Emo Philips Quotes & Sayings

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that". — Emo Philips

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair. — Emo Philips

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them. — Emo Philips

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. — Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes. — Emo Philips

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls. — Emo Philips

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs? — Emo Philips

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man. — Emo Philips

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. — Emo Philips

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers. — Emo Philips

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats. — Emo Philips

I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients. — Emo Philips

How many people here have telekinetic power? Rise my hand — Emo Philips

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand. — Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. — Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. — Emo Philips

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear. — Emo Philips

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. — Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? — Emo Philips

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing. — Emo Philips

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic ... in morse code. — Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. — Emo Philips

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour. — Emo Philips

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far. — Emo Philips

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide. — Emo Philips

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. — Emo Philips

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off. — Emo Philips

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him. — Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' — Emo Philips

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' — Emo Philips

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! — Emo Philips

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips

People come up to me ... concerned ... that I'll reproduce. — Emo Philips

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy. — Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. — Emo Philips

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th. — Emo Philips

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won. — Emo Philips

Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but ... — Emo Philips

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. — Emo Philips

Ambiguity - the Devil's volleyball. — Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. — Emo Philips

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. — Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. — Emo Philips

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster. — Emo Philips

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady ... take your purse.' — Emo Philips

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.' — Emo Philips

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods. — Emo Philips

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid ... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. — Emo Philips

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit. — Emo Philips

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home. — Emo Philips

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor. — Emo Philips

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles? — Emo Philips

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family. — Emo Philips

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one. — Emo Philips

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill. — Emo Philips

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service. — Emo Philips

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat. — Emo Philips

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me. — Emo Philips

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way. — Emo Philips

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He
survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare
system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just
had to pay the inheritance tax. — Emo Philips

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die. — Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches. — Emo Philips

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game. — Emo Philips

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. — Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. — Emo Philips

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball. — Emo Philips

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long? — Emo Philips

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important. — Emo Philips

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in. — Emo Philips

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. — Emo Philips

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment. — Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. — Emo Philips

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. — Emo Philips

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit. — Emo Philips

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad. — Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny. — Emo Philips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers ... damn anthropologists. — Emo Philips

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be. — Emo Philips

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy ... — Emo Philips

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. — Emo Philips

I'm not a Republican ... but I am saving up to be one. — Emo Philips

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it. — Emo Philips

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference. — Emo Philips

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding. — Emo Philips

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult. — Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. — Emo Philips

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy ... — Emo Philips

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like ... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun ... that was nice ... the sun.. — Emo Philips

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ... " — Emo Philips

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household. — Emo Philips

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that? — Emo Philips

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him. — Emo Philips

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark. — Emo Philips

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items. — Emo Philips

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. — Emo Philips

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany ... After, I'm guessing, amnesia ... — Emo Philips

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat. — Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. — Emo Philips

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine. — Emo Philips