Evan Esar Quotes & Sayings

An expert is someone who takes something you already know and makes it sound confusing. — Evan Esar

A dictator's chief problem is keeping the stomachs of his subjects full while keeping their heads empty. — Evan Esar

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them. — Evan Esar

Divorce has become so easy nowadays that women have stopped crying at weddings. — Evan Esar

Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us. — Evan Esar

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error. — Evan Esar

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing. — Evan Esar

The saddest thing in life is to marry a woman who looks like a cook
and isn't. — Evan Esar

Some couples divorce because of a misunderstandin g; others, because they understand each other too well. — Evan Esar

A girl never cares who casts the first stone at her
as long as it's a diamond — Evan Esar

The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal. — Evan Esar

Good teachers cost a lot; but, poor teachers cost a lot more. — Evan Esar

Lecturers should remember that the capacity of the mind to absorb is limited to what the seat can endure. — Evan Esar

The lecturer who is full of his subject is usually very slow in emptying himself. — Evan Esar

About the only time Congress conforms to the will of the people is when it decides to adjourn. — Evan Esar

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. — Evan Esar

A woman is always ready to describe another woman as charming, but only if the other woman is not charming. — Evan Esar

Compare what you want with what you have, and you'll be unhappy; compare what you deserve with what you have, and you'll be happy. — Evan Esar

You can't judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him. — Evan Esar

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
— Evan Esar

Do a little more every day than you are expected to do, and soon you will be expected to do more. — Evan Esar

All men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with a mighty urge to become otherwise. — Evan Esar

All things come to him who waits, but they are mostly leftovers from those who didn't wait. — Evan Esar

In Congress the majority governs, but the minority rules. — Evan Esar

Eloquence is the art of saying as little as possible but making it sound as much as possible. — Evan Esar

Some men take good care of a car; others treat it like one of the family. — Evan Esar

Age brings wisdom to some men, and to others chess. — Evan Esar

With a braggart, it's no sooner done than said. — Evan Esar

A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him. — Evan Esar

A batch of credit cards fattens a wallet before it thins it. — Evan Esar

The man who avoids debt doesn't have to worry about avoiding his creditors. — Evan Esar

A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia. — Evan Esar

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. — Evan Esar

This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand. — Evan Esar

Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose. — Evan Esar

The difference between two men is usually a woman. — Evan Esar

Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat, the more they have to swallow. — Evan Esar

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once. — Evan Esar

Life is a battle of wits, and many people have to fight it unarmed. — Evan Esar

Some members of Congress ought to have their mouths taped instead of their speeches. — Evan Esar

Many a woman would get a divorce if she could do it without making her husband happy. — Evan Esar

If you want to know how little your dignity is worth, take it to the pawnbroker. — Evan Esar

The secret of successful writing lies in striking the right keys on the typewriter. — Evan Esar

Worry makes people thin, except when they worry about being fat. — Evan Esar

All work and no pay makes a housewife. — Evan Esar

Times change: it was once the custom to take a bath weekly and religion daily. — Evan Esar

Conceit is a disease That the doctors got no cure They've done a lot of research on it But what it is, they're still not sure. — Evan Esar

An instrument that sometimes expresses thought, sometimes obscures thought, but most often replaces thought. — Evan Esar

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it. — Evan Esar

The only thing worse than being on the wrong side of an argument is to be on the right side with no one listening. — Evan Esar

The Lord takes care of his own, but church trustees still put lightning rods on the steeple. — Evan Esar

Many a wedding takes place when a man can't afford to go steady with a girl any longer. — Evan Esar

Nowadays it's not who wears the pants in the family, but who carries the credit cards. — Evan Esar

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother. — Evan Esar

[Statistics] The science that can prove everything except the usefulness of statistics. — Evan Esar

A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman. — Evan Esar

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last. — Evan Esar

Corrupt officials are usually close-mouthed and open-handed. — Evan Esar

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others. — Evan Esar

Zoo: An excellent lace to study the habits of human beings — Evan Esar

A word to the wise is
unnecessary. — Evan Esar

Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands. — Evan Esar

The disadvantage of becoming wise is that you realize how foolish you've been. — Evan Esar

A good loser is all right, but it isn't so much fun to beat him. — Evan Esar

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. — Evan Esar

A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why. — Evan Esar

Egocentricity: The vanity that makes you wonder what people are thinking about you when they are really wondering what you are thinking about them. — Evan Esar

The little boy who goes to the store and forgets what his mother sent him for, will probably grow up to be a congressman. — Evan Esar

Let those who want to, arrive
Let those who want to, leave
Let those who want to, stay
With out harm to me or mine — Evan Esar

The trouble with dieting is that a pound of will power takes off only an ounce of weight. — Evan Esar

Experience is a great teacher, and sometimes a pretty teacher is a great experience. — Evan Esar

There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece. — Evan Esar

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past. — Evan Esar

A bore finds it easy to start talking, and even easier to get others to stop listening. — Evan Esar

A credit card is a convenient device that saves you the trouble of counting your change. — Evan Esar

It's surprising how much wisdom every man possesses
if not for his own affairs, then for the affairs of others. — Evan Esar

A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much. — Evan Esar

The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery
amputation at the neck. — Evan Esar

Formerly when a man worked ten hours a day, it was called economic slavery; nowadays it is called moonlighting. — Evan Esar

Only one man has the right to boast, and that's the man who never does. — Evan Esar

A dollar saved is a dollar earned but seldom vice versa. — Evan Esar

A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended. — Evan Esar

The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more. — Evan Esar

A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one. — Evan Esar

To a teenager, it cannot be true love if her family approves of him. — Evan Esar

Next time a man tells you talk is cheap, ask him if he knows how much a session of Congress costs. — Evan Esar

You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it. — Evan Esar

A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much. — Evan Esar

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures. — Evan Esar

A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesn't fit. — Evan Esar

There's nothing as short as short-term debt. — Evan Esar

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either. — Evan Esar

The difference between us and other people is that their money looks bigger and their troubles smaller. — Evan Esar

The best way to spoil a good story is by sticking to the facts. — Evan Esar

Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together. — Evan Esar

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. — Evan Esar

The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery. — Evan Esar

A man doesn't have vacation problems: his boss tells him when to take them, and his wife tells him where. — Evan Esar

Every bride and groom would do well to remember that in wedding, the we comes before the I. — Evan Esar

More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices. — Evan Esar