog. — Fran Lebowitz

When I started publishing, I got offers to write for big magazines. But I would always say, "Well, it's not that I don't want to write for these big magazines, but you can't edit it." — Fran Lebowitz

A community is a butcher and a doctor, a minister, a town troublemaker. A "community" is not a bunch of people united by some grievance. That's just self-righteousness
incredibly dangerous and antidemocratic. — Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you. — Fran Lebowitz

Tolerance is really a better thing than understanding. Because it doesn't agitate against human nature. — Fran Lebowitz

Nothing lasts. So it's my belief, yes, I know a lot of the things that we liked didn't last, but maybe things we don't like, they're also not going to last. There has been progress in my lifetime. There are certainly things that are better than when I was young, and there are things that are worse. New York City, it's worse. There's no question. — Fran Lebowitz

If people don't hold grudges, it means they just don't care what people do. — Fran Lebowitz

There are certain relationships I think I'm great at: I'm the world's greatest daughter. I'm a great relative. I believe I'm a great friend. — Fran Lebowitz

Science has done absolutely nothing about noise. The worst design flaw in the human body is that you can't close your ears. The reason you can't close your ears is, if a lion was coming, you had to wake up. Today no lions are coming. Beeping trucks are coming. I read the other day that the guy who invented the beep when trucks go backward, he died. I thought: Of course-he dies, I have to listen to it. — Fran Lebowitz

To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire. — Fran Lebowitz

It is not true that there is dignity in all work. Some jobs are definitely better than others ... People who have good jobs are happy, rich, and well dressed. People who have bad jobs are unhappy, poor and use meat extenders. Those who seek dignity in the type of work that compels them to help hamburgers are certain to be disappointed. — Fran Lebowitz

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter. — Fran Lebowitz

[On parenthood:] You can't change your mind
you know, and say, this isn't working out, let's sell. — Fran Lebowitz

Not writing is probably the most exhausting profession I've ever encountered. It takes it out of you. It's very psychically wearing not to write - I mean if you're supposed to be writing. — Fran Lebowitz

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. — Fran Lebowitz

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. — Fran Lebowitz

All style is personal - that's what distinguishes it from fashion. — Fran Lebowitz

Raisins are a thing that lasts, they come in small boxes, and you always feel like eating raisins, even at six in the morning. A raisin is always an appropriate snack. — Fran Lebowitz

My other hobby, because I just love any job with a gavel, is auctioneer. And I so often have presided over charity auctions in New York that many years ago Sotheby's sent me my own gavel. Now, the Sotheby's gavel is infinitely more elegant
it came in a little velvet bag, with "Sotheby's" inscribed in gold. It hangs in my library. I feel that everyone has occasion to use a gavel at various times everyday, they just don't think of it. — Fran Lebowitz

All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write. — Fran Lebowitz

There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter — Fran Lebowitz

A great many people in Los Angeles are on special diets that restrict their intake of synthetic foods. The reason for this appears to be a widely held belief that organically grown fruits and vegetables make the cocaine work faster. — Fran Lebowitz

There's no such thing as advice to the lovelorn. If they took advice, they wouldn't be lovelorn. — Fran Lebowitz

There is nothing more mine than my writing, nothing I'm more proprietary about. — Fran Lebowitz

Presently it appears that people are mainly concerned with being well rested. Those capable of uninterrupted sleep are much admired. Unconsciousness is in great demand. This is the day of the milligram. — Fran Lebowitz

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. — Fran Lebowitz

It's very important when making a friend to check and see if they have a private plane. People think a good personality trait in a friend is kindness or a sense of humor. No, in a friend a good personality trait is a Gulfstream. — Fran Lebowitz

Cold soup is a very tricky thing and it is a rare hostess who can carry it off. More often than not the dinner guest is left with the impression that had he only come a little earlier he could have gotten it while it was still hot. — Fran Lebowitz

In a print interview, as you may or may not know, they [editors] can do whatever they want. And they do. This is why most people are more hesitant to do print, because they can change it, and they do change it. They even change things that are in quotation marks, which is a pet peeve of mine. I've said to numerous reporters, "Would you read me back my direct quotes?" And they always say no. They always say that's against the policy. — Fran Lebowitz

Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke. — Fran Lebowitz

If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater? — Fran Lebowitz

Randomness scares people. Religion is a way to explain randomness. — Fran Lebowitz