Bob Saget Quotes & Sayings

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people. — Bob Saget

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show. — Bob Saget

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored. — Bob Saget

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, Where did he touch you? She said, On my knee, Bobby. — Bob Saget

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him. — Bob Saget

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse? — Bob Saget

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers. — Bob Saget

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers. — Bob Saget

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is. — Bob Saget

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff. — Bob Saget

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce ... I thought he was missing. — Bob Saget

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done. — Bob Saget

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood. — Bob Saget

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and ... filled with stuffing. — Bob Saget

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape. — Bob Saget

25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene. — Bob Saget

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it. — Bob Saget

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward. — Bob Saget

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry. — Bob Saget

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house! — Bob Saget

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive. — Bob Saget

Bob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an inside joke among comics, when he got Full House, it was, like, wow, hes playing this all-American dad kind of thing. That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House. — Bob Saget

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you. — Bob Saget

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air. — Bob Saget

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person? — Bob Saget

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin. — Bob Saget

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable. — Bob Saget

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime. — Bob Saget

Valuable people are undervalued. — Bob Saget

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable? — Bob Saget

I don't like the negative of reality tv - the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody. — Bob Saget

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one. — Bob Saget

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty. — Bob Saget

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that? — Bob Saget

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation. — Bob Saget

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends. — Bob Saget

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy. — Bob Saget

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise. — Bob Saget

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing. — Bob Saget

I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet. — Bob Saget

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack. — Bob Saget

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars? — Bob Saget

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself. — Bob Saget

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow. — Bob Saget

It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out. — Bob Saget

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts. — Bob Saget

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people. — Bob Saget

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure. — Bob Saget

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water. — Bob Saget

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked. — Bob Saget

I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months. — Bob Saget

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case. — Bob Saget

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap? — Bob Saget

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they're both in my car and I want you to see them — Bob Saget

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat. — Bob Saget

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one! — Bob Saget

There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii. — Bob Saget

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter. — Bob Saget

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away. — Bob Saget

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk. — Bob Saget

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too. — Bob Saget

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day. — Bob Saget

I love my mom! You can too for $12! — Bob Saget

Some dead people said smart stuff. — Bob Saget

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz. — Bob Saget

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old. — Bob Saget

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more. — Bob Saget

I never expected to live this long. — Bob Saget

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts? — Bob Saget

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine. — Bob Saget

I become a chameleon for wherever I am. — Bob Saget

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips. — Bob Saget

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing. — Bob Saget

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating. — Bob Saget

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed. — Bob Saget

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity. — Bob Saget

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs. — Bob Saget

I really love making people laugh. — Bob Saget

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it. — Bob Saget

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either. — Bob Saget

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can. — Bob Saget

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses. — Bob Saget

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people. — Bob Saget

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me. — Bob Saget

Everyone I love I pay. — Bob Saget

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club. — Bob Saget

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory. — Bob Saget

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself. — Bob Saget

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it. — Bob Saget

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business. — Bob Saget

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too. — Bob Saget

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist. — Bob Saget

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors? — Bob Saget

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public. — Bob Saget

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with. — Bob Saget

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends. — Bob Saget

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies? — Bob Saget