Derek Landy Quotes & Sayings

Punishment is not the answer. Punishment is easy. It's lazy. Redemption is hard. Redemption makes you work.
-Skulduggery — Derek Landy

He has a name."
"Oh yeah. Skulduggery isn't it?" Fletcher responded. "That's an unusual one. Tell me were you born a skeleton or were your folks just disturbingly hopeful? — Derek Landy

Ladies and gentleman," he said over the speakers, "welcome aboard this recently liberated Gulfstream V. If I could have your attention for just a few moments, I'd like to go over the safety features of this aircraft. It has an engine, to make us go, and wings, to keep us in the air. There are seatbelts, which won't do you an awful lot of good if we fly into the side of a mountain. — Derek Landy

We're authors, too," Donegan said, "and we've been trying to get into the picture-book market. We have this idea for a Where's Wally type thing, except in ours, you'd have to find the one living person hiding in among all the dismembered corpses while the chainsaw-wielding killer hunts him down. You know, for kids."
"We're going to call is Save the Survivor," Gracious said. — Derek Landy

I'm not crazy."
"I'm not judging you, my dear. Some of my best friends are crazy." He nodded to the corner. "Take Wallace, for example. He's crazy as a loon, aren't you, Wallace?"
Valkyrie frowned. "Uh, there's ... there's no one there."
Meritorious sighed. "That's what we long-term prisoners call dungeon humour. You learn to appreciate it after a few years. — Derek Landy

I woke up, a bag of bones. Literally. They had gathered up my bones and put them in a bag and thrown the bag into a river. — Derek Landy

You make a good point,' Fletcher conceded. 'See, there's a reason why you're the girl and I'm the boy. You think about things while I ... '
'Don't?'
'Exactly,' he said happily. — Derek Landy

I, uh, I hit a tree."
"Well, I'm sure it had it coming. — Derek Landy

We're all barbarians at our core. We're all savage, murderous beasts. I know I am. I'm sure you are. The only difference between us, Mr Prave, is how loudly we roar. I roar very loudly indeed. How about you? Do you think you can match me? - China — Derek Landy

You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense? — Derek Landy

Valkyrie dialed Skulduggery's number and he picked up. 'Hey,' she said, 'It's me.'
Skulduggery paused. 'No it's not. If it were me, then I'd be talking to myself, and I don't do that any more. I certainly don't RING myself. That's one of the first signs of madness, and if it's not, it should be.'
She sighed. 'Are you finished talking nonsense?'
'I haven't talked nonsense all morning. I miss it. — Derek Landy

If you can't stand to be alone with your thoughts, maybe there's something wrong with your thoughts. — Derek Landy

Definitely looks like it," said Amber. "Thank you so much for your help."
"Don't worry about it," the kid replied. "I'm assuming you'll take care of this?"
He held up his bag of doughnuts so the teller could see it, and Amber smiled. "Sure thing, Walter. See you around."
"Stay frosty," Walter said, and walked out. — Derek Landy

Tricking?" Ravel said. "I wouldn't call it tricking, no. Manipulating? It could possibly be seen as manipulating. — Derek Landy

The Torment turned his head to him, and frowned. "Who are you?"
"I'm ... sorry? It's me, it's Vaurien. Vaurien Scapegrace. I ... built the cellar for you?"
"Oh," the Torment said. "You. Why are you back? I thought you were dead. It would have been nice if you were dead — Derek Landy

I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour."
Finbar rolled his eyes. "And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them. — Derek Landy

Why did you have to jump out of the window?"
"You know why," Skulduggery said, walking away.
Axle looked up, tears streaming from his eyes. "Why did he do that? Why?"
Stephanie glowered. "Because doors are for people with no imagination," she said. — Derek Landy

That man," Carol said. "The thin man at Gordon's will reading, with the ridiculous name. He's involved in this, isn't he?"
"Skulduggery Pleasant," Valkyrie nodded. "And yes, he is. — Derek Landy

The sparrow flies south for the winter. — Derek Landy

And I have lifetimes inside me, I'm the girl you see standing here,and I'm a cranky old professor, and I'm a peace-loving man, and I'm a killer and a maid and a king and a peasant. I am a dozen more. You think you're old? You got nothing on me. — Derek Landy

Strong-willed, intelligent, sharp-tongued, doesn't suffer fools gladly ... remind you of anyone?"
"Yes. Gordon."
"Interesting," said the man. "Because those are the exact same words he used to describe you. — Derek Landy

Saracen Rue knows things."
That's what Dexter Vex was told all those hundreds of years ago before they first met. He couldn't remember who had introduced them - Skulduggery? Ravel? Ghastly maybe - but when he'd been asked what magical discipline Saracen had chosen, he'd been assured that "Saracen Rue knows things." That was all. — Derek Landy

Skulduggery placed both hands on the table and leaned over. "You've heard about me. You've heard about the things I've done."
The smirk faded a little. "So?"
"So the stories you've heard are nothing compared to the truth, and the truth is nothing compared to what I'll do to you if something happens to Valkyrie. I'm the worst enemy you could ever make, Silas. Look at me and answer honestly, do you believe me?"
Nadir swallowed. "Yeah. — Derek Landy

I impressed them by attacking an entire battalion of Mevolent's troops on my own."
"You slipped," said Shudder.
"Stop saying that. I did not slip."
"I was there. You slipped and fell down the hill and rolled into their camp."
"Aggressively. I rolled aggressively into their camp."
"I had to save you."
"Why do you always say it like that? — Derek Landy

Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense.
"There is a vegetable-plant hybrid we've been working on, modifying the genes and receptors, mutating the proteins and acids so that they are, in effect, neurotransmitters. Our work on the synapses alone has been quite illuminating."
Valkyrie stood there and waited for her to start making sense. — Derek Landy

Is he all scarred now?"
"Magic gets rid of most physical scars, but I like to think I scarred him emotionally. — Derek Landy

The Doctor put his finger to his lips and Martha nodded and followed him as quietly as she could. Wet leaves squelched under her feet. There was movement up ahead: two teenagers, a pale boy and a nervous girl, walked into a clearing. The sun broke through the clouds and the boy started to sparkle.
Martha felt the Doctor's eyes on her and she blushed. 'Do not judge me.'
'Judging is for later,' he said, and they continued on, giving the young lovers a wide berth. — Derek Landy

m a butterfly!" screamed the fat man as he ran, flapping his arms like two really flabby, really rubbish wings. "You're actually not," Valkyrie Cain told him for the eighth time. He ran around her in a big circle, bathed in moonlight, and she just stood there with her head down. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and moments earlier she'd had to drag her eyes away from his wobbling bosoms before they made her feel queasy. Now that his trousers were starting their inexorable slide downwards, she was averting her gaze altogether. "Please," she said, "pull up your trousers. — Derek Landy

Do you think it would be quite so easy to kill them now that your weapon has been destroyed?' he sneered. 'No,' she said, frowning at him, 'Obviously not. — Derek Landy

They've called me a great many things over the years, but my name is Nefarian Serpine. — Derek Landy

Skulduggery: What do you get if you kill the Elders?
Stephanie: This sounds like a joke
Skulduggery: Valkyrie --
Stephanie: I don't know
Skulduggery: Yes, yes you do.. not think what would killing the Elders result in?
Stephanie: Panic, fear? Three empty spaces in the Sanctuary - Skulduggery Pleasant — Derek Landy

Valkyrie patted Fletcher's arm. "Don't worry," she said. "If the bad man comes, I'll protect you."
"If the bad man comes," Fletcher responded, "I'll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike."
"We make a great team."
"Just don't forget to stand in front of me the whole time," he said. — Derek Landy

I would love to have a battle of wits with you, Bison, but I doubt it would be a fair fight.'
'Shut your face.'
'Exactly my point. — Derek Landy

We do what we must. We do what we can. We do what we will. We do what we... We don't do what we won't. - Scapegrace — Derek Landy

Serpine: Well, Skulduggery? Where is that tired old defiance - the taunting, the goading? Where are the endless heroic clinches? Aren't you going to look me in the eye and tell me to do my worst?
Skulduggery: Actually, I was going to ask that you go easy on me. I'm feeling kind of tender today
Serpine: This is your one chance. Tell me where the key is
Skulduggery:OK
Serpine: Really?
Skulduggery: No, only joking. Do your worst. — Derek Landy

Thank you again, all of you." He walked away. "But mostly me," Fletcher called after him and Valkyrie punched his arm. — Derek Landy

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don't know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it was like hiting a wall."
Gracious nodded. "You hit a wall."
Maybury blinked at him. "I what?"
"I saw it. You ran into a cloud of gas and stumbled around for a second until you reached a wall, and then you shrieked and punched it. It was very heroic. — Derek Landy

She wants to be polite and not hurt your feelings, so she's not going to laugh right now. But inside, inside she's laughing. — Derek Landy

I know she was sent to keep an eye on me and then kill me, but ... do you think she did fall in love with me, even just a small bit?"
"Not really."
"Oh."
"She stuck a knife in you."
"Yeah."
"That's rarely a good sign."
"I suppose."
"But hey, you had some good times, didn't you?"
"Yes. Yes we did."
"Before she stabbed you. — Derek Landy

How have you been? You're still as beautiful as ever."
"As are you, my dear. I love your shoes."
"Aren't they delightful? I saw them and just had to have them. Their previous owner wasn't too keen to let them go, but I can be very persuasive when I want to be."
"Is that her blood on the left one?"
"And no amount of scrubbing will get it out, either. — Derek Landy

Valkyrie, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your friend is most likely dead."
"Of course he's dead. He's a skeleton. — Derek Landy

You were supposed to be keeping an eye on the place," Donegan said.
"I was," Gracious yawned.
"You were asleep."
"I was resting my eyes."
"You were snoring."
"I was exercising my lungs. — Derek Landy

I'm sorry,' said the shopkeeper. 'I can't understand your ridiculous accent.'
'My accent?'
'It is quite silly.'
'So you can't understand me?'
'Not a word.'
'Then how did you understand that?'
'I didn't.'
'You didn't understand what I just said?'
'That's right.'
'You understood that, though.'
'Not at all.'
The American glowered. — Derek Landy

Scapegrace leaped up. "I am the Killer Supreme! I make
murder into an art form!"
Skulduggery hit him again and Scapegrace did a little twirl
before falling. — Derek Landy

Any moment now, China was about to perspire. — Derek Landy

Other stories tell how I eat innocent newborns, how I'm ten feet tall, how I breathe fire and have great dragon wings. None of these are wholly accurate. I don't have dragon wings, I don't breathe fire, I'm only eight feet tall and I've never eaten a newborn that didn't have it coming. My name is Mevolent. What's yours? — Derek Landy

I think you have my bag," Amber said...
"So what are you gonna do? Turn me in?"
...
"No, not really."
"Then do you want to buy me dinner?" - Clarissa — Derek Landy

You're seventeen. You're supposed to be dealing with school and hormones and dim-witted parents. You're supposed to be finding out who you are as a person." "But I already know who I am," Valkyrie said. "I'm a world-breaker. — Derek Landy

What all this means is that he could be living across the street from me and I'd never know it. It means that I have not heard one single rumour about him in twenty years, and the fact that he is here and I didn't know about it causes me no small amount of alarm and drives me to unimaginable fury. I am, however, hiding it well. - China — Derek Landy

Life isn't fair,' Skulduggery said. 'In my experience, death isn't so different. — Derek Landy

Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant ... The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives. — Derek Landy

We watch television and we play music, but mostly we've found ways to amuse ourselves."
"Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"
Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."
He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.
They both let go, laughing.
"Naw," Plight said," we just play board games. — Derek Landy

Stephanie had no problem doing what she
was told, just so long as she was given a good reason why she
should. — Derek Landy

Detective Harris smiled good-naturedly as he sat down. "Other Inspector?"
"The one who just left."
"Hmm? Who was that, then?"
"Detective Inspector Me."
"Detective Inspector You?"
"No, Me. That's his ... He said that's his name. You just passed him. He was with a girl on work experience and a boy with spiky hair."
Harris blinked at him. "I didn't pass anyone, Mr Dunne, and I'm the only Detective Inspector on duty right now."
Kenny stared at him. "Then ... then who the hell was I just speaking to? — Derek Landy

I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through. — Derek Landy

What is it with you women?" he yelled, kicking at the air. "You come into our lives, you take everythin'! Throughout the years you got little pieces of me, of my very SOUL, and NOW? Now you got my damn straight razor! How am I supposed to kill people? How am I supposed to even SHAVE? — Derek Landy

He stood there, looking at her. She glared back, opened her mouth to continue the conversation, but he suddenly turned, walked away, like he'd just remembered that she may look and sound and talk like Valkyrie Cain, but she wasn't Valkyrie Cain.
And she never would be. — Derek Landy

We may need to focus here.' 'Right. Yes. OK. Turn around.' 'Are you going to throw something at me?' 'What? No, I'm getting out of bed. — Derek Landy

How easily the hunter can become the prey. All it takes is a new perspective. — Derek Landy

And what, if you don't mind me asking, is really important?"
Valkyrie holds her hand palm upwards, and it starts to glow from within. She smiles at him.
"Magic," she says. — Derek Landy

What's a Dullahan?'
'He's a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.'
'Headless?'
'Yes.'
'Seriously?'
'Yes.'
'So he has no head?'
'That's usually what headless means.'
'No head at all?'
'You're really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren't you?'
'It's just kind of silly, even for us.'
'Yet you spend your days with a living skeleton.'
'But at least he has a head.'
'True.'
'He even has a spare. — Derek Landy

You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The last
present you gave me was a stick."
"You wanted a weapon."
"It was a stick."
"It had a bow on it."
"It was a stick."
"I thought you liked the stick. You laughed. — Derek Landy

You don't understand. When I was seven, Mum bought me a rabbit, Mister Fluffy. For two weeks, Dad paid more attention to that rabbit than he did to me. He played with it, he took it on walks, he practically tucked it in at night. And that was a rabbit. Imagine what he's going to be like with a baby." "But after those two weeks, once the novelty wore off, he was back to normal, wasn't he?" "I don't think it was because the novelty wore off. I think it was because he stood on Mister Fluffy." "Pardon? — Derek Landy

shoulders of a skeleton, and the five people — Derek Landy

The fact is that we have no way of knowing if the person who we think we are is at the core of our being. Are you a decent girl with the potential to someday become an evil monster, or are you an evil monster that thinks it's a decent girl?"
"Wouldn't I know which one I was?"
"Good God, no. The lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves. — Derek Landy

You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the moodswings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count numb fingertips. Which I don't."
"Because he also lost the ability to count," said Donegan.
"That was temporary," snapped Gracious. — Derek Landy

We didn't die,' she said.
Of course not. I'm too clever to die, and you're too pretty.'
I am pretty,' Valkryie said, managing a grin. — Derek Landy

I love you.'
'Yeah, well ... '
'You make my heart want to beat.'
'That's nice and creepy. But I'm with Fletcher.( ... ) Also, these proclamations of your undying love for me are getting kind of ... it's a bit much to be honest. Just hold back a little.'
'But my love for you is eternal.'
'That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. — Derek Landy

It all depends on what people you're talking about helping. That's the wonderful think about just about every religion on the planet - they're all so incredibly selfish. — Derek Landy

Wait, do they even know I'm coming with you?"
"No. But they like surprises. Almost always. — Derek Landy

I love stories with a happy ending, Inspector Me said. — Derek Landy

She's actually a friend of yours... Myosotis Terra. And you wouldn't know, actually. Or to be precise, you wouldn't remember. - Skulduggery (Myosotis Terra) — Derek Landy

Fletcher was always going to be your ex-boyfriend, from the moment you met him. He's just finally caught up with where he's supposed to be. — Derek Landy

You got it, kemo sabe. I'll keep my crucifix close."
"Vampires aren't scared of a crucifix, Finbar."
"I don't plan to wave it at him, I plan to hit him with it. It's really heavy. I figure I can do some considerable damage to his head. — Derek Landy

Stephanie could see the greed seep into the watery eyes of her
father's other brother, a horrible little man called Fergus, as he
nodded sadly and spoke sombrely and pocketed the silverware
when he thought no one was looking — Derek Landy

And The Darkness Rained Upon Them. The — Derek Landy

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability."
"Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora.
"I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."
She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't. — Derek Landy

An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.
'I could have tripped.'
She stared at him. A moment dragged by.
'I'm joking,' he said at last.
She relaxed. 'Really?'
'Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful. — Derek Landy

You look angry," he said.
"You put me on hold."
"For a very good reason."
"You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold. — Derek Landy

You say one more thing that sounds like it's ripped from the pages of a really bad gothic romance and I'm out of here, are we clear? - Valkyrie Cain — Derek Landy

Kenspeckle was your friend."
"When all this is over, we'll see who's alive and who's dead and then I'll cry, OK? ... Clarabelle's going to feel so bad when this is done with. — Derek Landy

I used to be so good at that kind of thing," Skulduggery said quietly.
"Well, my morale is certainly boosted," Valkyrie informed him.
"Really?"
"god no. That was terrible — Derek Landy

Stranger things have happened. And do, with alarming regularity. — Derek Landy

In that movie, Mr Miyagi has Daniel doing all these mundane tasks like painting the fence and waxing the car, then later Daniel does the same moves and finds out it's kung fu. You have me doing all of these fighting moves ... If I find out later that what you're actually doing is teaching me how to paint fences and wax cars, I'm not paying you, you understand? - Scapegrace — Derek Landy

And Ghastly became aware of Ravel's eyes, brimming with tears, those eyes that had many a lady swooning over him down through the centuries. Those golden eyes. — Derek Landy

Warlocks are dark sorcerers on a dark path. They eat the souls of their enemies to absorb their strength. I haven't gone up against one of them in ... a long time. I didn't think there were any left. - Skulduggery — Derek Landy

He could wear hats. He could wear an assortment of hats of different shapes and styles. Boater hats, cowboy hats, bowler hats. The list went on. Pork-pie hats, bucket hats, trillbies and panamas. Top hats, straw hats, trapper hats. Wide brim narrow brim, stingy brim. He could wear a fez. Fezzes were cool. Hadn't someone once said that fezzes were cool? He was pretty aur ether had. And they were. They were cool. — Derek Landy

Fletcher appeared beside her. He peered at the baby.
"Can it do any tricks yet?"
"I'm still working on it. Want to hold her?"
"God, no," Fletcher said laughing. "I'd drop it."
"It's not an it, it's my baby sister. Go on, hold her. You won't make a mess of it, i swear. Only an idiot could drop a baby."
"You always say I am an idiot."
"But you're a special kind of idiot. Here."
She passed Alice into his arms, and he stood there, rigid, a look of intense concentration on his face. — Derek Landy

Please forgive me, Pleasant said, then aimed the gun at the girl and pulled the trigger. — Derek Landy

He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly."
The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?"
"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face. — Derek Landy

I know you've got your guns and you're really good at being horrible to people, but do you seriously think you can threaten him?"
Milo frowned. "I'm not horrible to people."
"Really? You really don't think you're horrible to people?"
"No," he said, a little defensively. "I'm nice. Everyone says it."
"Oh man," said Amber. "People have lied to you. Like, a lot. — Derek Landy

The workshop door opened and Skulduggery emerged. "Ryan," he said, "stop leaning on my car. — Derek Landy

Sanguine peered down at Bradley's body, and the huge bloody mess that was his chest. "If you still want his heart," he said, "I'm pretty sure I can see it from here.
(Death and Texas) — Derek Landy

I am eternal. I am the night. I am the day. I am forever. And who are you?"
"I'm Skulduggery Pleasant."
"Oh, hell.
(The Horror Writers' Halloween Ball) — Derek Landy

People!" she screamed. "There are people here! New people! — Derek Landy

I think you're shorter than you were." - Clarabelle
"Yes," said Scapegrace. "Because I'm in a jar. I'm just a head."
Clarabelle shrugged. "We're all just heads, when you think about it. The only difference between us is that we have arms and legs and bodies and we don't live in jars like you do. It's a nice jar, though. Where did you get it? — Derek Landy

*After Skulduggery kills Valkyrie*
Skulduggery: This has been a good day so far, all things considered, I have the location of the Grotesquey and I got to kill Valkyrie, which admittedly is something I've been wanting to do since I met her, she can be incredibly annoying
Scapegrace: Um
Skulduggery: She hardly ever shut up, I pretended to be the friends with her, but honestly, I just felt sorry for the poor girl. Not the brightest you know.
Valkyrie: You're such a goon. — Derek Landy

She glared at him. "I'm not weird like that. I'm good weird. I'm cool weird."
"Yes," he said doubtfully. "Yes, you are. — Derek Landy

So that plan worked out well.'
Skulduggery, your entire plan consisted of, and I quote, "Let's get up close and then see what happens."'
All the same,' he said, 'I think the whole thing worked out rather beautifully. — Derek Landy

Where are you going?"
"Nowhere special. I just have some... things to do."
"Why did you pause?'
"I'm sorry?"
"You paused. You have 'some... things to do.'
"No reason, I just--"
"You're up to something."
"No--"
"Then why'd you pause?"
"Get in the car."
She got in. He got in.
"Seat belt," he said.
Why'd you pause?"
His head drooped. "Because I'm up to somthing."
"And why can't I come with you?"
"Because it's something sneaky."
"Do you promise to tell me later?"
"I do."
"Well all right then." She clicked her seat belt into place. "Let's go. — Derek Landy