Dylan Callens Quotes & Sayings

Sartre snickered. "Are you trying to make love to that thing, or put gas in it?" He stepped out of the car and flipped the heavy metallic switch, causing the machine to vibrate to life. Odin grunted a thank you as he squeezed the handle, "This liquid stinks. — Dylan Callens

Marry me, Lou," Nietzsche bent down on one knee, his knees creaked. He peered over top of his glasses with a gaze of pitiful defeat. He had met his match with Lou. She was brilliant, shrewd, and brave. Taking risks that other women dare not.

"Get up, Friedrich," she responded, "You know that I won't marry you or anyone else. — Dylan Callens

He passed the lighter down the table until Descartes held it in one hand while setting the greasy cylinder down on the table. After smoothing it out, Descartes sparked up the lighter. With the lighter drawn near the grease, the aroma of burnt hair filled the board room. — Dylan Callens

The Heaven Inc. Board of Directors, whom one has to thank for the origin of most mainstream religion, are also the ones responsible for ending any god's career. Nietzsche knew that as the CEO, he could influence the outcome of world religion but he needed to come up with something big. Something inspirational. Something with pizazz. Something that would fire up the imagination of the other members. The board was newly elected. They were shy, passive, reflexive, and thoroughly stupid — Dylan Callens

Is that a serious question? I'm God! I know things."

"Sure. Sure," Freud flipped to the front page of his notebook. At the top of the page scribbled the word megalomaniac, "Please, go on. — Dylan Callens

They wept with joy, happy to see him alive. A smile crept across Fritz while being smothered in their affection, but all he could think about, and what he never forgot, were those mountains. — Dylan Callens

Yam raised an army of sea creatures designed to march on Mount Aqraa, to destroy Baal. He created some of the craziest monstrosities every seen: lobsters rode four-legged tuna like proud cavalry, sword fish infantry marched onward in perfect step, biped whales thundered towards the mountain, while winged sharks provided air support. An elite group of electric eel assassins were armed with both their innate ability to shock in melee combat and throwing star fish for long range skirmishes. — Dylan Callens

Loki sat down, closed his eyes and reached his hand toward the sky. Nothing happened immediately and Thor was about to say something nearly intelligent when suddenly guitars started screaming, as if a loud speaker hung from the clouds. Then, Robert Plant's voice rang through the air, "We come from the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow! — Dylan Callens

A few years later I learned that she had a kid. I did the math and came to the obvious conclusion that I was the dad. But she never tried to contact me. Instead, she told people that the birth of her son was a miracle. A virgin birth. The strangest thing is that people believed her!" God shook his head in disbelief. — Dylan Callens

Wagner cleared his throat once again, then pounded a few chords on the piano. But something unexpected happened when he started to sing. He sounded like Kermit the Frog being run over. — Dylan Callens

Loki spoke, "I agree, we do need some leadership. But you've had your chance, Odin. I think it's time for fresh ideas, to get things going. Some Lokimotion, so to speak. — Dylan Callens

There's Buddha. If ever I met a hippy-slacker-God, it's Buddha. Just yesterday I had this strange run in with him. 'Buddha bless you,' he says to me. Out of the blue. So I ask him, 'Why do you refer to yourself in the third person?' He smiled at me, his eyes bloodshot and half-closed. — Dylan Callens

Would you like to try some cocaine?" Freud offered, "I think you will find it picks you up quite nicely."
"No thanks," God declined, holding his soft hands up to show his resistance. — Dylan Callens

Mazda paid little attention to Sartre.

"What's the matter? Afraid that you'll lose to a man? A mere mortal?"

This caught Mazda's attention.

"If you don't come and get me, I'll tell everyone that I beat a god. A giant pussy of a god. — Dylan Callens

We should have smashed through the door long ago," grunted Thor. Everyone had always thought of Thor as Lennie from Of Mice and Men: too big and too slow. The chief difference being that while Lenny accidentally hugged little animals to death, Thor had a penchant for beating the shit out of them with his war hammer, Mjolnir. — Dylan Callens

Through the rainbow he was brave,
Although blood, he did not crave.
But Vikings, blood they should want.
Heads as trophies, they should flaunt.
But from behind, little Jimmy was run through,
A puddle of blood grew and grew.
So when Jimmy fell,
My tears they did swell.
And I cried.
And I cried."

While there was scattered applause, most people just looked at him, confused. The poem was terrible. Heimdall knew it. The crowd knew it. — Dylan Callens

Alarmed, Odin announced, "This thing says Mazda on it!"

The group took a close look at the decal on the back of the car. Thor brought his war hammer over his head, "What is it? Can I smash it?"

Odin put his hand up, "No, wait. I don't think that this is a god. Look, there are others named Mazda, too. I think these are used to transport people. — Dylan Callens

Though he was gone, Stairway to Heaven lingered in the gentle breeze. Sartre and Freya, while holding hands, began to sway back and forth until they found themselves wrapped in each other's arms. Starting in Gimli, everyone followed their lead. Soon, across the whole world, and like the last song at a high school homecoming in the late 70s, people slow danced with each other. — Dylan Callens

I ain't never heardin' of a place called Odin."

Now Mazda knew. Hillbilly. A fucking hillbilly. If there was one thing that Mazda disliked more than Greeks, it was hillbillies. He grabbed the slack-jawed yokel by the throat and lifted him off the ground, "Not a place. A who."

The man had a difficult time speaking, "Awho? Who's Awho? Is he at Odin? — Dylan Callens

So, he eagerly drove from Basel to Bayreuth before the festival began to watch the last rehearsals of The Ring Cycle. As he watched, it hit him like Odin's bowel movement: the opera was shit. — Dylan Callens

Disguised in a handlebar mustache with a ten gallon hat hanging low against his brow, Loki moseyed into Odin's party, despite the fact that he wasn't invited. Being dressed like Juan Valdez in a room full of people dawning Viking braids and pointy horned hats, however, tended to call attention to oneself. Odin's wife, Frigg, noticed Loki the moment that he stepped through the door, "What the Hel are you doing here? You weren't invited. — Dylan Callens

Sartre gazed upon Freya's beauty, continuously reminding himself that he should not stare. Every time that he let his guard down, his eye wandered back to her cherry lips. He wanted to know if they tasted as good as they looked. He trailed down and noticed how the slight cleft in her chin served to accentuate the much deeper cleft between her breasts.

Freya detected Sartre skimming her body. She liked it. This frail little man with the crazy eye was so much different than the strong, muscular brutes that she was used to. He was a cute little oddity. — Dylan Callens

Well, that's not true. I need to work for a living."

"No, that's not true. You think you need to work like this because that's what you've been told. That is merely an idea put into your head. In actuality, you can walk away any time you want. — Dylan Callens

The hatred that I harbored for Lou and Paul faded into the background. The cold, lonely mountains which once filled my mouth and mind with the madness of Zarathustra shifted into a lithium passivity. Even Wagner was nothing more than a jester for some cathartic writing, allowing me to purge the bales of contempt that I had for the man. — Dylan Callens

Loki shook his head in the darkness. That's confusing, he thought, "And what is a Pennsylvania?"

"It's a large region of land. They say that this is where revolutions begin and nations are born. They say that this is a place where steel rules all and there is something called a cheese-steak sandwich that is supposed to be manna from heaven! — Dylan Callens

Bullshit!" Thor shouted at the stage, causing the actor playing Estelle to look at the audience. Thor added, "Just leave. Be done with this nightmare of a play! Goddamn cowards! — Dylan Callens

Freya led Sartre to the first tent, near the water. Sartre pushed back the flap so that they could both enter. Two bushy-bearded gentlemen dressed as Vikings, one on top of the other, kissed hungrily at each other, making slurping spaghetti sounds. — Dylan Callens

...and according to Kings, at some point you sent two bears to maul a bunch of children. I believe forty-two of them, for taunting a bald child?"

"I know it seems a bit harsh now, but you have to understand, that was a long time ago. These were the days of the Hammurabic and Draconian Code. If you wanted to get someone's attention, you had to have the harshest penalties. People were going crazy for that kind of stuff. Besides, those kids were taunting one of my followers named Elisha. — Dylan Callens

Odin, not unlike Charlie Brown, sighed, "Good grief," then added, "Why are we going to let this, this, coward on our trip? What do you see in him that could make you want him to come along? — Dylan Callens

Why don't you come down that hall with me," she asked, "Let me show you something that you probably haven't seen before."

Nietzsche nodded again. He didn't understand what was happening but he knew that it was something he wanted. So they stood up. She led him to a room at the end of the hall by his hand.

And soon after, she gave him syphilis. — Dylan Callens

God stared at his feet a little longer. He sighed, "Do you mean when it comes to the job itself? I don't know. It isn't what it used to be. — Dylan Callens

(clearing throat) I, Osiris, Egyptian God of the Dead, would like to write this formal complaint against all the gods that have repeatedly stolen my wooden penis and placed it in various locations around the building. Most recently, I had discovered my penis inside of Ishtar's ass and I'm none too happy about it. No one should have to endure the kind of humiliation that I did. I would like to see immediate disciplinary action. — Dylan Callens

The worst thing, however, was having to watch those Nazis use my philosophy, thanks to Elisabeth's editing. They twisted it into something so perverse and unimaginable. Using it as part of their platform to execute genocide," Nietzsche hung his head, shaking it at the ground, his hands clenched around the arms of the chair. — Dylan Callens

Freud kept himself amused while waiting for God by inhaling glue that was gummed up inside a plastic bag. In mid huff, God rushed through the door, "Oh my God, you have to try this," Freud giggled. "I'm so baked. And dizzy. Actually, I don't feel good at all. — Dylan Callens

Wagner took off a glove, "How dare you," he exclaimed while slapping in Nietzsche in the ear.

This sent Nietzsche's hypothalamus into overdrive. His frontal lobe shut down; he stopped thinking. Without delay, his arms shot forward, jabbing Wagner in the face twice.

"Oh yeah!?" Wagner screeched, losing his composure. He pushed Nietzsche into the opening that was cleared for the stilts walker. Unskilled in boxing, Wagner flailed his arms around Nietzsche's face. — Dylan Callens

You think one man's death forgives a world of sins? How naive can you be? My edicts require people to be good to each other. To obey the laws that I sent to Moses. Everybody breaks those laws every day. That's millions upon millions of sins every day. Why would I send my son, no matter how weak I think he was, to be killed for people who are not worthy of my respect? — Dylan Callens

Mazda [Ahura] checked his phone and quickly received the message, "Neat," he cracked a half smile, "I think I like Twitter. — Dylan Callens