Billy Connolly Quotes & Sayings

A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They've been offending other people for centuries. — Billy Connolly

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. — Billy Connolly

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up. — Billy Connolly

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running ... ' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike! — Billy Connolly

,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from. — Billy Connolly

Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose. — Billy Connolly

There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie! — Billy Connolly

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do. — Billy Connolly

I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow. — Billy Connolly

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring. — Billy Connolly

And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing. — Billy Connolly

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt. — Billy Connolly

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass? — Billy Connolly

Try to live in a place you like. — Billy Connolly

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words. — Billy Connolly

I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed. — Billy Connolly

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things. — Billy Connolly

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there. — Billy Connolly

I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got. — Billy Connolly

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint. — Billy Connolly

When I read 'Be real, don't get caught acting,' I thought, 'How the hell do you do that?'. — Billy Connolly

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!! — Billy Connolly

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. — Billy Connolly

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded. — Billy Connolly

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt. — Billy Connolly

There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be ... I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge - but not a sausage. — Billy Connolly

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like. — Billy Connolly

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects. — Billy Connolly

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television. — Billy Connolly

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep? — Billy Connolly

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off. — Billy Connolly

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended. — Billy Connolly

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little. — Billy Connolly

So I'm on a little one-man crusade to bring the obituary closer to the front of the paper. Let's sing a bit louder about the unsung. Rather than spending all our time watching stupid people doing stupid things and being filmed by other stupid people on reality TV shows, why don't we spend a few minutes each day reading about good people doing good things? I'm not being a hippy. It's just that we've got to improve ourselves as a species or we are absolutely doomed. — Billy Connolly

I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them. They're not huge, complicated events; they're just magical wee moments when somebody says 'I love you' or 'You're a really good at what you do' or simply 'You're a good person'. — Billy Connolly

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else" — Billy Connolly

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket. — Billy Connolly

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head? — Billy Connolly

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers. — Billy Connolly

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little. — Billy Connolly

Oh aye ... my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???' — Billy Connolly

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. — Billy Connolly

If you give people a chance, they shine. — Billy Connolly

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question. — Billy Connolly

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over! — Billy Connolly

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace. — Billy Connolly

People die all the time. It's just that you're not around. — Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit. — Billy Connolly

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. — Billy Connolly

I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you. — Billy Connolly

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on. — Billy Connolly

Never trust people who've only got one fucking book. — Billy Connolly

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! — Billy Connolly

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place. — Billy Connolly

A fart is just your arse applauding. — Billy Connolly

For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten. — Billy Connolly

Film and TV V.I.P, seeker of the peace, part time chandelier cleaner, a legend in his own time, oppressor of champions, soldier of fortune, world traveller, bonvivant, all round good guy, international lover, casual hero, philosopher, wars fought, bears wrestled, equations solved, virgins enlightened, revolutions quelled, tigers castrated, orgies organised, bars quaffed dry, governments run, test rockets flown, life president of the Liquidarian Society of Great Britain and Ireland. — Billy Connolly

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist. — Billy Connolly

I don't aim to offend. — Billy Connolly

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know. — Billy Connolly

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life! — Billy Connolly

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us? — Billy Connolly

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!" — Billy Connolly

What horrifies me most about war memorials is that no anti-war sentiments are ever displayed. It's as if war is fun or noble, when actually it's all about shit and snot and blood and guts and soldiers stomachs hanging out and people with their faces blown off. But they never showed that side of it. Perhaps, if they did, there'd be less of it. — Billy Connolly

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's. — Billy Connolly

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue. — Billy Connolly

I'm a huge film star ... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f
ing minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a f
ing Muppet movie. — Billy Connolly

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?" — Billy Connolly

I love fishing. It's transcendental meditation with a punchline. — Billy Connolly

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one. — Billy Connolly

The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things ... after the weather. — Billy Connolly

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men. — Billy Connolly

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head
supposedly for people to drive along the highway with. — Billy Connolly

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight. — Billy Connolly

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far. — Billy Connolly

Politically correct is the language of cowardice. — Billy Connolly

Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do. — Billy Connolly

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo. — Billy Connolly

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless. — Billy Connolly

What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger ... a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you f**cking McTosser! — Billy Connolly

The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think. — Billy Connolly

Fuck the begrudgers — Billy Connolly

I used to be a folk singer, but I was ... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog. And being a folk singer doesn't make you attractive to women. — Billy Connolly

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered. — Billy Connolly

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days.. — Billy Connolly

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying. — Billy Connolly

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea. — Billy Connolly

The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead. — Billy Connolly

If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket. — Billy Connolly

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. — Billy Connolly

The more you know the less the better. — Billy Connolly

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways. — Billy Connolly

Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about? — Billy Connolly

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. — Billy Connolly

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. — Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. — Billy Connolly

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. — Billy Connolly

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? — Billy Connolly

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing. — Billy Connolly

I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was. — Billy Connolly